Silk of the Sea

I woke up to a breeze enveloping my body. Cold. Cold was all I felt at first. Then, sand. I was lying down on a beach, face half buried in the sand. My hair was covering my face or most of it, and I could not see the surroundings well. But through it I could see the sun, too shy to warm me up under the breeze brushing my freezing skin.

Song of the waves. A shadow passing me. Was it a seagull flying above? 

From the clouds, a voice.

‘Miss, are you alright? Miss? Miss, are you alright!?’ 

The voice sounded friendly. Innocent, even. Something touched my skin. A blanket? It felt warm, and cut the breeze off on the parts of my body it covered. Good. This felt... good. 

Slowly, my thoughts collected. Pieces. Only pieces. Sand -a beach. Seagulls, yes, seagulls crying above in the sky. Cold; but sunny. Waves. Sand. Hair. Blanket. Cold, still. Something brushing me. What was that? It licked my face, and I realised: Dog. This is a dog. The voice called: ‘Seasalt stop! Stop, that’s enough boy. That’s ok. Let her breathe.’

Breathe. Was I breathing? I could not remember how to. I had never been so cold. All I wanted was to close my eyes and rest. Rest in a warm, wet and cosy place. Brushed by the breeze, but no cold; brushed by the sun, but no burn. Perfect balance. 

A few moments later, I was woken-up by a bitter substance someone had managed to slip into my mouth. Never tasted such a nasty thing before. This woke me up and had me throw up all at once. I guessed their remedy worked. When I looked up, I saw the dog -Seasalt? Happy face, wet nose and long tongue. I saw the voice. The voice belonged to a young man, almond eyes, innocent and concerned look. He looked stunned as our eyes met. To his right, an elderly lady. His granny? She tightened up the blanket around me, and roughly rushed me: ‘We have to move. Can’t stay here any longer. C'mon girl, stand up, walk with us. We’ll fix ya.’ As she talked, she pulled me up with the help of the young man. 

‘Sam, hold her will ya? Be her legs. I don’t know how you came here, young lady, but I know stories, legends talking about cases like that. Did you have any belongings?’

'Belonging…' I managed to say in a weak, broken voice. 'N -no. I… I don’t know.'

'Ah, that’s alright. We’ll talk later. Keep your strength, and keep up. We’re nearly there.’ 

As she said that, she pointed to a little white cottage on top of the cliff. Smoke escaping from the chimney, softly dancing in the air. A thatch roof, vivid red windows. The sun was hitting the cottage, which was detaching from a dark blue, stormy sky. ‘How pretty,' I thought to myself, too weak to speak it up.

After a week, I had fully recovered. I had slept like a hibernating log, for days at once, waking up only to drink broth or eat small bits of fish. All along in a mental fog. Marguerite helped me with homemade herbal remedies. I became stronger, healthy as if nothing happened. I was helping Sam and Marguerite in and around the house and the farm. Seasalt followed me like my shadow. Life was simple, and gentle. I felt I could stay here forever -though I didn’t know where I came from. 

Many times, Marguerite had tried to speak the truth out of me. Help me remember. But every attempt ended-up with the same result: nothing. I could not remember a thing. My memories all started when I woke-up on the beach, freezing and with nothing but my skin.

For a while, it all went on the same. Life, rest, no memories. Life, rest, no memories. Sam was probably the most cheerful human that could exist. I loved him without holding anything back. He was a ball of innocence and freshness. A bit younger than me, maybe. Although I didn't know how old I was. Marguerite told me he was genetically different from us, which caused his eyes to be almond-shaped, and which was the reason why his soul remained somehow like one of a child. ‘How lovely,' I thought. ‘To be such a wonderful being.’ 

I admired Sam, and in return he seemed fascinated by me. He told me stories Marguerite shared with him when he was younger. Stories from abroad, from unknown worlds far beyond the sea; stories of magic within the island, fairies within the sea… Everything had an explanation. ‘Even me?’ I asked him some day, as he was narrating sea folklore to me. He looked me in the eyes a bit too long, before changing the subject. I was puzzled. I didn’t know what that meant; this silence, this gaze. I could not tell if he felt sad for me, or if he knew something. 

I brushed past it, and days and night went as they always did. In the peaceful, grounded daily life. Sam and I spent all our free time together with Seasalt -whom I could not get rid of. My body felt strong. And my heart felt light and happy. At times, the question of my past did not bother me so much anymore. 

But progressively, something shifted in me. On a gentle day lit up by the spring sun, I went down to the beach with Sam and Seasalt, to look for crabs and clams. As we foraged, Seasalt ran away, and barked at something. Sam and I stopped our task and headed to where the dog was. As we approached, we saw a big, dark shape on the beach. A seal. A seal was there, resting peacefully. Seasalt was playful, he was calling at the seal; but when Sam and I arrived, the animal rushed back to the safety of the waves. Inside me, something pinched my stomach so strongly that it hurt. A weight on my chest. Claws tightening around my heart. Wind in my ear, water in my lungs. The clouds fell upon me and the beach raised in the air. What was happening? 

After that, I slept for two days. Sam had carried me back home, all the way up the cliff. How strong was he? When I woke up, I remembered the waves swallowing the seal. Seasalt barking. Sam screaming. The world going up and down, and then: darkness. As I came back to my senses, still lying in bed, Marguerite brought me food and fluids. I sat against the wall, resting my back on the pillow, when Sam timidly came in. The elderly lady placed the tray on the night table, and looked at Sam with insistence. ‘Don’t forget, boy’ she said. ‘Don’t forget what?’ I thought. And as I was trying to understand what was going on, Sam sat by my side on the bed. He brought his hand to his pocket, and pulled something from it. After a few seconds of hesitation, he resigned himself to opening his hand and let me see. 

‘Seasalt found it on the beach, he said. Where the seal was. Where we found you, back then.’

In his hand, the prettiest sea shell I had ever seen. All nacre, perfectly complete, incredible spiral heart in its centre -all so dainty. A thin cord was attached to it, and as Sam pulled the cord up, I saw that the shell was delicately hanging as a pendant. I felt hypnotised. I slowly approached my hands, and gently grabbed it. Suddenly, confused pictures, sensations, smells, wet and happy feelings, all together came overwhelming to my mind. I felt a memory of freedom, and balance. A wave of fragments from a past life brushed past me. I could not make sense of it, but I knew I had lost something. Something I deeply cared about.

Life went on as it always did. I carried the shell around my neck at all times. Shadow-Seasalt kept me company all the same. Sam, as wonderful as he had always been, seemed to carry himself a shadow in his mind. I would catch him looking at me at times, when he thought I would not see. When I was looking at the sea. The horizon. 

More and more, the sea was calling to me. I would daydream with the rolling waves and singing seagulls; dance as the whales sang, laugh with the sea breeze tickling the land. The sea felt like home. It was nurturing us. Feeding, healing, sustaining. I was in love. 

As the days went by, more seals came around. I would see them from the top of the cliff. It seemed like a colony had adopted the beach as their new home. I started to approach them. A little more every day. Always followed by Seasalt, who now behaved as a wise dog. He did not bother the seals anymore; he only sat nearby, content to be there with us. 

On a gentle summer night, I couldn’t sleep. I went down to the beach. The moon enlightened the sea, creating a path of light for me to swim in. I could not resist. Abandoning my nightgown to the beach, I went in. The water was exquisite; the salt, wonderful. The waves, a sensual caresse to my skin. I swam under water, came back to the surface. Soon, a few seals joined me, and we continued our ballet for an hour, maybe two. I did not want this to end. By the time I found the mental strength of exiting the waves to go back to the land, a vanilla sky had started to rise. As I grabbed my gown, I saw Sam watching me from the cliff. I quickly dressed up and hurried back home. We never spoke about it. 

I loved the earthy life with Sam and Marguerite. We were like a family, surrounded by beauty and simplicity. A blessing, really. But I could not remove the sea from my mind. I dreamed so vividly about the deep, fresh underwater, that I started to lose sleep. Soon, the waves called at me every night. Every night, I went in. Every time, seals joined me. I felt a harmony and peace there that I never felt on land. Progressively, I felt disconnected. Internally dislocated. My heart did not smile as before. Sadness was upon me. Melancholy grew and never left me. At my side, Seasalt became silent and quiet -an unusual behaviour for him. The more I tried to fight the calling, the more I felt like madness was reaching to get me. 

On a sad autumn day, as we were sitting by the fireplace, Sam took me out of my daydreaming asking: ‘Sadhbh, why are you crying?’ I turned to him and saw a look of distress on his face. I had not realized that I was crying. Was I turning completely mad? Where was I, a few moments ago? I had no response to give him. From the rocking chair she was sitting in Marguerite eyed us, not discreetly enough to avoid me noticing her. She quickly looked back at her knitting, and said nothing. 

The same week, during a silver moon, Sam caught me as I was about to leave the house. He stopped me. ‘I think I need to show you something,' he told me, looking down. 'Something that might belong to you.’ 

He took me down the other side of the island, where rocks sharp as knives unapologetically pierce the flesh, and where the wind feels as cold and unforgiving as a well sharpened blade. ‘Hostile,' I thought. I followed Sam to the depth of the island, in a cave formed by the continuous licks of the sea on the rocks. I never explored that part before. I had no idea such a cave had formed right there, just under our feet.

Sam lit up a lamp torch, and signed me to follow him inside the cave. A nod in my entrails. Anxiety rising. Where is he taking me? What is this all about? At that instant, I craved more than ever to be in the sea with my little companions. I heard seals, just behind us, further down the rocks, where the sea became smooth again. I turned back to Sam and followed him anyway, willing to clarify that matter and get to the end of the mystery.

The cave was narrow at first, and I struggled being in such a small, suffocating space. But this did not last long, and after a moment, Sam and I came out in a large, glowing cave. The rocks all around were shining like a night sky under the touch of Sam's torch. Water had made a pond in the centre, where those star-like lights reflected. No sound could be heard but drops falling from rocks. 

‘Sam, I said, how long have you known that place?' I asked, amazed and impressed.

'Long enough,' he replied with a bitterness that did not sound like him. 

I felt bad. I was conscious of how my own state had impacted him. Them. The whole family we were forming in a symbiosis.

'Wait here,' Sam said after a minute. 

He pulled an old fashion key from his pocket, placed it safely on a flat enough rock, far from the water, and started to descend into the pond. 

‘Sam!' I cried, worried he would hurt himself or slip further down in the water. 'Don’t-' 

'It’s alright, Sadbhd,' Sam cut me. 'Don’t worry about me.' 

He went to the middle of the pond, water above his waist, and searched for something in the water. He pulled something from the pond, not without effort.

A chest. An old wooden chest, covered by sea weeds and shells. He put the key into the lock, hesitating. 

‘Sam…' I started to call his attention. 'What-’ but he turned the key at once, before I could finish my sentence, forcing me into silence. The chest opened, and from it, Sam delicately grabbed something. Something soft and fluid, like silk. Something silvery, like the moonlight reflecting on the waves. Furry and warm. Something that suddenly, as Sam turned slowly to face me, I recognised -and remembered. ‘Me,' I said in astonishment. ‘This is… me’.

'It is,' Sam said. He was looking down again. Tears were silently rolling on his cheeks. 

'I am so sorry,' he said in a whisper. 'I took this from you when I found you, and I hid it. I loved you, I loved you so much since the moment I found you, I thought if Granny and I made you happy here on the land, maybe you could stay.' 

'Oh Sam… I love you too. I love you tremendously, really. And I wish I could stay here with you. But something stronger than me, bigger than you, me, and Granny together, has been moving me. I have to go, Sammy. Here, it is not my place to stay.' 

I could see the sorrow growing in him, and my heart broke into pieces. Seasalt, who was waiting for us just outside the cave, started whining. I, too, was silently crying now. Slowly, I raised my hands towards Sam, waiting for him to give me the sea silk. He handed it to me, our fingers briefly touching.

As soon as I touched the silky fur, my whole body felt full, and my soul felt complete again. I was floating in the air, dancing under water, hearing birds and whales, babies laughing and women loving; I felt the sun, the moon, and the stars; I felt the whole balance of the Universe. Calmly, I removed my necklace and placed it in Sam’s hand, closing his fingers firmly on it. I hold his hand for moment, in silence. I embraced him, kissed his lips with all my love and the benevolence I could give him. The seals were calling, the waves waiting. Seasalt whined as I petted him on my way out, and for once did not follow me. This was a path only I could take. Alone. 

As I came down to the beach, a breeze welcomed me and the furry sea silk in my hands responded to it. It was soft, warm, and strong. Whispering to my heart, like synchronised heart beats. I turned to give a last look at the cottage, far behind me, before looking back at the sea. Delicately, I put the silk on the sand. I removed all my clothes, and stepped into the fur. 

In the silvery trail of the moon painting with the waves, the ocean swallowed me whole. I wasn’t split anymore; I was Unity. As I came, I went. In a breeze, and with only my skin. But my eyes were big, round and black; my arms were paws and my legs a tail; I could dance with the water to the infinite, light as a feather; I was one and everything.