One Step at a Time

Lately I have been feeling like I'm trapped in my own head, lost in the madness. Everything seems like it is falling apart, like nothing is making sense in this new world that I have dropped into unprepared. I glance around and in every direction all I can see is skyscraper after skyscraper, and people crowding the streets and sidewalks. I am suffocating in this new environment and take a moment to breathe, then rush into a nearby building to escape the chaos. When I walk in I am taken aback by the enormous chandelier in the middle of the room. It is dripping with crystals, shimmering from the dim light of the gold sconces on the walls. 

I am drawn to move deeper into this elaborate foyer. This place feels deserted except for the lonely receptionist behind the desk, lost in his National Geographic magazines that coat the entire desk, some spilling to the floor. I move by him, unnoticed as he continues flipping the pages. I see an open hallway that looks like it will go on forever, ending in complete darkness and I begin to travel inside.

As I make my way down the hallway, I can’t stop yearning for the rural life I came from, and the thought of being in this city for one second longer makes me sick to my stomach. As I continue down the hallway, images of my brother play through my head as my hands begin to form angry fists. I still can’t comprehend why he did this to me, all I have ever done is love him and he sends me away, unwilling to admit he is in the wrong. As I'm lost in my head being beaten by my brother once more, a head pops out of a door light flowing out from the inside. 

He signals for me to come over so I slowly and unsurely make my way to the room. I realize as I look around that this must be a hotel from the rows and rows of doors all with different numbers on a gold plaque in the middle. As I approach the door he starts to talk at a rapid pace, I can only catch every other word, “I need another… quick… know… I’m so sorry…. Should have…. Come” Once he finishes his rant I politely tell him to slow down and to repeat himself. He takes a beat to ready himself and then begins to repeat his rant, “I need another towel as quick as possible please. I know I should have double checked that I had a towel and all that but I was in a rush, I have a date in an hour. I’m so sorry. She’s gonna come here in less than an hour and I’m nowhere close to ready, could you bring me another towel please?”’

As I glance down at his half covered body it dawns on me, he is barely covered, wrapped in a tiny hand towel. I immediately dart my eyes back to his face and tell him, “I’m so sorry but I don’t work here. I really wish I could help but…” As I speak I see his face change from hope to devastation. This emotion of complete helplessness  pouring from his face  makes me feel terrible so I agree to help him. His whole body relaxes with relief as I rush away to find the receptionist. 

I enter the foyer again, it feels even bigger than before, like I'm an ant in a castle. The desk is now abandoned, only the magazines in sight. As I turn around the room looking for someone to help me, I see a slightly open door on the far side of the room and go to peer inside. My hand meets the crystal  handle and pulls the door open, suddenly someone inside jerks around to see me. 

“You're not supposed to be here, are you staying here?” I study the guy, relieved to have found the receptionist,  I ask him,, “Sorry to barge in on you, I desperately need a towel.” He looks at me like I'm just an annoyance and mutters, “Room number?” I try to picture the door to his room but images of every door flash in my head, they all look so alike. I pray to god this is the right one as I tell him, “128.” He reluctantly gets up muttering something under his breath as he leaves the room.

Feeling successful I leave the gorgeous hotel back to the overcrowded streets of the city. The smell washes over me and I have to take a step back. Just as I step back I see a striking woman parade toward the hotel, glowing of beauty from head to toe. Her long blonde hair finishes just at her waist where you can begin to see her stunning red designer skirt that meets her cream colored sweater, the skirt flowing in the wind as she walks. 

I don’t know how I know but when I see her strutting across the road to the hotel I know she is here for him, for their date. He must’ve just got his towel, he must be nowhere close to ready. I don’t know why I have taken so much time to help him, a stranger before helping myself but once again here I am. Without even thinking I jump in front of her and she jumps back, tripping on a sidewalk crack and lands straight on her butt.

Everyone around us stops and stares. I help her up and apologize but all I can see radiating from her is pure fury so I make sure to keep my distance. She stares me right in the eye as she tells me off, “Who do you think you are to be so rude as to get in my way! I was clearly going straight and you cut me off!” As she speaks she glares at me with such rage, I fear her stares could kill.

I loathe this woman so much it rattles my bones and my teeth clench together as I politely talk to her, “I know I'm so sorry. I must be really clumsy. My name is Raylee. So, what’s your name?” It pains me to be so polite to such a woman but my empathy for the towel man is overpowering all my other emotions so I try to distract her. She rolls her eyes at me before she speaks, “My name is Alice. Now can you please step aside and let me in, I have a date and he should already be here.” She confirmed my suspicions about the towel man and her so I don’t step aside and I continue to blab on to her.

After we discuss her outfit, where she gets her hair done, and I apologize again, the towel man flings the door open to the hotel, still knotting his tie as he walks. When he looks up to see Alice and I he tenses but then puts a smile on his face and walks over to meet us. The wind is blowing the man's hair back as he tries to comb it with his hand. When he reaches us he pauses to talk to Alice, “Hey baby, sorry I’m late although it seems you have met a new friend.” He glances at me as though to thank me, and for some reason I get butterflies in my stomach. “It’s fine Adrian,  but we have to go or our reservation will be canceled”, Alice responds.

Alice and Adrian walk off together to their fancy car parked under the red maple trees, the leaves turning the colors of fall.  I’m about to step away when I see Adrian glance over his shoulder and wink at me. I feel such strange emotions overcome me that I have never felt before, who is this man to make me feel this?

I pull my phone out of my back pocket and check the time, 5:34. I decide to get dinner, perhaps sushi. I try to open the maps app on my phone but it just keeps on loading  so I hold it up to the sky, trying to get better reception but I am blinded by the sun so I pull my phone back down. By now it’s loaded in, and I see myself as a little dot in the middle of the streets of New York City. I type sushi in the bar and find the nearest one to walk to. I clearly underestimated how long this walk would be after 30 minutes of walking from one sidewalk to another, my ears getting colder with every second and peoples shoulders bumping into mine every few steps.

I finally turn the corner and pull open the glass door to the restaurant. As I step inside the smell of seafood washes over me as my stomach begins to grumble. A woman with her silky black hair tied up with chopsticks is waiting for me near the glowing fish tank that lines one of the walls. I make my way over to her and she smiles as she leads me to a beautiful table on the far side of the room.

Once I have sat down I peer at the menu looking for my childhood favorite, California rolls. My eyes lay across them as my brain replays a memory I thought I had buried deep within me. 

I sit in a plush booth, sinking into the leather as I stare at my brother in his deep brown eyes, filled with rage. I feel all my muscles tense and I slunch over, trying to hide from his gaze as he screams at me, “You are such a waste! What a piece of trash! I’m not paying for your food. You can wait here and tell the owner you can’t pay and see how well that goes for you!” I watch as my brother leaves the restaurant leaving a trail of hate  and I feel thick wet tears start to drip down my cheeks, some landing in my mouth as the saltiness rushes through. I look down at my half eaten California sushi rolls and then my eyes flicker back to reality, to the menu as I slam it shut refusing to relive that again. 

The waitress comes to my table and begins to speak but I'm so lost in my own little world I can’t concentrate on her question. “I’m so sorry, could you repeat yourself?” The waitress begins to speak again as I feel a pang of guilt for being so rude, “Would you like anything to drink or any appetizers?” I take a moment to run the question through my head before realizing that the crude memory of my brother has erased my hunger. “Just water for now please”, I reply. The waitress nods, walking back to the kitchen.

As I drink my water I begin to hear very loud angry voices that capture my attention so I peek over the seat to the table next to mine, only to see Adrian and Alice, both faces filled with anger. I immediately hunch back into my seat so they can’t see me right as I see Alice stomp out of the restaurant, her gold heels clicking with each step as she walks away. 

I look back over to see Adrian crying and looking so heartbroken I feel a need to comfort him, this stranger. I slowly step out of my seat, unsure if I should be doing this and make my way to his table. Just before I reach him, I put a very empathetic smile on my face and say, “Hey Adrian, I saw Alice leave, is everything all right?” He looks at me with his bright blue eyes as he tells me, “No, we got into a huge fight over sauces and she broke up with me! She seemed so eager to, like she was waiting for the perfect excuse to end things. Was I not good enough for her?” I sit down across from him as he puts his head back down and I put my hand over his. “No, I’m sure you were perfect. She doesn't know what she’s missing out on.” His eyes meet mine again and his mouth forms a small smile..

We talk for hours and we never run out of things to say, I feel like I've known him for forever. Eventually the restaurant closes and we get kicked out to the horrific streets of the city. Adrian looks at me with such warmth as he asks, “So um do you want to go to the fall fair with me tomorrow? I hear they have really good churros.” I immediately agree. We say goodbye and I leave with such a warm feeling it overtakes me and I forget all about my brother. I call a taxi and take a short ride to a small motel on a dark, lonely street. I enter the front office and pay for my room with what little money I have. The host leads me to a small room on the second floor and opens the bright green door for me. As I step inside I don’t have quite the same feeling as I did in Adrian’s hotel but it still feels cozy.

After I snuggle in bed, the warmth radiating into me slowly pulls me into a deep dream: 

Before I know where I am the feelings of anger and confusion fill me and I cringe of this shock of emotions. Slowly, the world around me begins to form and I see my brother and my little blue house surrounded by trees at the beginning of the woods. Suddenly it is like my body is pulled inside, where I am cowering under my brother once again. Right away I know what’s going to happen but I can’t stop it. A memory that keeps coming back to haunt me. 

“Who do you think you are!?”, my brother asks me as he slaps me across the face with all his strength. I fall to the floor and immediately regret it because it makes me seem even weaker so he smirks and grabs my head with his hand and smashes it against the wall. Everything goes black as I feel a sharp pang in my head. 

The next thing I know I wake up on a pile of trash in the middle of the city, where my brother has abandoned me. I jump awake back in my bed, shuddering at my horrifying dream. I sit up and make my way to the bathroom where I use the motel  toiletry kit to brush my hair and teeth.

 After I look presentable I call another taxi to head to the fall fair. When I arrive I wait for Adrian at the entrance. I sit on this beautiful bright orange pumpkin sitting on the long green grass, till I see Adrian’s car drive up the road to the fair. When he steps out of his car I feel my heart flutter at how handsome he is in his brown and blue flannel t-shirt matched with dark blue jeans. I look like a hobo in my t-shirt and athletic shorts. 

He walks along the long brown dirt path to the entrance with his teeth gleaming as he smiles at me. Before he even reaches me he begins to talk, “Hey Raylee! I’m so glad you're here, we should start with the drop tower. It’s my favorite!” As he finishes speaking we link arms and enter the fair, the sound of goats echoing through the fair grounds. I respond to him, “The drop tower is my favorite too! Let's get in line.”

He leads me through the crowd, leaves crunching under our feet, and we get in line.. When we get on the drop tower we sit next to each other and the ride rises.I look over at him with fear in my eyes and he slides his hand into mine, the warmth of his hand feels like home. As the ride drops we burst out into screams and start laughing.

“Did you have fun?”Adrian asks. I look at him with wide eyes, “That was amazing! I’m starving though.” He takes me to the other side of the fair to a small food stand. The sign reads, “Churros” and it feels as if my stomach smiles at the smell. Adrian orders us two churros and we find somewhere to sit in a small field. The wood makes little splinters in my legs so Adrian gives me his  sweatshirt to sit on, just like in the movies. 

“So how is it?”Adrian asks me. “It is fantastic," I reply as I take a bite into the gooey fried dough. The cinnamon and sugar swirl in my mouth filling it with delicious flavor. “So where are you from?”, he asks. His question surprises me but I feel so open around him that I tell him everything, “I live in Mississippi. My parents died when we were young so it was just me and my brother but he took all his anger out on me and was really abusive.”

 Thick tears drip down my cheek once more as Adrian replies, “Don’t let your past keep you from having the future you deserve.” His words hit me really hard and I start to think back to my childhood and realize this shouldn't be what holds me back. All these memories of pain and abuse are only going to hurt me further. Slowly I feel my past leave me like a river, forgiving my brother as it goes. Such relief washes over me and suddenly I feel whole again. Who knew in the place I hated the most I would find the biggest treasure in life, happiness.