Katie & Amy

“What do you mean you don’t feel like yourself?” She reached her arm across the small table, making sure to avoid the wine glasses, and rested her hand on my forearm.

“Well…” I started, “I guess I’ve noticed that no matter what I do in a day, I still go to bed and wake up tired and in this kind of blah state. Like nothing is inherently bad and things can absolutely be good for a little bit but then it wears off and I’m right back to being in this head space and it scares the hell out of me.”

She gave a soft nod of her head and a light squeeze to the arm she was still holding giving me the little boost I needed to keep sharing.

Amy and I had been friends since the seventh grade and now, both thirty-one, she knew me well enough to know when to let me figure out how and when to say what I needed to. And I knew that she would let me, ever patient as she was. There wasn’t judgment in our friendship – unless one of us really needed to snap out of it. We were probably beyond the bounds of friendship and into the realm of sisterhood, really.

I reached for my wine – Pinot Grigio, chilled to the perfect temperature – and took a big swig and swallowed with a gulp.

“I think I’m afraid it’s depression again,” I sighed releasing all the air I had apparently held onto. “Just the other day, I went to the gym and sat in my car for thirty minutes. I was frozen, Ames, like I couldn’t get out even if I wanted to and I had wanted to. It took forever to break out of that but step by step, I got my ass in there. But it was like, okay turn off the car. Okay, now put the bag on your lap. Okay, good. Now, open the car door. I even had music playing but, in the moment, I remember thinking I don’t even think I’ve heard what’s been playing for the last however long.” Sloshing my wine in the glass, I looked across at her.

“Katie, all I heard is that you got out of your car. You accomplished that.”

I rolled my eyes and gave a small smile. Amy was nothing if not optimistic.

“No, but seriously,” she said, “this sounds like anxiety. Maybe this is the start of another depressive episode for you, but you’re still experiencing both highs and lows no matter how small the change is.” I nodded along with her. “Maybe you’re exhausted because you’re you. Maybe,” she continued, “you need time off from work. Maybe you need to see your doctor. You might need to make some changes, and I also know you’ve been working really hard on that, so maybe you just need a break.”

Her eyebrows scrunched and I could see she was contemplating whether or not to say what she was thinking.

She brought her own wine glass to her lips and before taking a sip, the words tumbled out of her. “Or maybe you just need to dump Harry.”

Like a Band-Aid being ripped off, Amy’s thought hung between us.

I rolled my eyes and smiled at her because, unsurprisingly, the thought may have already occurred to me. Harry had been a fixture in my life for the past five months and as much as I liked the basic idea of ending up with him, it also made me want to vomit. Plus, the thought of being single while I sorted out whatever was going on with me felt an awful lot like hope.

Amy didn’t hate Harry; she’d just met him a few times and been underwhelmed and unimpressed. Where I had Harry, Amy had Tyler and – not that we were comparing because I know she just wants me to find something similar and for me to be happy – there was no comparison. Tyler loved Amy with every fiber of his being and it was the same for Amy towards him. I loved them and I wanted that too. Maybe I had lost sight of that a little and somehow let myself be okay with mediocre and the status quo.

The silence finally broke between us when I let out a snort. “Yeah, I think that break-up needs to happen. Quickly. Imminently.”

“Stat,” Amy cut in and giggled as she whispered the letters, “A. S. A. P.”

I tossed back another sip of wine just as our server came to deliver our entrees. With our food on the table and a forkful each, we clinked our glasses as was customary between the two of us before the first bite. My train of thought derailed and my mind was consumed by the flavours of the Mediterranean pasta in front of me.

Mouthfuls later, Amy started our conversation again. “If there’s one thing that you think might help you to feel better” – she bounced her fingers in air quotes as she said feel better – “what would that be? Or, what are the things that are weighing you down?”

I sighed. It was nice to be here. It was nice to be with Amy. It was nice to get out of my own head. I cleared my throat, “Well, Harry is a good place to start – or end?” I breathed out a laugh. I felt sorry for the guy, I really did, but he wasn’t doing himself any favours and single was sounding better and better the more minutes passed since Amy first brought it up. “And, maybe, it’s time to look at my job...? Or, like, quit and go on a European adventure with some of the money I have saved. You know, run away for a little.” I rushed out the last bunch of words and was more than joking but now that I’d said it – damn it if the idea didn’t appeal to me.

I could see the cogs rotating in Amy’s mind as she processed my attempt to make light of my life.

“Yes.” She mulled it over and nodded her head slowly. “Katie, I’m serious, even though you probably weren’t,” she stuck her tongue out at me. “That does not sound like a bad idea and I think you should do it! Maybe not, like, immediately, but yes! And I can help you and you can just go and be and enjoy yourself for once.”

We let the idea settle while we finished our dinner and let the conversation flow, talking more about what was going on in my head and about Amy’s recent promotion. The night came to an end with the two of us hugging each other and saying goodbyes like we wouldn’t see one another in three days.

Amy was full and satisfied from her meal and time with her best friend. It seemed a little silly to latch onto a throw-away idea that Katie would take time off work and go travel the world. Speaking of traveling, her and Tyler were due for a little getaway.

Settled in her car, she tapped on the screen and dialled her husband.

“Hey babe,” he answered effortlessly, “you and Katie finished already?”

“We are and I’ve got a name beef burger and fries with your name on it.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too,” she laughed, the smile deepening on her face. She made a sound but hesitated.

“Full send, love. What’s on your mind?” Tyler asked.

“Ty, can you keep a secret? I mean I know you can but right now, in this moment, I need to ask you that again.”

“Umm, yeah – what did you do?” She knew he trusted her implicitly and she was thankful for that.

“Hah, I didn’t do anything – yet. Ty, I think Katie’s going to quit her job or take time off and then go to Europe and I want to help her do that.”

“Right, that’s huge! Good for her.”

“Right?! That’s what I think too, but maybe don’t say anything until she tells both of us or it’s public, you know.”

“Of course.” He paused, waiting for her to continue. “And…” he led her on.

“And I want to tell your brother about her and have her stay at his villa in Italy.” She knew she was insane and normally this wouldn’t constitute as a secret, but the thought had jumped into her mind and she couldn’t let it go. “I know that’s not why she wants to do all this but I can’t shake the feeling that this could be good for her too.”

She drummed her finger along the steering wheel as he mulled over her request.

“You want to set Katie up with Jordan?” It didn’t sound like he was against the idea just confused, which was valid.

“I know it’s kind of coming from nowhere but I think he could help her. So,” she breathed out as she asked him again, “can this be a secret between us?”

She turned the corner to their house and gave him the space to think it over.

“Okay,” he confirmed with a small smile on his lips. “I can keep a secret.”

Amy pulled into the driveway of their rancher and he was waiting in the front door, leaning lazily against the doorframe. “Thank you,” she whispered as she parked her car next to his.

He sauntered down the steps and opened her door for her, hanging up their phone call.

Tyler looked her square in the eyes, “You’re not going to meddle, are you? Not more than you already are?”

She shook her head and handed him his food and hauled herself out of the vehicle. “No, babe, I just want to see if this might be something that will help her find herself again. And if her and Jordan hit it off and end up having babies in Italy and we can visit, well I think that’s a hell of a win.”

He laughed and brought her into him with a hug that said a million words and still managed to take her breath away.

“It’s not lost on me that if she knew she might not go,” she mumbled as they shuffled into the house. “I’ll tell her, I will.” She promised as he laid his burger onto a plate to heat up in the microwave.

“I’ll do a little research and maybe we can check how Jordan might feel too?”

“Maybe, you tell Katie and I’ll tell Jordan, and if something happens between them, then we roll with that?” He said to her.

“I’m not opposed to that,” she huffed as she hopped onto the couch, phone in hand. “I’ll tell her I have an idea. You eat, I’ll do research and then we’ll go to bed not talk for a bit, yeah?”

“I like the way you think, Ames.” He laughed, bending down to give her a kiss on the cheek before taking up his burger and settling into the rest of their night.