L'Appel du Vide

One of the most stunning features of the exposed rock of The Grand Canyon are all of the colorful layers of millions upon millions of years of sediment. The reds and ochers, golds and tans show their colors brilliantly, illuminated by the sun which shines freely, unimbedded by clouds. But as Nina gazes on, she can't stop the tears. The scenery in front of her vanishes, blurred and then lost to the despair that fills her heart like the tears fill her eyes.

***

Out of all the times to up and take a trip, Nina has to concede to herself that she doesn’t have the best timing. In fact, if one were to ask her what she thought about being in Arizona right on the heels of such a devastating betrayal and subsequent breakup, she would have happily told them to fuck right off.

It wasn’t like she’d planned this. Well, if the notion was quite literal, yes she did technically plan this trip. However, it was supposed to be a trip for two. Two people in love and expecting a baby together, a little boy who is due in five months. A babymoon, of sorts.

And yet, three days after Nina walked in on her husband of four years enthusiastically jackhammering into his secretary on his desk, she was pulling into the Grand Canyon Village alone. Because the unmitigated asshole committed the most cliched affair in history, and she had the privilege of finding out by surprising him with dinner. He’d been working late, and she was worried he wouldn’t make it a point to eat. The joke was on her since he was definitely making a point to do something else. Rather, someone else.

Surprise, indeed.

Sighing to herself, Nina pulls up to the main lodge, and gets out of the car. It’s late March, and while she was expecting 60s and 70s, she is immediately shocked at the cold air. It must be in the forties, she thinks to herself, wrapping her arms around her torso for heat. She stomps up to the doors, shaking her head at the dirty patches of snow on the ground.

Figures that she wouldn’t pack right for this farce of a vacation.

“Welcome to the Maswik Lodge!”

Nina is startled out of her inner musing at the announcement, and she realizes that she’s next in line to check in.

“Hi there,” she starts. “Nina Rowley checking.” The clerk types a bit in his computer and asks for her ID and a credit card. She pulls out her Florida driver’s license and hands it over. “Thank you Mrs. Rowley. Will you be wanting two room keys?”

A pang shoots through her, unbidden. She is no longer one of two. She is single. One. Alone. “Just the one, please.”

She drives to her small lodge building, the Cottonwood sign barely visible through the evergreen trees that surround the sides and back of the structure. It’s a modest resort, comprised of stone accents and brown painted wood, valued more for its close proximity to the south rim than it’s amenities and ambiance.

Nina huffs as she drags her bags out of the trunk of her rental, before standing to rub at her sore lower back. She’s only just started showing, but after spending five hours in a plane followed by almost four hours driving to the resort, she’s exhausted and sore. It’s almost 10 o’clock at night and downright cold.

She’s ready for bed.

The next morning, Nina bundles up with thick leggings, a long sleeved shirt, two cardigans, layered for warmth, and a scarf that she must have thrown into her suitcase without thinking. She’s thankful for the warmth around her exposed neck, as she gets out of the rental in the parking lot of the South Kaibab trail and wraps the scarf around her throat. All around her are families with children playfully shouting to each other, couples holding hands as the walk to the scenic overview, multiple generations of people from all walks of life. She stands out, if only to herself, as the only solo traveler.

As she makes her way to the railed off viewing points, her breathing picks up. The closer she gets to the edge of the canyon, the more wonder grows in her heart. Never before has Nina seen such vastness or such beauty. The cliff walls give way to jagged canyons and valleys, marked with streams and riverbeds so far in the depths of the distance that she has to squint her eyes to make them out. There are piles of snow, thousands of evergreen trees dotting the rock and ground below, and the sense that she is just a speck in the universe.

It was indeed grand, though Nina could think of a hundred other synonyms to describe the awe inspiring sight. Finally tearing her eyes from the view, she makes her way to the left, slowly strolling along the pathway and stopping frequently to peer into the void as she comes to clearing after clearing. The sight is so inspiring that she begins to lose the weight of loneliness that has clung to her since that dark night in Jake’s office.

Invigorated by the fresh, crisp air, Nina loses track of time, ambling along the trail, lost to the grandeur, and for once forgetting to think about anything at all. This is why she’s caught off guard as she comes to a stop in front stone building. She’s quite lost track of things, and it seems that the trail has ended.

The sign on top of the door states Yavapai Geology Museum, which she reads as she makes her way inside, and immediately sheds her scarf and one of her cardigans. The building is larger than it appears from the outside, and there are people lolling about, looking at the displays of the canyon or racks of goods to purchase. The back wall is a large observation window facing the canyon, and Nina walks over to take in yet another unique viewpoint.

The view holds her gaze captive, and it isn’t until she breaks away that she begins to notice her surroundings. Once again, she looks on as families shop together. An elderly couple talks with a young family about the displays showing off replicas of fossils found on the floor of the ancient seabed. A young man kisses his partner, and she fills with sorrow at the sheer love the men give each other with their eyes.

Will she know love again? Will she trust it? How could she?

Nina doesn’t have the answers. They’re definitely not here, surrounded by happy people who are unburdened by her pain.

She walks outside and wanders over to a large rock that is free from the iron railings that dot along the trail, and awkwardly climbs up to sit. She’s chosen this spot because it’s slightly off trail, behind some fir trees, and she can brood in silence and once again let her thoughts consume her. Jake and his secretary are probably wrapped in each other’s arms right at this moment, their thoughts only on each other, not a one to spare for her or what they did to her.

Does he care that he broke her heart? Does he worry about her and the baby? That horrid night when he followed her back to their home, the things he said.

“I’m sorry about Alicia, okay Nina? I’m fucking sorry, but my God. You’ve got me in a no win situation here! I told you I wanted to wait to have a baby, and I gave in to you after years of nagging me! I’m a man, but I let myself get locked down by you, and now that we have the kid on the way, it felt like I’d never be free again. Can you understand that?”

She’d looked at him in horror, tears streaming down her face, one hand over her mouth and one on her belly, cradling her small baby. Trapped, he’d said. He wanted to feel like a man, he added.

So, she sat there on her rock, stewing away, and she found herself becoming desensitized to the once awe inspiring wonder of the world, with every torturous memory that assaulted her. And it was because of this that she was quite startled when a fit young man crashed through the branches behind her.

"Oh!" she blurted out, sitting up straighter in alarm. The stranger widened his light blue eyes at seeing her. He was handsome in a rugged, lifelong adventurer sort of way, with dark brown hair and tanned sun kissed skin. “Sorry about that, I tripped over a root just then.” His Boston accent was slight and nostalgic, making her think of New England autumns.

Nina gave him a weak smile. “It’s alright. You startled me out of a fairly bleak train of thought. It’s just as well.” He cocks his head to the side. “Are you out here to get a moment alone? I can leave you in peace, if so.” She considers this but realizes that it’s the first time she’s had any sort of conversation with anyone since that night with her husband. Ex-husband.

“Not at all. I’ve spent the past few days alone,” she adds. “You’re free to share my boulder if you like.”

He smiles and her and hops up to where she’s perched, demonstrating an alarming, if not impressive, feat of athleticism. “I’m Henry,” he offers as he moves to sit. “Hello Henry, I’m Nina.”

They smile at each other. “Well Nina, thanks for sharing your boulder with me. Nice to meet you. Are you here with family or friends?” She offers another sad smile. “Nope. Just me and the bun,” she says, patting her baby bump.”

He looks at her quizzically. “Are you local?” She knows that he must be confused. It can’t be common for women to travel alone to see such sights. Deciding on honesty, she offers “No. I flew here from Florida yesterday by myself. It was supposed to be a babymoon with my husband, but he had other ideas.”

“Other ideas as in he’s flying in later?”

“Other ideas as to who he’s rather spend his time with. It turns out that his secretary has had his attention, and his body, for quite some time. So, I left him and came on this bucket list trip. Next up is Sedona.” She turns her gaze back to the canyon floor once more, adding disdainfully, “I can hardly wait.”

Henry grimaces in sympathy. “I’m sorry to hear that. Men are scum. Just ask one,” he tries to joke, and she huffs a half-hearted laugh. “And Sedona, is….wow. It’s hard to describe. One of the most awe inspiring places in America if you ask me.”

“Well, I can’t promise that I’ll appreciate it to full capacity. I was enjoying myself today, but everywhere I look are constant reminders that I’m alone.” Realizing how pathetic she sounds, she backtracks. “It’s beautiful, really, I can see that. And for a while it was working it’s magic on me. But I don’t know. Maybe everything is too fresh, and it was foolish to come on this trip. I don’t know what it is that I’m looking for.”

“Do you have to be here to find something new?” Henry asks, turning towards her more, and she finds herself doing the same. “There is this French phrase that I learned once when I went searching for answers. I would get this feeling when standing at the edge from great heights, something I do frequently when hiking through America. The thoughts would surface in my mind, what if I just…jumped?” Nina blinks at him in surprise.

“And then I felt dirty and morbid and weirded out. I don’t want to die, so why do these thoughts come to me right as I near the edge? L’appel du vide, it’s called. The call of the void. That little voice in your mind that wonders, just for a split second, what falling into oblivion would be like. When really, it’s your mind’s way of reminding you that hey, you didn’t jump. You’re alive and well, and you’re on the edge of something beautiful, and isn’t that a gift?” 

Nina is vaguely aware that tears are building in her eyes, and she’s struck mute for a moment. This young man must be a decade younger than her, and so wise. This feeling of warmth that has overcome her isn’t necessarily of attraction, but one of gratitude. She’s been dwelling on this awful, hurtful thing, when really, the world is hers for the taking. She’s not tied to a man who doesn’t want her. She’s free from him. Free to live her life and do as she pleases.

No longer will she have to settle for what Jake wants to do, what movies he wants to watch or places he wants to eat, concerned with his own wants and whims, and hopes to be seen in the best of venues by the types of people he strives to impress. She’s free from a man who saw her as an anchor, not one that holds him safely in love, but of one that tethers him to the bottom of the ocean floor and leaves him to rot. This was the way he’d made her feel. And really, with his selfish actions, he freed them both.

What good is she doing by dwelling on someone who makes her sick, when she at the edges of the depths of one of the wonders of the world. This is her time.

“Thank you,” she rasps out, letting a tear fall. “You’ve no idea what that just meant to me.”

“Just helping out a fellow adventurer,” he answers, giving her a little nudge with his shoulder. She gives him a real smile, and they part as friends, content to leave their encounter to exist on that boulder at the edge of the world.

Nina visits Sedona next, allowing herself to be dazzled by the sheer beauty as she drives the winding road into the town center. Never before has she been on such a stunning road trip. She takes her time visiting the sites and shops that week in downtown Sedona, chatting with locals and tourists alike, buying things on a whim as it pleases her. Crystals and gemstones, Navajo art and pottery, woven blankets, bison jerky, things to decorate her new home and remind her of her adventures in Arizona, and the gift that Henry gave with her.

She thinks of him fondly, grateful for the few moments spent enlightening her. Without his words, she doubts that she’d believe in turning this ending into a wonderful new beginning. She’s even able to move from Florida, something she’s wanted since Jake was transferred to his firm’s Orlando branch from Maine.

At the end of her trip, she glances down at her ID as the TSA agent hands it back, signaling her to take her place in the line for security. Nina Rowley, she thinks, turning the name over in her mind. Suddenly she smiles, knowing just what to do when she arrives home.

Changing her name back to Nina Anderson will be the start of her fresh beginning.

It has quite the ring to it. And then, she will consult a map. After all, she has a baby on the way, and many adventures to plan for the two of them.