The Shadows in 4A

When Sam moved into apartment 4A, he was hoping for a fresh start. He was hoping to leave his past behind him and really start to live – not just exist. The west facing windows allowed him a front row seat to some of the most beautiful sunsets he had ever seen. They were almost as beautiful as the ones he witnessed while overseas. Overseas for his deployment - in which case the sunsets were the only magic around. It was never his aspiration to join the military, but it was in his blood. He didn’t want to be the one to snuff out the torch that had been handed down through many generations. Even his younger brothers enlisted – straining the close bond the 3 of them once shared. It’s hard to maintain connections when you’re forever being separated. Unfortunately Sam would come to find it’s even harder to maintain when 3 brothers become 2.

Just as the darkness creeps in after the sun’s magic fades, Sam quickly realized that his demons would eventually creep back into his life. It started with a few sleepless nights here and there. Then came the fast and hard-hitting anger without any triggers. Some days he could barely keep his eyes and brain focused on anything at all. Before he knew it, he was housing flashbacks, anxiety attacks and uncontrollable outbursts of crying. He hated the crying the most – he felt weak and totally out of control. The crying would take over his body; an all-consuming guttural cry that produced noises he was surprised he could make. Sam understood this was the reason that 4B filed a noise complaint and he respected that. But having to explain his pain to the police officer that appeared at his door; only made Sam feel even more pathetic.

The walls in the apartment complex were very thin with no sound proofing. Some nights the chaotic buzz of city sounds and neighboring units was almost comforting. It gave Sam a peaceful feeling that he was not alone. It gave Sam the ability to focus on something other than the shadows that followed him. It gave Sam a break from the guilt. The guilt of murdering his brother. 

****2 YEARS AGO****

Sam received word from home that his mother was quite ill and deteriorating quickly. She had been sick for many years, but the treatment was no longer working. Heartbroken and utterly exhausted, he was looking forward to a brief medical leave. He wondered if both of his brothers would be granted a leave as well. After many years without steady contact, he had no idea where his brothers were stationed or if they were even still active. The youngest of all 3 brothers was a bit of a wild card and sometimes wanted to be free from duty. He loathed his superiors and dreamed of revenge against their orders. Sam liked to think that the military would help mature his little brother, but he really didn’t know much about him anymore. As he was packing up some of his things and daydreaming about the boys’ reunion, he heard an all too familiar sound – gunfire.

It all happened so fast. There were screams and flying bullets and absolute madness surrounding him and his men. An ambush. It was dark, it was loud, and it was fast. Then just like that, it was over. A deafening silence took over as everyone’s thoughts caught up to their actions. 

As the men slowly started to emerge from what little cover they found, they began to assess the area. Their next move was to secure their location and tend to any injuries. As Sam walked about, he kept his gun at the ready in case there was a second happening. He approached the fallen men sprawled out on the cold hard ground. He kept his mind locked up tight as he identified the ones belonging to his side.

As he neared one of the casualties his very gun had caused, he felt something in his gut. It was a dark night and even though there was a chill in the air– his blood ran even colder. A man lay slouched over, face resting in the dirt. He kicked the lifeless body and there was nothing. No response, no reaction, no movement. He kept his gun pointed at the man’s head and slowly rolled him over with his boot. As Sam waited for the fallen man’s face to be revealed, he felt sick. He rolled him over and found his youngest brother laying there. The same brother who used to wake everyone up at ungodly hours on Christmas morning. The same brother who once stole Sam’s Walkman and left it in a park. The same brother who was on his way home to love and support their sick dying mother.

****CURRENT DAY****

The nights were the toughest. The darkness, the silence, the shadows – they only fueled Sam’s hurt. He tried to work through it. He tried it all; therapy, meditation, hypnosis, pills, alcohol. Sometimes it helped. Mostly he just spent his nights staring at the ceiling and praying that his blankets would swallow him and remove him from this existence. 

His family really didn’t know how to cope with all the sorrow they experienced. They wanted to be strong and be there for each other – and for Sam. But it was far too much for each of them to process. The anger they felt in losing not only a mother, but the youngest member of their clan, was slowly over time being aimed directly at Sam. Even though it hurt, he understood their actions. He knew that he didn’t cause his mother’s illness, but he knew that he took away any possibility of healing from her passing. The grief was too vast now.

While watching a lit cigarette burn away into nothingness, he envied how easy it was for the smoke to just disappear. Like it never even existed. He wanted to disappear. He couldn’t keep on keeping on anymore. He was a shell of a being and there was no life left inside. There was only loneliness. There was only absence.

There was no contact with any of the family anymore. He tried – they tried. The pain was too heavy and always found a way to bleed into their conversations. Their words only ever turned dark. Eventually they stopped using words and just spat venom at one another. Eventually they just stopped calling.

From time to time he would see their lives on social media. His remaining brother had married and welcomed a little girl into the world. His father was keeping busy by pouring his time and energy into his love of fishing. They were surviving. They were strangers. He didn’t belong to them anymore. He didn’t want to belong. He just wanted his mind to be silent and his heart to be numb.

After watching another sinking sun dip and kiss the skyline, Sam walked into his room and sat on the edge of his bed. He stared straight ahead at nothing until his eyes focused on the drawer of his wooden nightstand. Tears rolled down his cheeks and a lump gathered in his throat. He knew what he had to do.

As he grabbed his pistol, a wave of calm rushed over him. He sighed and almost smiled as he thought to himself ‘this is it – this is my release’. 

Maybe he didn’t want to die but he absolutely knew he could not live in the shadows any longer. These wounds were too deep to heal.

Across the distance all that was heard was a single gunshot. But it was much more than that. It was the sound of a brother’s undying love.