September Falls

It was always that next hit, that next thrill, that kept me going. Sure, I’d give it all for fifteen minutes of pure bliss. But how far would I go to leave it all behind? Did I have to lose my mind?

How many bodies had penetrated the most sacred, holy, part of me? Did I ask myself that as I left the starlet nights in ragged clothes, and a rigid jaw full of scars, memories, full of conflicts with the law. With permanent conditions and no one that saw.

I sit and look across town, everyone’s just milling about looking for something to do. Summer was hot, a forgotten ink blot, a failed IQ test. But I tried to hold on, between the inhaling exhaling fuses and secret meetings at Exxon.

I tried to hang tight, between failed operations—absent liquor bottles off the store shelf—absent being anybody better than anyone else—absent the tickets, no easy pass through on the highway between this side and that side of you, of all I thought I had known, of a plane that I couldn’t get on because my destiny was outgrown, as I stood before them all, the wall, in a blue hospital gown—as the moon looked on frowning abusively.

I was secretly drowning in the ignorance of all that I could not achieve was deceived—and so came another dead-end opportunity he hands me bags full of crack, then I hand him the key—to my life—to the knife—in my back before the world goes back I move to step three have a heart attack and square one…repeat…staring at the barrel of a gun.

Did they see me, am almost frail fallible fail of a woman---did secret against know I was there, the black vans parked across the street was I being

watched wasn’t I discreet? Did anyone dare when I could not sleep at night? How

does one ever get right? I loved not having an appetite—my bones stuck out, I

feel great—full of aches, mistakes, and hate….hated, jaded….feeling like Im too

late.

The silent, panicked, cravings. The defeat, impaired judgement,

the misery. The terrible pain of a silent storm in my brain—bisbehaving, an embrace, a numbed chord, a dysphoric chorus—a bright wide, white-toothed

smiled. Pure and white, clear as dawn—like my denial. The needles entering my

veins, the bloodstream that creepy love sustains…heartaches and broken

dreams…bullet holes, trailer parks with doors without screens and unknown forgotten screams. I cried as they carried his body away.

I wanted to float away. Just like he did that beautiful spring

day...

     I wanted to fly like a hidden

dagger into all the light played --- all the body betrayed—to march against the tide in a rose parade...all the people are the church were serenaded—I followed the black preacher, he said come here I am your teacher—and I saw them all…you

see—these here took the fall before you—would love to be where you are, just one more chance to save your soul- crack is mind control….Satan’s evil agents….it

will take you, break you whole. It was so dark in the room under God’s holy temple underground--I found a window and it opened into the street….in this damn

town. Where is it? Where did he hide the shit it cant be found. I hope that

I

can go on..

Just. One. More. Stupid. Hit. Just another excuse another                          //s-t-i-t-c-h//

  Stupid stupid Piece of shit you stupid

bitch

She’s got an arm full

of plastic he’s a bullet in my brain, the killer takes aim—Im on the run again,

round and round I go---insane insane

little schizo…insane crazy show…how to be

crazy in a crazy world—Girl on reality-

tv-doing blow…I know I know this horrid play this pyramid scheme this twisted impossible scheme! Cold/Calculating chaos Like the snow, like the snow that

fell---a million snowflakes damning me to hell. Like my name:

Gabrielle

Maybe this story ends where it starts—the day I lost control,

the day I fell apart.

               Standing before the gates of hell----crying----

in the rain---between worlds places you'll never find

never see never go

Disillusioned in September---cursed by all the things I don’t

know yet- and some will never-

              When will it ever

the train-wrecks and heart-attacks turn into nightmares… am I dying? maybe Im insane

so...am I dead yet? no...

     He just stares and stares and

stares right through my eyes his are black as night and I sleep with a knife

because I’m afraid of the night. I promise I will continue to fight…

I’m still here while he continues to drive through this

storm---hoping to find a place to hide that’s warm. I feel a chill, so I take a happy pill and put on some extra clothes. I am well today I suppose…like a white rose,when I was a little girl, I used to wake up early to see the drops of dew over

the flowers after a spring rain…unlike you I transformed my pain into an entire universe. I see him looking down from above full of radiant rays of the rainbow

of love and the life I wanted once—I have a million flowers for

the ones I wanted to save, but they overdosed on broken jagged pills and dumb fantasies

for thrills and wasted iou letters I loved you too…I love you so much

will not allow the pain to overtake me, I will not become so comfortably numb.

Unlike you I am me again. I am clean again. Hows that for being a human? How is that for mean? The rain that made me remember everything...from the fact that God is black and so is his son. To the fact that I love staring at the Sun, to the sad crack-habit that I had, and then overcame and won--

wished I had never tried that stuff because the moment you sacrifice something you love for something you hate you end up ripped into a million parasites—its a torture you dont want to create--like a mysterious virus—like a terrible lie- actions have consequences you don’t need to die for another fake prescription, or false alibi just hold on to the one truth--my best advice—you were destined to conquer this, you are destined rise.