The Real Story By Mitzi the Elfin Nanny

My name is Mitzi Finkelstein and I am the Elfin Nanny in charge of Santa's reindeer. The reason I oversee these "Special Pet's" is because I speak reindeer; a gift I inherited from my mother Mona.

This began as a part time job taking care of the big guy's reindeer population. Back then there were only two. Dasher and Dancer; born the end of May. A year later it was Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Cupid were born three years later.

Things got a little hectic after Donder who insisted his name be changed to Donner because Donder sounded as if he was dumb, and lastly there came Blixen who also changed his name to Blitzen because he didn't want to be confused with Vixen. Personally, it sounded the same to me, but it made him happy. And of course there was Rudolph, who wasn't part of the original eight.

It was fun at first, I'll admit. They were adorable until they learned to speak and I thought of them as my children.

Dasher and Dancer were the oldest and always in competition with each other. There was constant head butting, pushing, shoving and name calling. They were the oldest and they let the other reindeer know it. Oy the fights they would have. The older they got the harder they were to handle.

When they weren't fighting with each other they were forever tormenting Prancer who was and still remains a pacifist. Vixen could hold his own when necessary and as you can imagine Cupid was a real lady killer causing jealous rages from the females.

Blitzen pretty much stayed away from "The Group" but watched and learned how to avoid the dramas of sibling rivalry. He was the writer and later in life became a stand up comedian using his brothers as his muse. To be honest if it wasn't for him I probably would have gone mad years ago.

Comet was the stargazer who was always looking up and forever walking into, or tripping over things. When he was about two years old he decided he wanted to visit Santa's workshop and snuck out while I wasn't looking. It didn't take long before all the chaos began. The commotion of elves running all over the place, whistle's blowing, trains making choo, choo sounds and lights and Christmas trees and Christmas music blasting frighten the little tike and he went ballistic.

He destroyed the train set that spanned the entire first floor. Christmas trees with lights and decorations got knocked over and there was lights and ornaments everywhere causing the elves to trip and fall. It was a nightmare and I thought Santa's head would explode. It was then he decided perhaps I needed some help controlling seven of the eight adolescent bucks. Blitzen was never a problem and he enjoyed watching from afar and found this very entertaining.

Now it just so happened that Aunt Esther had two elfin daughters Poppy and Sparkle who also understand reindeer and they reluctantly agreed to help me out keeping things calm and clean. (FYI, reindeer poop is very large, very smelly and very messy) I'm the head nanny so they did all the reindeer clean up. Rank does have its privileges!

Once the original reindeer had their own little mini's running around things got really interesting.

Dancer married Zelda and had two bucks, Jingle who married Jangle, and Bling married Tinsel. Bling and Tinsel never had any kids and in a moment you will understand why.

Jingle and Jangle had two girls, Gilda and Rita and one boy named Nathan, who we think might be gay. (not that there's anything wrong with that mind you). He never married, never had a girlfriend but loved Broadway musicals, poetry and Spartacus.

Bling and Tinsel decided to leave Santa's Village and move to New York to pursue careers as Mime's but never quite made it. They ended up junkies and were dead by the age of six.

Donner married Ginger and had three boys. Rudolph the oldest, who later was known for his red nose, Rusty, the second oldest who hated Rudolph and never joined the team because of Rudolph's notoriety. He became close friends of Arrow because Rudolph hated Arrow. And the youngest of the three was Ralph. He also was born with a red nose, but he was grossly overweight from eating all those sugar plums, candy canes and ginger bread houses. He wore thick glasses because of bad vision and a stigmatism. To make matters worse, he was cross-eyed and had several emotional disorders such as depression and bi-polarisum just to name a few. He was only good for defrosting Santa's sleigh and warming up hot cocoa, toast and waffles.

Cupid the gigolo, married Trixie the bombshell and had one buck, Arrow. Who was nothing but trouble from the day he was born.

Hermy; the elf; remember him? He was the one who wanted to become a dentist. Well folks that never happened. He ended up working part-time as a dental hygienist and spent most of his time smoking pot with Bling and Tinsel listening to Led Zeppelin, the Grateful Dead and their favorite, Frank Zappa; while eating moose snacks, pizza, oreo cookies and drinking beer. Once they moved to New York, Hermy smoked, drank and ate alone. He became fat, lazy and always in a constant state of numbness.

Prancer the Pacifist became the lead reindeer preaching peace, love and has yoga/meditation classes during the off season.

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen remain on Santa's team, however Cupid wife divorced him for infidelity. What a surprise; and Arrow is on probation for aggravated assault and has to go for anger management classes once a week. Vixen who's still single is no longer on the team because he drinks too much, mostly with Rudolph.

Donner and Ginger have their hands full dealing with Ralph and his bi-polarisum and Rusty with his anger issues. Rudolph has his own problems with Clarice.

Comet still gazes up at the stars and continues to knock things over or walks into things. He married Tipsy and together they can destroy a room at warp speed. They are blissfully happy and have two child of their own, Dropsy and Bazzinga.

Though Dasher remain a bachelor but he does have several little bucks and fawns prancing around all over the place.

If you're wondering what ever happened with Mr. Abominable Snowman wonder no more, he became a vegetarian because he lost all his teeth and ended up losing all kinds of weight. He started lifting weights, exercising, running 20 miles a day and now is all buffed. He joined Prancer's yoga classes and got his mind and body together. He has his own hairstylist, body shaves once a month for that rugged sexy look and Hermy's dentist made him a set of dentures. He is now a Chippendale dancer at the "Club Santa", where Clarice is the bartender and part time pole dancer when they need extra money. They never had their own children. Clarice said one child in the family is enough.

Blitzen does stand-up at Santa's Club and he makes good money writing material for Eddie Murphy and Andrew Dice Clay.

Jingle and Jangles son Nathan is the Head Chef at Della Creme's and is legendary without the North Pole for fine cuisine. He and his 'special friend", Ramone have a cute little Ginger Bread Cottage just outside of town and are very happy.

Dancer and Zelda teach ballet, tap and jazzercise at "D & Z's Fitness Center and Dancer does perform at the club when Abominable is out of town doing a bachelorette party. He's quite agile and has great moves.

Vixen owns a cab company and married his little lady Amber. They have three girls, Ashley, Prue and Heather and together they live a quite life.

Yukon Cornelius the miner who Rudolph and Hermy met during their travels finding themselves years ago is still out there looking for gold but he does come back when he needs to stock up on his "Yukon Jack", what else would he drink, right?

As for Rudolph, well Rudolph turned out to be a narcissistic jack-ass and thinks his reindeer shit come out in zip lock baggies. Sparke and Poppy wished it was true because it's jumbo sized and stinks worse than any one else's.

He sits there every night at Santa's Club" close to the door and grabs hold of anyone coming in or going out that will listen to is tale of how he saved Christmas with his red nose lighting Santa's way. Get over it Rudolph! It was one night a long, long time ago. I mean lets be honest here, have we ever heard anything he did since then? It's true, having high beams when it's necessary is great but Geezle, Peezle Reindeer Dude, move on!

As for Mr. Winter Wizard, he's in a nursing home and sits in a wheelchair drooling a lot. He still tries to do magical tricks but its gone now. All he can do these days if light cigarettes but smoking is not allowed at the home, poor soul.

Business remains as good as ever and children all over the world still wait to hear reindeer hooves prancing above.

The stocking still hang by the chimney with care,

with hopes of St. Nicholas soon being there.

The children remain nestled and snug in there beds,

It's X-box, and Hulu that dance in their heads.

It's face book and U-Tube, they're longing to see.

But unless they have a lap top, that's not going to be.

So, bring on the eggnog,

the rum and the beer,

Some grog and red wine,

and all it's good cheer.

My name is Mitzie,

my story; true blue.

I take care of Reindeer,

I'm the Reindeer Guru.

The End