Self Reflection

I have to ask myself if I look good before I leave. My reflection will tug its face out of mine and scrunch her mouth and raise her eyebrows and go “hmm” like a bitch before saying “Yeahh, I guess.” I didn’t know I could sound like such an asshole before this started happening but I’m not a huge fan.

I tell her she should try being nicer and she just flips me off and asks, “Why would I?” and I really don’t have an answer for her. Unfortunately, she is stuck in a mirror and I understand why she might feel resentment.

I take longer putting together an outfit now, waiting for her slicing commentary. She pulls her mouth in a weird way and says “hmm” again. “You should wear more green. It looks really good on you.” I look at her straight in the eyes and see us both surprised.

“Okay.” I shrug and keep a little burst secret inside my heart.

She stays quiet when I’m on the phone. I talk to my mother and linger on the phone longer and longer. I slide myself down all the way on my bed and cross my ankles, listening. I can see her moving around in the corner and making faces. I stick out my tongue at her and roll over away from the mirror.

I start to feel embarrassed by the clothes on my floor and empty dishes by the door. She doesn’t say anything about it but clears her throat whenever I pick my way around them. Face hot, I stop and clear the space. “Happy now?”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Shut up.” She sticks her tongue back out at me and I roll my eyes.

I never buy flowers for myself but I bought some for her and put them in a vase and arrange them in the golden afternoon light. After pricking myself a couple of times, the roses are placed just right and she kind of smiles.

“I can’t even smell those but they look cute!” I smile.

“I’m glad you like them.”

I let the cats into my bedroom while I’m working on an essay. She sits up very straight and gets close, cooing as they wind their way around her, fascinated. I ignore them all and keep typing. “Shh.”

She doesn’t look at me. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Hmph.” They abandon the mirror and climb up by me. I finally put a hand down and scratch under their chins as they purr and press closer.

On the weekend, I shuffle closer to the mirror, pulling on my eyelid as I apply another lash poorly. She snickers. “Can you help at all?” I ask.

“My only advice is give up or start two hours ago. You’re never going to make that work right now.” I keep going, even though she’s right and I leave with uneven eyes. I sit down next time and finally fix them.

I never really worked out before but I found this girl online who posts good videos and so I hide away in my room and exercise along in front of the mirror. At first she immediately falls away and flops on the reflected bed, fine with just watching me embarrass myself.

After a few days I look at her and go “You know, you might have some fun if you try too. Otherwise I'm just going to quit." She moves to flip me off again but stops, just scrunching her mouth again like I never do. "I guess you're right."

We huff and puff together to the workouts, getting fitter and leaner. I don’t care when she sees me shake and sweat, muscles contracting. I high five my mirror before I leave in the mornings. She tells me I look good without asking.

I switch to audiobooks so she can listen along. I think out loud when it’s done and we go back and forth for hours. I pop open the window and smoke a cigarette while she wrinkles her nose. “Don’t be like that.” I say. The smell crawls up my nose and tickles.

“Whatever. Not my lungs.” She replies. I reach out and stub it on the sill. “Okay.”

I don’t need new people now. She’s there when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I look forward to whenever she opens up.

She sits close whenever I’m in my room and starts talking about what she sees when I’m gone. She watches the plants grow in their too-small pots and hears the cats scratching at the door and waits as the sky grows darker and the light gets dimmer and then I return.

I ask her what she wants and she makes a face like an asshole. I forgot what that expression looked like. “What do you think, stupid.” I frown.

“I don’t know how to give you that.” She sighs.

“I never thought you would.”

A few nights later I leave the blinds open to the moon when I sleep. She said she hadn’t seen the night light in forever. I toss a leg over the blanket as I roll over.

The bed creaks a little. My pillow gets hot. I hear a scratch under my mattress. My stomach turns once and I breathe out slowly.

“Hey, are you there?” I hear next to my face. My eyes are open but I cannot see.

“Yes,” I exhale, “I’m here.”

“Thanks for being so nice.”

“Ah. You’re welcome.”

“I was mean on purpose but I feel bad about it now.”

“That’s okay.”

“I feel really bad.”

“I said it’s okay.”

“I feel bad about what I’m going to do next.” I blink hard and then keep my eyes closed.

“I said it’s okay. I get it. Please remember to feed the cats in the morning and call my mom every couple of days. That’s all you have to do.” I’m surprised by how strong and calm I feel.

“Okay.”

“Like for real. I mean it.”

“I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Alright. Thanks.”

“Yeah no problem. Night.” I breathe out again and then she inhales and then she’s me and I’m her and we’re blinking and breathing and then she makes me small and I blink and then she squishes me under her thumb and then I am dark.