Great Expectations No More

           “You know this isn’t a great time for something like this, Penny,” my husband began to lecture me as I knelt for the third time over the toilet that morning.   

           I took a breath and steadied myself against the wall. The room continued to spin as I tried to tuck my vomit splattered hair behind my ear. I coughed and felt another wave of nausea hit me. Slow my breathing, I reminded myself, in through the nose, out through the mouth. Control, control, breath through it, I’ve got this.

           “Are you going to be alright if I go? I have a family to meet with in about an hour. You know this will be a big funeral service. Their mother was well known in the community. If the family is happy with the service I provide, this will bring in more business. And this is the first funeral since we did the remodel. I want the community to see the investment I’ve made in the business. We need the money. I need to pay the final bill for the remodel by the end of the month. I don’t need those contractors saying I don’t pay my bills. You know how it is in a small town. People talk and keep talking for years.” He stopped his rant and straightened his tie. He glanced at me as he ran his strong hand across his stubble free chin, then started lecturing me again. As if this was entirely my doing.

           “Are you going to work today? You really shouldn’t miss any more days just because you are sick every morning. It gets better if you get moving, you said so yourself. Your boss is probably running out of patience with you. They can’t keep rescheduling patients because you are sick every morning and don’t come in. I’m making a phone call today and getting your appointment set up. We will get this taken of and you’ll feel like yourself again.” He leaned forward to kiss me but his phone buzzed in his pocket. The look on his face was clear the call made him think better of the kiss. He didn’t pull his phone out to check who it was.

           “Take care of this? How can you say that?” my voice cracked and I swore at myself not to let him see me cry. “This is a baby. Not just any baby. Ours. You know I want to have a family. Even if we didn’t plan on it this soon. How can you be so flippant? Can’t we talk about this? I don’t want you to make an appointment for me.”

           “Stop it, babe. You obviously aren’t thinking clearly. It’s just hormones. You know our plans and our dreams for a good future. We are so close to seeing it come together. The business is growing, we just remodeled, and I’ve hired more staff. I just need you to stay on track. We will start a family later when the timing is better. Not now. We need your income,” he gave me a small, hard smile as he handed me a warm cloth. “Here, wash off your face. I’ll make you some toast. You’ll be fine. It’s for the best.”

           We circled the block twice. Planned Parenthood of Northern Kentucky was a single-story grey stone building and had very little parking. The few spots along 2^nd Avenue were lined with the Pro-Lifers and then closer to the building were the Pro-Choice watchdogs. It was easy to differentiate the two groups by the way they dressed and their obvious signs shouting for protection of the specific rights they felt were being violated. I wondered what they would do if they were me. Is it easier to stand up for a stranger than yourself?

           “I can’t do this, honey. I don’t want to be here,” I whimpered, praying my husband would not want to subject his wife to this humiliation.

           “Babe, we’ve been over this a thousand times already. Give it a few years. We will be comfortable and financially secure. That’s the time to start a family. Then we can provide for our kids.” He took my hand and caressed it as he pulled into an open spot away from the crowd of demonstrators. “I love you, babe. Trust me. I only want what’s best for us.”

           His cell buzzed on the dash and he dropped my hand to reach for it. He paused before answering it and unlocked the car door. He raised his eyebrows and gave me a questioning look.

           “Well, go on. Your appointment is at ten. I need to take this.”

           “Go alone? Through that mob? Seriously?” My eyes started to fill with tears as I pled with him but he was already on the phone using his funeral director voice to reassure the caller on the line.

           I opened the car door and pulled my coat closer around my thin frame. I wasn’t showing yet but my stomach felt tight and stretched on the inside. The cold wind of November whipped across my face and stung my eyes. I knew he wouldn’t let me back into the car until it was over. My hands shook as I shoved them into my pockets and walked toward the crowd of demonstrators.

           “You there, young lady! This isn’t the only choice! Don’t do this, it can’t be reversed! Please reconsider! We are here to help you,” the large woman was looking my direction as she pushed past others to get to me. I tried to avoid making eye contact as she waved pamphlets in my direction.

           How does she know? Is it that obvious? I could work here and I’m just coming in for my shift. I’m not like the others. I’m married. My husband loves me, I’m not single and on my own. He loves me and wants us to have a great future. That’s why I’m here because he wants a better life for us. I keep telling myself that just as I have over the past few weeks. Eventually his wants will become mine. I need to see the big picture. My mind was spinning. Why was I here? This isn’t who I am. My parents would be so ashamed. I’m a college grad, for God’s sake! I’m not a teenager who has found herself in trouble. But I am in trouble. My husband hasn’t given my feelings a second thought. He doesn’t want to start a family right now and made it clear that is final. We will later. And it will be perfect. Or is that a lie? When is later? I wanted to puke but not because of morning sickness. I wanted to vomit because I am weak and pathetic. Why don’t my feelings matter? Why can’t I stand up to him? What would happen if I did? A few more steps and I would be at the door. The large woman and others from her group were still pleading with me not to enter. A tall, stern-looking priest put his hand on my sleeve. A group of young women stepped in between us.

           “Let her choose! It’s her body! It’s her choice!” One woman with long black braids opened the clinic door and made the decision for me. She shoved me inside.

           The pretty nurse shook me softly. I opened my eyes to see the ceiling tiles and fluorescent lights above.

           “Time to wake up, sleepy head. It’s all over. Easy there, take your time standing up. Hold on to my hand. I’ll help you get dressed,” she rubbed the small of my back as I stood on the cold clinic floor. I felt a gush of blood and grabbed my stomach as I was hit with a cramp.

           “You’ll cramp a bit for a few hours, but it will pass. You’ll have some bleeding, too, but no worse than a period. I have your discharge papers here next to your coat. You’ll probably forget the instructions I’m giving you now so you’ll need those to reference later. Of course, you can always call us with questions. When you are ready, your friend is waiting for you with the car at the door.”

           “My friend? You mean my husband, right?” I searched her face, hoping she was mistaking me for someone else. He didn’t leave me here, did he?? The phone call. He really went to take care of business and left me here?

           “No, your friend, Sarah? She said your husband had to leave so he asked her to pick you up.”

           “Oh yeah, Sarah.” I tried to force a smile. Sarah was the intern assigned to our funeral home last semester and then he hired her when she graduated. She was a nice girl but my impression was she would be ruthless to get what she wants. I slipped my arms into my coat and buttoned it up.

I can’t believe he sent Sarah to pick me up. I thought he would finish his call and come inside to wait for me. He couldn’t even stay while I was under anesthesia. Unbelievable! What if something happened to me? His lectures came slamming back to me. ‘Now’s not the time. We will start a family when the timing is better.’ He doesn’t have time to wait for his wife while she is under anesthesia now and he thinks the future will be better?

           Sarah walked around the front of the car, her long silky black hair tumbling down her back. She looked amazing in her tailored black coat that she wore to the funeral services. I had seen it before but it always looked brand new. As she opened the car door for me, her coat opened revealing a perfect little baby bump. She placed a manicured hand on her stomach and offered me her other arm as the nurse helped me into the car. I didn’t accept her offer.

           “Here, let me buckle you in and I’ll get you home so you can rest. We have a funeral at one so I need to hurry back,” she flashed a bright smile at me, but her eyes were searching me up and down to see if there were signs of suspicion on my face. She patted my knee and shut the door.

           “I should've known better,” I said aloud as I leaned back into the black leather seats of the funeral home Lincoln my income had helped purchase. “I should've known better.” Sarah probably came to pick me up herself to be sure I went through with it. That’s question she needed answered and she didn’t trust him to answer it. She wanted to see for herself that he was keeping his promise.

           “Penny, did you say something? I thought I heard you talking to yourself. You must still be groggy,” Sarah tried to pat my knee and I pushed her hand away. She turned to face me but I wouldn’t look at her. She sighed, “I know you are tired. I’ll have you home soon, don’t worry. It really wasn’t the best timing, Penny. I think you knew that all along.”