A life well lived

Her frail body, finally defeated by cancer lay in a marble casket which mum had chosen for herself a few months ago. Like everything in life, she wanted to be ready for death too. We all had known this day would come, yet no matter how much the doctors prepared us, nothing anyone said made it easier.

If anyone looked at mum, all they saw was a bubbly woman, full of love, always sharing positivity and hope wherever she went. No one would have guessed that she, who spread so much of light had gone through so many trials in her life. They say that “those who laugh the most, hide the most amount of sorrow within their hearts”, and I guess the same was true for mum.

She was just 10 months old when her own mother passed away in a car accident. She always told us stories of how much her dad loved her and took care of her and her two older siblings. He did his best, until one day he succumbed to the pressure of society to re-marry for the sake of his children. When mum was 5 years old her dad re-married, and since then her life had changed. Her step-mother’s narcissistic behaviour caused her to have panic attacks from a very young age, and when she was bullied at school it just made life even more difficult. She tried to talk to her father about the problems she was having, but her step-mother rubbished everything she said. Mum eventually became withdrawn, with little to eventually having no friends. Her childhood was painful, as her siblings were much older, and never returned once they left to study abroad. Her loneliness led her to the enchanted world of books. She became engrossed in writing poetry and short stories and started to believe that one day she too could be a published writer, and fill the lives of others with happiness.

When mum had completed her schooling, she wished to study journalism, she believed that it could be a stepping stone towards a writing career. Unfortunately, her step-mother stepped in once again and convinced her father, that it was not a good career choice for a woman, and her dad refused. They chose a career in law for her, obviously they did not know her as well as they thought. To be a lawyer, she would have to appear infront of many people, she would have to communicate with people she did not know. Mum was an introvert and it scared her to death thinking about a career in law, let alone one day practising. She nonetheless, decided to give it a chance with the hope that she could finish her studies and not practice as a lawyer.

While mum was in school she fell in love with my dad, whom she thought could save her from her evil step-mother and the miserable life that she led at home. He swept her off her feet when she was just 16 years old, and showed her a world full of love, a life with the white picket fence, a dog and two children. All of which had come true in the 9 years that she was married to him, but just as quickly as she had achieved her dream, it all came crashing down. As they grew older and started achieving everything she dreamt off, so too did the physical and mental abuse increase. She had no option but to stay with her husband, as she was not financially independent, so as time went on the beatings got worse and the injuries got more severe. Her step-mother made it clear to her when she was getting married that she could never return, as they did not approve of her marriage. Mum endured the abuse year after year, until one day he attacked her in public and there was no way she could hide it anymore. My grandfather had heard about it and insisted she come back home. She was back home, but this time with two children. Although she escaped the physical abuse from my dad, the verbal abuse she had to suffer everyday from her step-mother was no less.

Mum probably could not bear the way my step-grandmother treated us, and as soon as she could afford it, we moved into our own rented-house. I don’t remember my mum ever being so happy as the day we moved into our “own house”. Although all the lights did not work and the building left alot to be desired, mum worked hard to turn that house into a home. It was our slice of heaven, where everyone was happy and we did not have to worry about being shouted at or beaten up. This experience lasted just 6 months, when something even better happened to us. My mum got a job in the city, which was 4 hours away from where we were living. This was like a dream come true for mum. Although my dad and her were divorced, the shared custody and abusive text messages did not stop, mum believed that if we were to move away it would give us the new start we needed.

We loved the city life, but we did not realise how difficult it was on mum. We were going to good schools, had food on the table and went to bed happy everyday. Little did we realise that mum had not been earning that well and her financial battles increased with every month. Yet, she never complained, her bubbly personality was so contagious that my brother and I became comedians in our own right. She stuck with that job, until she got another and another, all the time we never realised how difficult it was for her, all we saw was mum moving because the pay was better. Only a few years later she spoke of her struggles at those previous firms.

After many years of being divorced, mum tried to move on with her life, alas that relationship was so toxic that it destroyed her. She lost her job, her confidence and her friends. Mum had to once again move in with her father. She then got the realisation that the only way things would improve is if she completed her studies. Those three years that we lived in their home was devastating for all three of us, thankfully after mum got her degree, we moved out.

Despite the many set-backs she faced in her life, she remained remarkably positive and taught us that no matter how many times you fall, there’s always tomorrow to get back up and try again. Mum’s “never say die” attitude is what led to her achieving what seemed like impossible goals for someone her age. She was 40 when she qualified and despite competition from people almost half her age, she achieved enormous success. Mum was appointed to the highest court of the land, the Constitutional court, as one of her first jobs when she qualified. This amazed everyone who looked down on her for taking so long to finish her degree. Mum always had inspirational words for us, the one that stands out today is “a degree obtained at 40 is still a degree”. I never understood this till I saw the enormous success she achieved after she qualified. 

Mum always had big dreams for someone who started out so small. When we had nothing but veggies to eat she spoke about eating in 5 star restaurants, when she drove a small car given to her by her dad, she spoke of owning a Porsche, when we rented a two bedroom flat, she spoke of buying a 8 bedroom $5 million house in an expensive part of the city, when we barely had enough food for ourselves she spoke of feeding orphans and one day travelling the world. I smiled and nodded when she spoke, little did I know, those words that she spoke in our lowest moments would one day materialise.

She always said it’s never too late to walk in the direction of your dreams and she was living testimony that your dreams can manifest at any age. After her stint at the Constitutional Court, mum became an advocate and she succeeded beyond even her own expectations, this was fated. I hadn’t seen anyone work as hard as my mother did, even when she did menial jobs, she did it with such pride and dedication that you would swear she was going to change the world. It was mum’s dream to help people and this was achieved when she was appointed to the United Nations Human Rights Commission. She had never known anyone that worked for the United Nations, yet I remember her talking about it, even when I was very young. I remember once, buying fortune cookies, and mum’s cookie read “ do not follow the path that others have tread, but create your own path.” Mum truly was a trail blazer, despite all the adversities she suffered, when she eventually succeeded there was no holding her back.

She would often say that everything she does, she does for my brother and I. This was evident in everything she did, she always put us first and when she started to reap the rewards of her hard work, we were the first ones to benefit. Everything she once spoke of, she achieved. She bought her Porsche and travelled the world and fed thousands of orphans.

At the age of 58, mum was diagnosed with lung cancer, how ironic, she never smoked a day in her life and always encouraged a healthy lifestyle. My brother and I were devastated, but like everything in life, she took it positively and gave us strength when she needed it the most. She made us realise that it was not a death sentence, but a blessing. She would often joke, saying she was lucky because she could get her affairs in order. At least she had fair warning, she said so she could appreciate the life she had left and repair broken relationships (not that she had any). In the 8 months from her diagnosis till this day, there were bad days and good days, but never was there a sad day, until today.

In case you were wondering, yes, mum even bought her $5 million dream home, where her casket lies decked with beautiful flowers, the pathway lined in sunflowers. Odd for a funeral to have sunflowers, but they were mum’s favourite and a special request. She often said it reminded her of the sun and when she died there should be lots of sunflowers to remind us that tomorrow the sun will rise again and her love for us will never die.