Dear drug

Dear drug,

I was meant to write a story about you. This story was supposed to teach something as it was read. Instead, as I re read what I originally wrote, It taught me something. Writing this isn't about the money or the contest. It isn't even about teaching something anymore. It's about me. For a year and a half I've been trying to figure it out. Why is it that my writing doesn't flow like it once did?

Why is it my happiness refuses to maintain it's place within my body?

         You keep taking from me. Energy, friends, family, love, happiness,health.

It was the way you spoke to me...that had me coming back even though, I knew you would kill me. You once said to me that poetry and writing was pointless and would get me nowhere. But what you fail to realize when drawing these words out like a silver sword, as you try to plunge it deep within my chest is that, I can't get anywhere without writing. Writing was the only thing protecting me from my biggest poison. You. Your toxins and the words you put in my head were the silver sword and writing was my shield.

           But I put up a fight when you laid your cold finger on my self worth

I hated the taste of your words, the burn as I took a sip from the golden cup you handed to me filled with words of hate is something I will never forget. It burned in such a delicious manner. However, the high after I drank those disgusting words and the poison went straight into my blood stream, was enough to keep me hooked. By the end of it I was an addict, grabbing the needle and jamming it into my vein, pumping the words "Maybe you should jump off a bridge." straight in. Your thoughts flooded my head, letting those words flow out and straight into my veins.

                  A fight that was hard to keep up with

It was never meant to end like this. I swear. I had hoped for our ending to be better. I had hoped that I could be with you forever and always keep that high that I chased so often. I try not to come back to you. Teasing you isn't my goal. It's simply that I can't make a choice. Do I stay and accept my fate of being a slave to your addictive ways? Or do I go and hope that the withdrawals lay mercy on me like a warm blanket, warming me up so I stop being so cold because of you. So I left. Hoping for the best.

                    A fight I could never win

The withdrawals weren't the worst part. Nobody tells you that it would be the memories that had you crawling back. Nobody warns you that your brain makes the memories better than they truly were. It doesn't matter how awful you were to me. My brain had me remember things a little differently. As much as I claimed you had no power over me,your toxic memories lingered, wrapping around my neck like a leash, yanking me back to you to return to my place of being your pet.

           You were powerful. I knew that. I was dumb for trying to escape.

We've been playing this game of run and chase for a year and a half. But I want out. For good. I've thrown out my needles, flushed the product, got rid of my dealers, cut off the things tying me to you and yet I still cant stop thinking of you. Thinking of the rush. The high. The good times. The bad times. All of it. 

You see, Some people get addicted to Heroin. I was addicted to our friendship. I was addicted to you. The way you dragged me down was my own special drug. As you dragged me down faster and faster I felt the rush and couldn't help but keep grabbing your hand every time you offered to re connect. It wasn't until a voice formed inside my head telling me that I wasn't ever going to get anything better than this is when I realized.

 This is My story for me, not you.

 But You keep taking from me. Energy, friends, family, love, happiness,health.

 I may have put up a fight when you laid your cold finger on my self worth

 A fight that was hard to keep up with

 A fight I thought I could never win

I thought You were powerful. I thought I knew that. I thought I was dumb for trying to escape.

this is when I realized.

Our entire friendship

had been one big build up to the thing I fought so desperately to keep. Had I left you behind my self worth would be a thing I could say I had and could see. However, the fact that I couldn't make a choice and stick with it is what wore my shield down. Its what got me addicted. What hurt me. What poisoned me. What clouded my vision.

What made me lose sight of my worth. What made me forget the point of writing. What broke my shield. 

Dear ex best friend, 

It wasn't meant to end like this. I swear. I had hoped you would have changed. But instead I've changed. For worse. Now I must go fix it. Thank you for the good times and I'll forget the bad. Trust me, This hurts. I'm going through the harsh withdrawal as well. I wish there was a way we could have fixed this. I wish there was a way to take the toxins out of you and put them in me. But the more toxins I take from you, the more I leave within you. I'm sorry. I will not say your name. Because that's all that mattered to you. The attention was your drug. I just refuse to be your dealer for any longer.

                     Love,

                    Lilith