14 likes
15 comments
Rose shifted uncomfortably in her seat and then winced as it squeaked. She looked around in horror, but no one seemed to be paying any mind to the dirty little Earther. She knew it would be different in the sky, but she hadn’t expected it to be so clean.
Her mother would have loved it here. She worked so hard to keep their home spotless, an impossible task on the dusty and dry surface of the earth.
Rose watched as a few men in uniform spoke with each other on the other side of the room after one of them waved a hand in her direction. She knew they were talking about her and it made her more nervous than she had ever been in her life.
She fingered the small heart-shaped trinket she kept in her pocket for reassurance and fondly remembered the day she found it.
Rose and her friend Brynn had been exploring what remained of the burned-out town they lived in. There was no real way to know if the once-bustling metropolis had been a victim of climate change or bombs from the Sky People. At least, that’s what Brynn said.
Rose had her doubts. The Gods told them that the town was destroyed because the people living there hadn’t worked hard enough to feed the Sky People. She believed the Gods more than she believed Brynn. After all, she had seen them come down from the sky and promise a better life if they repented. She had also watched as they killed her mother for denying the truth that they had to share.
Rose enjoyed spending time with Brynn, in spite of her strange ideas. So she nodded and smiled whenever her friend said something uncomfortable, such as her claim that the Gods were humans just like them.
Rose and Brynn climbed over a particularly tall pile of rubble that was difficult to navigate. Shards of glass stood out from the mass of bricks and concrete at strange angles and the two girls slipped through delicately in order to avoid slicing themselves. A cut from one of those shards was deadly if you weren’t lucky enough to have access to medicine.
As poor scavengers, Brynn and Rose were not among the lucky ones. So they learned to be extremely careful.
Just as Rose was about to skirt around a particularly dangerous and rather large shard of glass, she saw something sparkle up at her in the sun.
“Oh!”
“What is it?”
Brynn made her way around a few pieces of rubble as Rose bent to pick up the shiny object.
“It’s beautiful!”
“Let me see!”
Brynn snatched it from her hands before Rose had a chance to examine it.
“Brynn! I found it!”
“I know. I just want to see it.”
Rose crossed her arms and blew a stray piece of hair from her face.
“You better not try and take it. I found it fair and square!”
Brynn rubbed some dirt off the surface of the object.
“Oh, Rose. You truly have found a treasure indeed.”
“What is it? You didn’t even give me a chance to look at it.”
“Rose, this is so special. And it is just for you. I couldn’t take it from you even if I wanted to.”
“What? Why?”
Rose craned her neck and almost slipped on the rubble as she tried to see what Brynn saw.
“Careful, Rose!”
Brynn held out her arm to help Rose steady herself. Once she was settled again, Brynn stuck the treasure under her nose, so close that it blurred in her vision as she tried to focus on it.
“This is meant for you Rose, see? It has your name on it. R-O-S-E. You are very lucky indeed, Rose. This must be a good sign.”
“How do you know it says my name?”
“Oh!”
Brynn clapped her hand over her mouth.
“Oh no. Rose, please. You must swear to me that you will never share this secret with anyone else, ever. If the Sky People learned they would smite our whole town. So many would die…”
She trailed off with a choked sob as she turned away and sprinted down the other side of the pile of rubble, seemingly heedless of her own safety.
“Brynn, wait!”
Brynn stopped at the bottom of the rubble and keeled over onto a large metal box that had somehow managed to avoid the scavengers.
“Brynn!”
Rose scurried down the pile of rubble as fast as she dared, fearful that her dear friend had injured herself.
When she got to Brynn, the other girl’s face was red and swollen.
“Oh, Brynn, what happened?”
“It’s just…Oh, I’m so idiotic!”
Rose didn’t know what idiotic meant. As that thought occurred to her, she was suddenly overcome with an understanding of why her dear friend used so many strange words all the time.
Brynn could read!
And if the Sky People found out, they would surely kill Brynn and everyone she loved. And if they were angry enough they would send plagues and disasters to rain down upon the community that Brynn and Rose lived in.
Rose watched as her friend dissolved into a tearful mess in front of her.
“Brynn. Brynn, listen to me!”
She grabbed her friend's hand and made her look into her eyes.
“I won’t tell anyone about this, ever. It’s our secret. I promise.”
“But, but…” Brynn’s chest heaved as she held back another sob. “But if anyone found out you knew, they’d kill you and your family too!”
Rose clasped her hands tightly around Brynn’s.
“Then we better make sure they don’t.”
Brynn threw herself at Rose, enveloping her in a warm hug.
“Miss May? Miss May!!!”
Rose was snapped back to reality as one of the Sky People called her name. She looked to see a clean and very smartly dressed young woman standing in front of her with a flat piece of wood in her hands. She kept looking at it and scratching on it with a stick.
“Miss May, I have been trying to get your attention!”
“I’m terribly sorry. Um…”
“This way!”
The woman spun around so quickly it made Rose dizzy. Then she took off towards a door on the other side of the room. It was the same door that Rose had seen the Sky People standing in front of earlier when they gestured at her. The woman’s shoes made an odd clacking sound on the floor that Rose found to be surprisingly soothing.
Rose stood and scurried to catch up with the woman as she opened the door.
“In here. Sit right there on that chair and wait.”
The woman gestured to a chair that was placed in front of the cleanest table Rose had ever seen in her life. She took a tentative step into the room.
“They will be in to see you in a moment.”
And then the woman closed the door behind Rose. She jumped.
“Rose May!”
Rose jumped again as the bodiless voice shouted her name.
“You were told to sit!”
“Yes, sorry.”
She looked around to see if she was alone. When she didn’t see anyone, she determined that the voice must belong to one of the Gods. She scurried to her chair and sat, primly crossing her ankles and folding her hands on her lap.
It seemed ages before anything else happened. Rose sat in the semi-dark, waiting for the voice to speak again, not daring to say or do anything without permission.
Finally, the door opened and a man walked in with another one of those wooden boards in his hand.
“Rose May, correct?”
“Y-y-yes.”
“You have information about the thief?”
Rose grasped at the heart-shaped trinket in her pocket.
“I-I-I’m not sure.”
“You said you had information.” The man glanced at the board. “That’s what it says right here. We brought you to the sky so you could tell us.”
“Y-yes…”
Rose clenched her fist tightly around the heart and took a deep breath.
“A-and I was told that my father could come with me. That you would let us move here a-and give him medicine and g-give me a better job.”
Rose looked down at her hands. The courage to speak that way to the man in front of her had required all her courage and now she had none left.
“Yes, I suppose we did promise you a prize in return, didn’t we?”
He smiled at her, then he stepped out into the hallway, leaving Rose alone again. After a few moments, he came back with a plate piled high with a steaming collection of foods that smelled better than anything Rose had ever smelled in her life. He placed it in front of her.
“This is how we eat here in the Sky. The Gods have blessed us with the best of the gifts our dying earth has to give us.”
He handed her a fork and then pantomimed eating the food. Rose had never used a fork in her life, but she figured out what he meant for her to do fairly quickly. She took a big bite of the food in front of her.
“Mmmmm.”
The man smiled again.
“Just tell me what you came here to tell us. Then we can transport your father here on the next ship and get him all of the medical care he needs. We will give you a job here in the Sky and you will never go hungry again.”
Rose couldn’t stop eating. She was so hungry and had never had anything so delicious in her entire life. She finished the last bite and then licked her plate clean. Then she sat back in the chair, satisfied in a way she had never known before. The man smiled at her again, though it wasn’t reassuring.
“Miss May? Are you ready to share your secret with us now?”
With a sigh and a sense of dread, Rose remembered the look on her father's face the last time she saw him. She remembered the desperation she felt trying to find food to keep him alive. She pulled the heart from her pocket and set it on the table.
“If this says my name, then my friend Brynn can read. If she isn’t the person you are looking for, then she probably knows them.”
The man picked up the trinket and examined it. His lips curled into a tight smile of the likes Rose had never seen before.
“Yes. This will do just fine. Thank you, Miss May. Someone will be along shortly to show you to your new lodgings.”
Then the man curled his hands around Rose’s most precious treasure, turned on his heels, and left her alone in the cold and sterile room.
You must sign up or log in to submit a comment.
Hi Chloe, I'm back to do some crit as requested. Please let me start by saying that I personally find the most helpful comments to be those where improvements are suggested, so I try to offer suggestions for improvements to others. I hope you take this in the way it is intended - just as constructive crit, and nothing else.
Here goes:
Rose shifted uncomfortably in her seat and then winced as it squeaked. She looked around in horror, but no one seemed to be paying any mind to the dirty little Earther. She knew it would be different in the sky, but she hadn’t expected it to be so clean.
- This is a really nice opening that sets the scene well and introduces not just a character, but the way they are perceived by other characters - it's very clever. I would make it a little stronger still with just few minor tweaks:
Rose shifted in her seat and winced as it squeaked. She glanced around, but no one seemed to be paying any mind to the dirty little Earther. She knew it would be different in the sky, but she hadn’t expected it to be so clean.
There is a generally accepted rule that you should use as few adverbs as possible and instead use stronger verbs to make the action more specific. I didn't used to agree with this but am coming round to it more and more. Here I would cut "uncomfortably" for this reason. "Shifted" is a pretty good verb already, you don't need to spell out how the character is feeling when they shift and wince. I'd also cut "then" to quicken the pace. I'd cut "in horror" as well. Partly because it is over used throughout the piece and partly because it doesn't add anything to the scene - it is better to show the reader what is happening with a character, rather than telling them. If you wanted to make her emotions clearer you could add a note to say that she had a hot flush/ cold flush / prickle in her spine / shiver through her skin / anything you like that shows what she is feeling.
So you could have something like:
Rose shifted in her seat and winced as it squeaked. She glanced round as a chill shivered her spine, but no one seemed to be paying any mind to the dirty little Earther. She knew it would be different in the sky, but she hadn’t expected it to be so clean.
Opening lines and opening paragraphs are really important to grab the reader's attention, so it's worth spending a little extra time on them.
____
Her mother would have loved it here. She worked so hard to keep their home spotless, an impossible task on the dusty and dry surface of the earth. - I think Earth here should have a capital E.
_____
Rose watched as a few men in uniform spoke with each other on the other side of the room after one of them waved a hand in her direction. She knew they were talking about her and it made her more nervous than she had ever been in her life.
The action in the first line is a little jumbled - it would be clearer if the actions happened in the text in the same order they happen in the storyline. It would also make a stronger implication that they were talking about her so you could cut the redundancy later on.
"Watched" and "knew" are filters - meaning you are filtering the action through the character. If you can cut filters it will bring your reader closer to the action and make your scene pop more.
"More nervous *than she had ever been in her life*" this is a bit of a cliche and is overused throughout the piece. I'd suggest you cut it wherever you can. Here you can use showing to demonstrate to the reader how Rose feels, instead of telling them she is nervous.
If you make these changes you might get something more like this:
A man on the other side of the room waved his hand in her direction, then turned to speak to two other men. Rose held still to prevent them from seeing the deep shudder that ran through every nerve, but the quiver on her lips was still perceptible.
_____
Rose had her doubts. The Gods told them that the town was destroyed because the people living there hadn’t worked hard enough to feed the Sky People. She believed the Gods more than she believed Brynn. After all, she had seen them come down from the sky and promise a better life if they repented. She had also watched as they killed her mother for denying the truth that they had to share.
This section is important for the reader to understand the backstory of the character. Personally I quite like the darker side of stories and for me it would add to the drama if you swapped "killed" for some specific details. You can be as graphic or as subtle as you like. For example:
She had also watched as they stabbed / gutted / flayed / shot / hung / executed / beheaded / her mother for denying the truth that they had to share.
Or use more than one word - get graphic, get detailed, make it stand out as the most horrendous thing you can imagine a girl having to watch.
It's really up to you how you want to present it but it strikes me as important detail that shapes the character's outlook and would benefit from a little embellishment.
_____
Rose and Brynn climbed over a particularly tall pile of rubble that was difficult to navigate. Shards of glass stood out from the mass of bricks and concrete at strange angles and the two girls slipped through delicately in order to avoid slicing themselves. A cut from one of those shards was deadly if you weren’t lucky enough to have access to medicine.
"Particularly" doesn't add anything to the text, I'd cut it. "Delicately" is an adverb so cut it if you can - but I actually quite like it here.
The middle line is too long and could be cut in two, I'd also cut "in order" it's not needed.
The final line could stand out more if you make it clear that Rose doesn't have access to medicine herself.
I might rework it along these lines as something like:
Rose and Brynn climbed over a tall pile of rubble that was difficult to navigate. Shards of glass stood out from the mass of bricks and concrete at strange angles. The two girls slipped through delicately to avoid slicing themselves. A cut from one of those shards was deadly when you didn't have access to medicine.
_____
As poor scavengers, Brynn and Rose were not among the lucky ones. So they learned to be extremely careful.
I'd cut this line - you have already set the scene really well so it is redundant.
_____
Rose didn’t know what idiotic meant. As that thought occurred to her, she was suddenly overcome with an understanding of why her dear friend used so many strange words all the time.
Brynn could read!
I think this revelation has already come for the reader at the point that Brynn spells out Rose's name. Having the character realise so much later than the reader feels a bit odd. Instead of this section I would be tempted to add a line in much earlier - before Brynn runs away, where Rose is shocked at the realisation.
_____
And if the Sky People found out, they would surely kill Brynn and everyone she loved. And if they were angry enough they would send plagues and disasters to rain down upon the community that Brynn and Rose lived in.
I think you could tighten this up to something like:
If the Sky People found out, they would kill Brynn and everyone she loved. And if they were angry enough they would send plagues and disasters to follow.
And again - you could specify how they would kill her. Maybe in the same way as they killed Rose's mother?
____
“Miss May? Miss May!!!”
Rose was snapped back to reality as one of the Sky People called her name. She looked to see a clean and very smartly dressed young woman standing in front of her with a flat piece of wood in her hands. She kept looking at it and scratching on it with a stick.
The second part of this is a bit wordy and could be tightened up.
Also - To enable you to edit the second section and make it snappier, I would be tempted to introduce Rose's full name much earlier on, simply by dropping it into the text. For example, maybe just open with it:
Rose May shifted in her seat... so its there right at the start. That would enable you to do something like this:
“Miss May? Miss May!!!”
Rose snapped back to reality. A clean and very smartly dressed young woman was standing in front of her with a flat piece of wood in her hands. She kept looking at it and scratching on it with a stick.
_____
The woman spun around so quickly it made Rose dizzy. Then she took off towards a door on the other side of the room. (It was the same door that Rose had seen the Sky People standing in front of earlier when they gestured at her.) The woman’s shoes made an odd clacking sound on the floor that Rose found to be surprisingly soothing.
I'd cut the bit in brackets - it doesn't seem to add anything to the scene.
_____
The woman gestured to a chair that was placed in front of the cleanest table Rose had ever seen in her life. She took a tentative step into the room.
You have the ever in her life phrase again - instead of this try showing how clean the table is by describing it. Maybe something like:
The woman gestured to a chair that was placed in front of a table that gleamed under the florescent lights. She took a tentative step into the room.
_____
She looked around to see if she was alone. When she didn’t see anyone, she determined that the voice must belong to one of the Gods. She scurried to her chair and sat, primly crossing her ankles and folding her hands on her lap.
It seemed ages before anything else happened. Rose sat in the semi-dark, waiting for the voice to speak again, not daring to say or do anything without permission.
You could tidy this up a bit and join the two paragraphs together:
There was no one in the room; the voice must belong to one of the Gods. Rose scurried to her chair and crossed her ankles, folding her hands on her lap. She sat in the semi-dark, waiting for the voice to speak again, not daring to say or do anything without permission.
_____
Rose looked down at her hands. The courage to speak that way to the man in front of her had required all her courage and now she had none left.
Repetition of "courage" here stands out. Could the line be reworked? Maybe something like:
Rose looked down at her hands. Her courage had been used up.
_____
He smiled at her, then he stepped out into the hallway, leaving Rose alone again. After a few moments, he came back with a plate piled high with a steaming collection of foods that smelled better than anything Rose had ever smelled in her life. He placed it in front of her.
Again - in her life needs to be cut. Also - smelled is a filter. This section could be tighter and more vivid by showing, not telling. Maybe something like:
He smiled at her, then he stepped out into the hallway. After a few moments, he came back with a plate piled high with steaming hot food. The aromas of meat and fresh bread combined and Rose's mouth watered as he placed it in front of her.
_____
He handed her a fork and then pantomimed eating the food. Rose had never used a fork in her life, but she figured out what he meant for her to do fairly quickly. She took a big bite of the food in front of her.
In her life - again this needs to be cut. You could tighten this again as follows:
He handed her a fork and then pantomimed eating the food. Rose had never used a fork but the miming helped. She took a big bite of succulent steak.
_____
Rose couldn’t stop eating. She was so hungry and had never had anything so delicious in her entire life. She finished the last bite and then licked her plate clean. Then she sat back in the chair, satisfied in a way she had never known before. The man smiled at her again, though it wasn’t reassuring.
Again - in her life, and possibly - never known before - could do with a rework.
Maybe
Rose couldn’t stop eating. She was starving and the beef tasted like a rainbow of delights in her mouth. She finished the last bite and then licked her plate clean. Rose sat back in her chair in a state of thorough satisfaction. The man smiled at her again, though it wasn’t reassuring.
_____
The man picked up the trinket and examined it. His lips curled into a tight smile of the likes Rose had never seen before.
I'd cut the last few words and just say: The man picked up the trinket and examined it. His lips curled into a tight smile.
_____
The only other thing I would suggest is that the title perhaps gives away the ending a little. If that's what you are aiming for then leave it exactly as it is - if not then perhaps consider changing it?
_____
As I said at the start - this is only intended to be constructive crit - please feel free to ignore anything you disagree with and I will not be offended in any way if you ignore it all. I only aim to suggest possible improvements, but most of writing is so subjective that you will probably find a stack of people who disagree with me.
The storyline here is really touching - the desperation Rose feels being so great that she betrays her friend for food and medicine. It's a stark and nasty reality and you have portrayed it very well in relatively few words.
I really like the way you characterise Brynn, with her use of unusual words and her panic at being discovered. She's obviously been keeping her secret for a long time and found that hard.
The landscape of Earth is also well described - a desolate wasteland with dangerous things sticking up from the ground. Rubble and glass everywhere, dirty. I could really see where they were and feel for them in their need to get out.
It's a very good story - I feel that with a little polish it could be great.
I hope this is helpful.
All best wishes,
Katharine
Reply
Wow, thank you so much for this amazing feedback, Katharine. I know some writers get offended, but I love getting amazing feedback like this. Sometimes I get so tired of the "RAH, RAH" we get back on most of the writing sites out there.
I plan to dig into this later and apply your advice, as well as go over some of my other stories with your feedback in mind.
Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.
Reply
Okay, I am now embarrassed by how often I said: "in her life." It's amazing how you can edit a story so many times and read it aloud to several people without catching something like this. This right here is why I need more people who write a lot in my inner circle. 🤦
Reply
Don't worry about it - I pick people up on repetition all the time and get picked up on it myself. Sometimes you need a break from a story to come back at it with fresh eyes and only having a week from prompts to judging really doesn't allow much time for you take a break from what you're working on.
Reply
I definitely agree. When I reflect on how much time I have spent on my best story, and how many revisions it has been through, it boggles my mind. Writing and polishing a story in under a week just isn't possible. But we all try, and it gets the juices flowing at least. And it's a great way to network with other writers and readers.
Reply
I just made all the edits, but I can't update it here to share the next draft with you. I did update it in the other places it is posted though. I am going to give it a whirl at an open mic tonight if it's not too long. Thank you, thank you!
Reply
Hi, sounds good. I'm not sure why you can't edit it here? The contest has already been judged so I think you can?
If you can't, maybe drop me the web address of where the new version is and I'll take a look.
Good luck at the open mic!
Reply
That would make sense, but when I try it says that it has already been accepted so it can't be edited. 🤷
I was able to update it on Vocal though!
https://vocal.media/fiction/betrayal-is-never-easy
You also have me thinking of finding or organizing a critique circle, because the benefit of quality feedback is really helpful.
Reply
Hi Chloe, thank you for your critique circle comments on my story. I've just read yours and I really like the idea.
There were several things I noticed that I can give you feedback on if you would like?
Let me know with a comment and I will check back and leave more in depth crit.
Best wishes.
K
Reply
I would absolutely love more feedback if you are willing to take the time to give it a more in-depth crit. That's the only way we can grow as writers, is to help each other with ideas and critiques. Thank you!
Reply
You have a great talent for sci-fi! I was definitely intrigued by this story and I am interested to see what stories you come out with in the future. Thank you for sharing!
Reply
Wow, thanks! It is my favorite genre to read and I have been having a lot of fun working through the future world of the Sky People and the Earthers. I was hoping to start working on the book, but there is a lot of world-building that goes into a story like this and it is taking longer than expected.
Reply