Never Getting Back Together

This man had yelled at me for so long, it surprised me he had energy left to keep going. His face was tomato red and he looked on the verge of collapse from lack of oxygen. His arms flailed enough for a workout. I didn’t hear a word he said, because when I pulled into this parking lot I got a text from Tommy. The text said he was back in town, and I couldn’t handle another round with Tommy. Every time he came back, he’d tell me he had this big revelation that I was the one for him and this time things were settled. I’d be thrilled to finally build our life together. Then he’d meet some amazing woman, and he wouldn’t be so sure anymore. He’d need some time to really think it through. Or at least that’s what I assumed, considering he actually disappeared without a word. He mentioned once or twice getting all this out of his system would make us stronger in the end. Maybe once or twice this could happen and people wouldn’t fault a woman for having hope. At this point, I can’t even count how many times we’ve cycled through and it’s time to admit I have some blame. Who lets a person talk to them like that? Treat them like that? I felt physically sick with disgust for myself.

The screaming man stomped his foot hard on the ground emphasizing some point I’d missed. A vein in his neck looked ready to explode. People stared at us with wide eyes, but kept walking.

When Sheila was still my friend, before she finally had enough, she told me what Tommy and I had wasn’t love. She said Tommy’s life was a mess and I was a sweet girl who was really good at cleaning. Also that I didn’t love him either, which I thought was outrageous. She said Tommy was someone I thought was hotter and cooler than I deserved and I believed getting a guy like that would cure all my insecurities. She said that wasn’t true. If one day I did finally “win” Tommy, I’d quickly realize, I didn’t feel an ounce better. Sometimes I thought she might be right, but when Tommy was in town, it felt like we were meant to be. I felt like someone with someone like that. No one else made me feel so good. No one else made me so deeply depressed either.

As the man continued to scream profanities at me, I stepped back to avoid all the spit flying from his mouth. Another man approached with a brown paper bag of groceries in his hands. He had his keys out, presumably going to the car next to mine. He looked at the screaming man and then looked at me. There was a softness in his light blue eyes that put me a bit more at ease. That anything could offer calm in a moment like this seemed like magic.

“Excuse me?” The man with the groceries said to the screaming man. “What’s going on here?”

Tears blurred my eyesight. Why wouldn’t this screaming man just walk away? He yelled at the man with the groceries to mind his own business.

“Fine. I don’t need to be a part of this, but if you don’t walk away, I’m going to call the police.” He spoke with the calm of a therapist.

“You should call! Report this stupid bitch.”

“Okay, great.” The man shifted his groceries to one arm and reached for his pocket with his free hand.

“Wait, don’t do that.” The screaming man finally spoke at a normal level. Then he turned to me. “I hope you learned your fucking lesson!”

The screaming man finally left. I took several deep breaths. My hands were shaking. I didn’t realize that until now. I leaned against my car for support.

“Geez, what was that about?” The man with the groceries smiled warmly at me.

“I don’t even know. I think I took his parking spot or something? I didn’t mean to do whatever it was. I was a bit distracted thinking about things, so maybe I did.”

“Even if you did, that’s a strong overreaction.” The man shook his head. “Are you okay?”

I nodded, though I wasn’t sure. It took that screaming man two seconds to decide I wasn’t worthy of any respect. Maybe there was something wrong with me. Something inherently less than to others.

“Hey, you want to get a coffee or something?” the man with the groceries asked. “There’s a place right there. I even feel like I need a minute after that. I’d understand if you did.”

I glanced at the coffee shop and then back at the man who stared at my shaking hands. Something about him made me feel safer. Possibly how calm he sounded. “Sure. What about your groceries though?”

“It’ll be fine. Nothing to worry about.”

For a moment, I wondered what Tommy would do if he were here. Would he punch the man? Scream back? Or would he shake his head and walk away as I got what I deserved? Sometimes I believed he cared about me, and other times I thought I could disappear and he’d forget me completely. It depended where we were in our cycle and who else he knew at the time. I sighed. We’d only work out in some apocalypse where I was the last woman on earth. Even then maybe he’d find a more attractive mannequin or something instead.

The man put his groceries in the car, and we walked towards the coffee shop.

“My name’s Ethan.”

“I’m Phoebe. Thank you for helping me. I wasn’t sure he’d ever stop.”

“It was a bit scary.”

“Yeah. This is a great idea too. I could use a calming cup of tea. Really it’s so nice of you.” I wasn’t used to this. I’d had bad days and even cried in front of people before. Usually they acted like they didn’t notice.

“Well, you could say it’s nice, but before you consider me to be a selfless person or anything, I should tell you something.” He held the door open for me. “There are few things in life I like more than a good cup of hot chocolate and this place has the best. So it’s kind of a good excuse.”

I laughed and it felt like shaking off a heavy rain drenched coat; lighter and warmer. How long has it been since I laughed? “It’s been years since I’ve had hot chocolate. It always reminds me of building snowmen. Or tunnels for our family dog.”

“My brothers and I would make full battle fields for our snowball fights. Trenches and forts and catapults and everything.”

“Oh my, that sounds…”

“Dangerous? Incredibly. All sorts of injuries.”

I laughed again and all the stress of the car encounter melted away. “I think you’ve sold me. I’ll try one of their hot chocolates too.”

He looked proud of this. We ordered our drinks and carried the warm mugs to a table by the window. A vibration from my pocket alerted me to a text message. I knew it’d be from Tommy and dread swirled in my stomach. I didn’t bother looking. Nothing was ruining this delightful chocolate experience for me.

“What do you like to do for fun?” Ethan asked.

The question was simple. A common getting to know you question. One that should be lighthearted and perfect for cheering up the mood. For me, it felt challenging. Inside, I had this deep fear of being boring to other people, which usually caused me to be dishonest. With Tommy I wanted to look cool and told him I liked bonfire parties on the beach and riding bikes. I hated both. The sand on beaches drives me crazy and seagulls scare me. Bikes were worse. How did anyone enjoy sitting on that uncomfortable seat? Sometimes I’d say photography to only half lie, but most people found that boring too. Today, I thought what the hell? Why not be honest? Ethan probably was only talking to me to make me feel better and once he knew I was okay, that’d be it.

“This is going to sound really weird, probably, and I don’t tell, well, anyone this.”

He looked curious.

I sighed. “Honestly, I really like setting up little scenes and taking photos of my bearded dragon, Maxwell, as the main character in them. I can show you a picture. It might explain it better.”

“Sure, I want to see.” Ethan’s eyes lit up in a way I wasn’t expecting.

I opened my phone, ignored Tommy’s text asking where I was, and pulled up a photo of Western Max. Max had a little cowboy hat and red bandana. I had some plastic horses and a little toy train. His hand rested on top of a small toy gun. A few succulents decorated the set. When I told Ethan no one knew about this, I wasn’t lying. Absolutely no one. My cheeks burned showing him, but Max looked so cute.

“This is awesome,” Ethan said. “He’s adorable.”

I shrugged unconvinced he meant it.

“You know, if you’d even be interested in some help, I’d like to. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I’m a volunteer set designer for my nephew’s theater group at school. My name is written in quite a few Franklin Middle School theater programs. One might consider me a professional.”

I laughed again and felt sparkly inside. “Really? That’s sweet you help them.”

He shrugged. “I enjoy painting and woodwork, so it’s a blast. I’m excited to do it. I could think of some cool backdrops for Maxwell, but only with full respect to your vision.”

My cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I had an urge to get right to work planning something amazing for Max. Maybe he could be in space or some wild fantasyland. Could Ethan draw dragons? I took a deep breath and reminded myself not to overwhelm him. “I’d really like that.”

The hot chocolate tasted way better than any I remembered having on snowy days as a kid. My taste buds danced delightedly as the smooth, rich chocolate spread across them. Ethan showed me photos of some of the furniture he built for neighbors and relatives. Each one had incredible carved details and such a professional quality.

Once Sheila told me I wasn’t giving other people enough of a chance. I protested that loyalty was important, and people needed to choose each other. She argued that was true once they had made the right choice. Tommy wasn’t the right choice and I wasn’t loyal. I was stuck. Maybe she was right. Convinced I’d never find people like me, I think I had given up. It all felt so foolish now. Lazy even.

“I think you’ve converted me into being a hot chocolate drinker. This was so good.”

He smiled and looked down. My insides fluttered.

“What’re your thoughts on pasta?” He asked this with such a serious, thoughtful expression, I couldn’t help but giggle. When I did, he smiled. I really liked that smile.

“Pasta? Oh, I’m very pro pasta.”

He nodded. “I might also know a place that’s the best for that.”

“So far it seems like you have good taste, so I’d be interested.” My heart throbbed so quickly and loudly, I could barely hear my own voice. Unable to maintain eye contact, I focused on my hands and rubbed my fingers together.

“I could bring you there sometime? Sure, I could just tell you where it is, but I want to be there to see if I’m right.”

“And to have another excuse to enjoy it yourself I’m sure?”

“Of course,” he laughed. Then after a short pause added, “It’s kind of rare I find someone so fun to talk to. This has been nice.”

“It has. Other than that psycho in the parking lot.”

“Yeah, we can skip that next time.”

“That sounds great. I’m so excited for this pasta.”

“Yeah. I’m sure it’ll be good. I’m more excited to meet Mr. Maxwell though. I’ll bring some sketches you can run by the star. Maybe some … what does he eat? Crickets?”

My face couldn’t handle any more smiling. “He’s a little hard to please, but I’ll put in a good word for you and I’m sure the bribery will help. He loves crickets.”

I would too. I’d go home and tell Max everything. I’d consider sending an apology to Sheila since she was right about so many things, but probably wouldn’t since it’d feel too awkward after all this time. I’d definitely send Tommy a message too, using the words of my favorite singer to make clear we were never ever ever getting back together. There’s no way I could predict how things would go with Ethan. Maybe I’d find out some awful thing about him over pasta. He might be one of those people who only used olive oil and cilantro or something gross. Or maybe something more serious like that he had a secret wife. There were no guarantees, but I was tired of always being second best and today I had some hope. I could do something about it.