Not Today, Not Tomorrow, But Someday

“Write a story where a particular piece of clothing appears three times”.

Every day of the week except for Monday was a day I could feel happy about. I don’t know what I ever did to Friday to deserve it, after that I started hating it.

It was a Friday that she called me. I remembered her hyperventilating, she couldn’t say it so she had to get a nurse to do it.

Then the nurse said quietly, in a whisper, “Hello, this a nurse from Krópavogur Hospital. I am very sorry for you to hear this-”, she paused for a while and I’d like to thank her for that. That moment of peace, I knew it had something to do with him. I knew but I want to hold on. It was such a fake desperation, “Áki Matthíasson is in the icu.” I wished she hung up so badly. I knew it had something to do with him but I just wished she said it was joke. I felt horrible that day, maybe it was worse but I just felt stunned. Maybe that was to prevent me from doing something stupid.

She continued talking and I couldn’t even move my hand anymore. I couldn’t move my legs nor my face. It wasn’t until 30 minutes after she hung up that I was able to gain control of my body again. I honestly didn’t remember how I got to the hospital. It wish I did, maybe it would’ve kept my mind off of thinking about it. Thankfully my car was getting repaired, if not for that, with the state of mind that I had I couldn’t imagine what would have happened.

“Analía!” A woman cried out for me, no that woman cried out for me. That woman who was my best friend’s mother and a second mother to me. She just hugged me and I held her like how she used to hold us. I could feel her squeezing me and her warmth and tears but I just stood still. I regretted so many things that day but the most that I regretted was looking up. I was just about a feet away from the door and I saw his face. I used every-thing in me to work my frozen legs and I pushed incredibly hard for it to move.

I did end up moving and then I immediately ran and I just kept running. I don’t care if I’m a coward or something. My friend was in the icu and it wasn’t even that easy for me to run. It felt beyond painful and detrimental. It was never something that went away, instead it just built up.

My phone was ringing but I didn’t care, it had the same feel, similar to 16th notes building up to something. It took a while until the ringing stopped. It started to unfold and remove like wrapping paper. Then another layer of paper and then another and another. Then it was this box, a medium sized box and this stupid box made me cry. It felt even more lonelier, the fact that I had to listen to myself cry.

I started to feel adjusted to my position in my bed. And I felt relieved that I cried it out but then my mind started to wonder. It wondered and wondered, trying to aggravate me. And it stumbled upon his face, I adore my best friend but after seeing his face but in a hospital bed. I couldn’t feel the same way anymore.

Again his face was still there in my mind, if I closed my eyes or opened it. It was laminated everywhere. I couldn’t sleep because every single time I tried to fall asleep it was just his face. I turned on the tv for the noise and it was tuned into an idiotic soap opera. But I liked the noise, it made me feel not lonely. It made me feel as if someone was there accompanying me through this pain.

“Áki, what are you doing here?” This was two days before the news. I was just innocently confused why he was here instead of practice.

“I’m here to give you this. It’s a dress, I made it myself and I can assure you it’ll look gorgeous on you.” His face was just smiling. His smile was just wonderful. You hear from stories on the news about how the person who passed could light up the room. It was the same for Áki, except with his face he could control your emotions. He was just mesmerizing.

I peeked inside to look at it and I could tell that it was a white dress. “Why white?” I asked him. There was also ribbons in both of our favourite colour; green. He just smiled and said, “You look stunning in white, any other color could clash with your features. Wear it every where you go.” He grinned and I started laughing.

I complimented him and said that I’ll try it on for him to wear at his game. We continued talking but then we parted ways. I turned back and I continued watching him walk away from me.

I stood up and immediately felt this desperation. I just desperately wanted to find the dress. It was too painful to even look for something that he touched or even touch it myself. But, I just wanted a piece of my friend with me. I turned my flat upside down. It was incredibly messy but I still kept searching. I couldn’t find it.

I tried to remember where I left it but it just came to his face. So I stopped searching, I didn’t want to see his face. Just not for a short period of time. I know that when I feel better, that I’ll want to see his face every single second of my life. But not today and not tomorrow. But someday.

I was back at the hospital. I felt better this time, this time I could walk. This time I could breath and control my body. But the sound of a child crying started to make me anxious. I then turned, I did not like this.

I tried to calm down, I tried, I tried. Then I heard a dog barking. Fjola! I put the bag on the counter which had Fjola’s bed beneath it. I felt at half at eased for once but the other half was still, not wanting to move. It was still going to be a bumpy road but that moment was something I needed to even be able to going through the journey.

I took a step and it was his face again. But I tried, I incredibly tried. I tried to remember his smile, his face. The memories we had together. I tried. 1 step… 5 steps… 10 steps… 15 steps… I started to be able to breath. I looked up for once again, and I looked straight. I noticed a lot of green and started to ran. Now running my eyes started to get blurry from the tears. I decided to let myself cry. That first whimper I made, I started to feel that it was normal. So I let out a bigger sound.

Now back at home I saw the bag and reached for it. I fell but I knew that there still had to be pain. I felt stiff and my heart started to punch me. My hands shook while trying to reach for the dress. Looking at it made me cry. It felt like it was a foreign object that was so strange. But the moment I hugged it tightly to my chest I wailed. I wailed and wailed and wailed. He wanted me to wear this for his funeral.

There was something else that was also in the bag. It was a letter. “From Áki to you”, it was in his handwriting. It felt inappropriate to touch it so I just stared at it. I’ll read it later but not today, and not tomorrow but someday.