Me VS Reality

As a young child, I was not aware I had the option to go against your wishes. I blindly obeyed your every command. I believed every single word you uttered. If you told me to do something, I did so immediately. If you told me no, I would banish the thought from my mind instantly. No matter what, I was your loyal soldier. Maybe too loyal. Loyal to a fault, one might say. One day I realized I had a voice, my own individual thoughts that seem to gradually stray further and further from yours. I started to get scared, as if having these opposing ideas and thoughts were somehow illegal. Like my mind was being hijacked by this person I’m not familiar with. It felt foreign, yet familiar. Different, yet similar. It was at a pivotal moment where I learned that not only was it okay to think differently than what you were taught, but that it should be encouraged and welcomed. These are the things that will help shape me into the person I ultimately want to become. I have learned a new lesson.  

For so long, I feared to voice my opinions. I wanted to be liked, I wanted to be accepted. Years of feeling isolated and ostracized by my peers, made me feel like I couldn’t say a word of how I truly felt if I was to be part of the group. To my detriment, this would continue for many years. I had to go at a painfully slow pace, in unlearning a lot of what was conditioned in me during my adolescence. I would eventually realize that, if you wanted to grow, the last thing you should be doing is surrounding yourself with people who thrive from your silence. There are always those people everywhere, in everyone’s lives at one point or another. The ones who relish in lighting your opinions and ideas up in flames. The ones who never once believed in you. It wasn’t until I began to integrate people who were a positive influence into my life, that I truly believed that you are the company you keep. I have learned a new lesson. 

At some point in my life, I started to notice the double meaning of what people say. Like the things they say, for the sake of saying it. Like asking about someone’s day, but you don’t actually want to know. As in, they’re asking for the sake of asking. It’s as if there’s a secret language where you’re reading in between their lines. A language that involves their actions not matching their words. There’s something to be said when someone asks how you are, yet they’re walking away before you even have time to answer. Eventually, you’re left wondering why that happens. It could be a number of things. But ultimately it leaves the person left behind, bewildered. Maybe it’s just me. There are many instances of actions not matching words. I, for one, can say with confidence that I am not a fan. I genuinely want to know how someone’s day is. I want to know if they’re sad, happy, and what makes them laugh. I guess it’s just something that not many people think about, and because it’s always been that way, they just keep doing it. It does fascinate me though, to watch this happen. I have learned a new lesson. 

I find it so interesting to witness romantic relationships. It can be both fragile, and strong. It can be brief, but also last for years. Some even last a whole lifetime. I dare ask, what makes for a strong relationship? What helps create that strong bond that you can build a strong foundation with? I feel that society and social norms also play an integral part in these relationships. Throughout history, romantic relationships have changed so much. It used to be something that was arranged to help strengthen the bond between countries. Then it became something that was almost mandatory for you to be with the same person for the rest of your life, as soon as you’re married. And marriage was also like a rite of passage. Like it was just something that you had to do, as soon as you fall in love with someone. Then over time, it morphed into something that was more optional than not, more fleeting than not. There are so many distractions, and other outside factors that are at play here. Nowadays, not much seems to hold a person’s attention. Our collective attention spans rapidly recedes as more outside factors are introduced. Be it the pandemic or technology, there doesn’t seem to be much that can hold someone’s attention span anymore. But if it does happen, it’s magical. Like a gear that locks into place, and makes that satisfying click. I have learned a new lesson. 

There comes a time when you look back on your life so far, and wonder whether you’re truly happy with everything that’s happened up until this point. Like the decisions you’ve made in certain situations, the things you’ve said in the heat of the moment. That person you banished from your life, the person you wish you hadn’t ended things with. The people who you lost touch with, and never bothered to stay in touch with. That’s the hard question isn’t it? When someone asks you whether you’re happy, are you? Can I honestly say that I am? In what context? In what category of my life? Or just in general? Some things I can say I’m okay with how it turned out, but others, maybe could’ve been handled better. Of course these are things you learn as you grow older and mature, that there are multiple ways a situation can be dealt with. There are many things that factor into it too though. Like how you were raised, what your beliefs are, who you surround yourself with. The only thing I know for certain is, the only person I can truly rely on is myself to make decisions that don’t haunt my dreams at night. There are constantly many voices trying to infiltrate your mind, be it from myself or others. I think it’s important to never lose sight of who you are as a person, and be okay with the fact that not everyone is going to agree with me. I have learned a new lesson.