Silent Regret

"There you go. Congratulations Mrs. Shirley. I told you cancer had nothing on you." I said as I leaned down to hug her from where she sat on her wheelchair. She had just rang the bell of surviving cancer, and I couldn't be happier.

"Thank you dear. You have been a very big help to me. I don't know what would have happened if it were not for you." She said as she attempted to hug me tighter against her frail body. I pulled back and saw that tears were rolling down her cheeks, and I had to fight my own that were threatening to fall.

"I was just doing my job Mrs. Shirley." I said as I wiped away the tears from her cheeks.

"No Alina, you really helped my mom, I can't even imagine what would happen if you...." Meredith, her daughter, voice trails off as tears started rolling down her cheeks too.

I feel my chest tightening, it's a whole too familiar feeling that I know what will come next if I don't get out of here. "Let me go get the paperwork for your mom's discharge." I say all too quickly before excusing myself and hurriedly go to the staff's bathroom. I head directly to the sink and splash water on my face. Hold yourself together Alina, hold it in just a little bit till you are out of here.

I remember the day Mrs.Shirley was admitted to the hospital. She had just been diagnosed with cancer and had given up on life. She didn't want to take any medication, didn't want to undergo any treatment, didn't want to have a nasogastric tube inserted in her so she could feed.

When I got Mrs. Shirley assigned to me as my patient, I underwent a lot of emotions. How was I going to handle all of this? I had just got back to work from a bereavement leave and the first patient that was assigned to me after I had just lost my cousin to cancer, was a cancer patient, same cancer too, pancreatic cancer. I saw him in her, refusal to take medication, adamant about any treatment, not being able to eat and still refusing the nasogastric tube, being hopeless about life, I saw Noah. What was the universe trying to do? Torture me because of my selfishness? Remind me of what a self centred person I am? Or give me a chance to re-do myself by helping someone else?

I guided Meredith to finish finalising the paperwork for her mom's discharge, before finishing documenting my work for the day and handing over the patients to the night shift team before leaving the building and heading to my car. I get in my car and lean against the steering wheel, feeling the sudden wash of exhaustion take over, and my body feels so heavy. It's not physical exhaustion, it's emotional. Why didn't he get better? Why didn't he get the chance to ring the bell? Why didn't he walk out of the hospital alive? All the questions ran inside my head and I felt a single tear travelling down my left eye. I'm pulled out of my trance when some knocks on my window. I wipe the tear from my eye before quickly sitting up straight, and seeing Laura, the nurse incharge in our unit, outside my window. I put on the best smile I can master before rolling down the window.

"Hey Laura." I say as I secretly hope that my voice doesn't sound shaken.

"Hello dear. Are you okay? You look a bit off." She asks as she tries to study my face.

"I'm good Laura. Can I help you with something?"

"Not really. I was just heading towards my car when I noticed you in here and wanted to check if you're okay."

"Yeah I'm just tired." I said faking a yawn.

"Oh okay. I just wanted to see if you are okay considering everything you've been through. I can imagine how tough it has been considering everything, especially with Mrs.Shirley." There it is, the facial expression on her face, pity. I hate it. It makes me feel weak and fragile even though that the last thing I want to feel. It makes people treat me differently than the way they would have normally treated me because they 'feel bad' for me.

"I'm okay Laura thanks." We say our goodbyes before I turn on the ignition and drive home.

____________________

Today was one of those days. The crazy shifts. Where everything and anything seems to go wrong, and you feel yourself going insane. But I'm grateful, grateful for what I do, grateful for the impact I make in people's lives, to see my patients go home much better and healthier than when they came in, grateful for being a nurse.

I got home, took a quick shower before heading to the kitchen to look for something to eat. I took out some leftover mac and cheese from the freezer and put it in the microwave to warm.

I knew meal prepping would pay off.

I went to the living room and plopped myself on the couch as I waited for the microwave timer to go off. I grabbed my phone from the coffee table and scrolled through it till I reached his name. I almost tapped on it to open our chats when I noticed something. His profile picture is no longer there. I tap on it and it goes straight out black. I hurriedly go to the call log app and try calling the number. This number is no longer available. Unavailable! It's not even going straight to voicemail like it always has these past few months. It's unavailable. That's when it hits me.

His phone number is no longer available.

I feel it coming. All the emotions and feelings I've been trying to hold on inside me, all the pain and hurt I've been bottling up at the back of my head, all the tears that I thought had dried up, they all come together and I feel a burning sensation inside my chest that crawls up to my throat and I can't help the sound that escapes my mouth.

They are taking him away. The world is taking him away from me. Cancer wasn't enough to take him away from him. The handkerchief that held all the tears that I cried during the last time I saw him at the hospital, the tears that I cried when I received the news that he's gone, the tears that I cried during his funeral, and all the other tears that I cried because of him, got lost a few weeks ago. And now the last thing that made me feel connected to him is gone.

I try calling the phone number again and it's still unavailable. I go back to our chats and send him a text.

Hey.

Guess what. Your phone number is no longer available, can you believe that. I mean it's only been, five and a half months, but they already want to reassign your phone number.

I vent over a text, just like how I've been venting over texts to the person I still don't want to believe is gone.

He really is gone. And I will never get to see him again.

I thought I was getting better, I thought I was handling it all well, I thought I'm finally accepting that he is gone and that life has to move on. But no, I'm not.

I'm falling back. I feel it. I'm going back to the hole I've tried so hard to get myself out of.

No. I can't stay here.

I get up from the couch and grab my keys and jacket before heading out the door. I don't even bother waiting for the elevator, I just head directly towards the stairs.

I ran down the flight of stairs, almost tripping in the process but I don't stop neither do I slow down.

I have to go out of here. I need to get some air.

I sprint across the lobby and head out my apartment buildings and ran to where I always do when I need to clear my head. The same place that I've always been coming to almost every night since I moved here.

Tears blur my vision but I don't slow down. He's gone. Memories of him flood my brain. I remember the first day he came to stay with us, how shy he was. I remember him falling down from the double decker bed and I laughed at him while he felt so bad. I remember him teaching me how to play soccer. I remember how I didn't go to visit him at the hospital despite promising him that I would because of an errand I could have easily cancelled. I remember receiving the phone from my mom that he is gone. I remember seeing his body in a casket when my family and I went to take him from the morgue. I remember giving a speech at his funeral while strongly fighting tears. I remember his casket being slowly lowered to the grave. I remember placing a white rose on his grave after they had finished placing soil over his casket. I remember Noah

I'm out of breath. I try to inhale in air but somehow I can't. I'm still running, I don't want to stop nor do I want to slow down, but my lungs feel constricted. I have no choice but to come to a halt. I try to catch my breath but can't, my vision is still blurry and I blink away the tears so as to have a clear sight but everything still seems blurry. I try to take in some air but I still can't, it's as if something is obstructing the air pathway of my body. My legs feel wobbly and I can't stand up straight. I try to take a step towards the sideway but I fall to my knees. I look around to see if I can ask for help but there's no one nearby. The closest people I can make out are at a distance staring at the lake. I tried calling out for help but I can't seem to project my voice.

I attempt to crawl towards the grass as the tiny rocks of the gravel are piercing into my skin, hurting me, but my arms are also wobbly and I fall face flat to the ground. I attempt to take a breath again but I can't.

"Someone....plea....please.....help me." I cry, but it comes out weakly that I hardly even hear myself.

"I can't breath. I can't breath." I slowly say to myself.

My head becomes light, and everything around me starts spinning. I try dragging myself towards the grass area but I don't have an ounce of energy in my body.

"Alina!" I hear someone calling my name but it's so faint that it feels like I'm imagining.

"Hey, are you okay?" The same voice asks as footsteps approach me. I think I know that voice. No no no, he can't see me like this, no one can see me like this, at least not someone that I know.

"Hey Alina. What happened? What's wrong?" The person asks me as he holds me off the ground.

"I.....I can't.....I can't breathe."

"I'm going to need you to take deep breaths with me, okay. Just follow my lead. One, take a deep breath with me."

I try to do as he says but I can't. I inhale but no air seems to get inside my body.

"I.....I can't." I said shaking my head.

"Yes you can. Just follow my lead. One, just breathe in slowly with me.

I still can't. I try telling him that I can't but no words seem to leave my mouth.

"Hey, hey, hey....Alina......"

His words faded away. The edges of my vision collapsed inward, black shadows take over my vision, a heavy weight pressed down on me. I tried reaching for his shirt, but my body betrayed me, my fingers slipped through the air as if gravity wanted me all to himself.

And then darkness engulfed me.