Antlers

I fear the windows might break. Some trees already did; I saw it on the news. It is the heaviest rainfall the county had seen since the 90s. People were asked to stay indoors. A thunderous clap brings me back to reality. I have made a huge mistake.

„I am sorry, please stay.“ I plead, as I fail to hold back bitter tears.

„I can‘t anymore.“ He has his back turned to me. He carefully packs the leather-bound books he cherishes so much into a cardboard box.

„I want you to stay.“ It takes all my strength to keep composed.

„It doesn‘t matter what you want anymore, pet. Your family-“

„They don‘t know anything, they don‘t know me at all, not like you do.“

„I have never stayed this long with anybody. We have been together for too long.“

Deep down, I know he is right. I have been suppressing the thought for weeks. We had been together for almost a decade, and I knew that if we stayed longer together, I would lose my mind and do something I actually regretted- not some petty theft or defacing abandoned churches like I did when I was a teenager- but something genuinely dark. Something I wouldn‘t be able to come back from. That was why I had sought guidance from..

„I won‘t do it again.“

„You have already done it.“ The frustration in his voice pierces through me.

He closes his box and turns to me. His face softens. „It‘s too late.“

„I don‘t know why. I need you with me.“

„You never needed me, pet.“ He comes over to me, wraps his giant, hairy arms around me. I bury my face in his chest that, like always, smells like amber, damp moss and fresh dirt. „It‘s time for you to live your life.“

I dig in deeper in hopes that we merge into one and that we never have to be apart. Ever.

He lifts my chin, „What are you?“ His big, dark eyes lay on me like a warm security blanket and I feel a little calmer.

I lower my head, in hopes to dodge the question.

„Hey.“ His voice demanding, in a warm, caring way. „What are you?“

The rain outside becomes heavier, the darkness thicker, the wind grows stronger.

I look at our reflection in the living room window. We fit in each others arms like two puzzle pieces. We belong together.

„Unstoppable force.“ I whisper.

„Louder, for the people in the back.“

I crack a smile through the tears. „An unstoppable force.“

„See? You will be fine.“

I breath in his exhale. I want to savour every last bit of him.

„How long do we have?“

He averts his gaze. „The weather will slow them down, but not for long.“

„I will think of something.“

„It‘s no use. I am already promised elsewhere and I mustn‘t let her wait much longer.“ His rough voice always sounded like warm honey to me, even if what he said cut my heart in half.

„You have a new one already?“ I pull out of his grip. I can barely get the words out. The lump in my throat grows.

He reaches for my cheek, but stops before touching it. I can‘t bare feeling the warmth of his skin without feeling his touch. I let my cheek fall into his palm.

„Do you remember when I first came to you?“

„I was so lonely.“

„I rushed to you. Do you remember? You are so special. This new one? On the line for months.“

I crack a smile. „Really?“

„Really.“ He smiles back. „How about this? When I have made myself comfortable, I will introduce you two. Then you have a new friend, and maybe we can catch up from time to time.“

I feel the tears come back, this time from relief. „Really? You would do that for me?“

„I would burn down cities for you." He caresses my face. „This is better for the both of us.“

I wipe my nose with my sleeve „I am scared.“

„It will be over fast once I leave.“

„Will it hurt?“

He pauses, brushes a lock of hair from my face. „Maybe a little bit. You are stronger than you think.“

There is a knock on the door. I freeze. He wipes my tears away. „It‘s time.“ He kisses my forehead.

„No, no, no, no, not yet.“ I grip his hand in mine, but he slips away.

„I will contact you when it‘s safe.“ He walks through the room with his lumbering steps and picks up his box.

When he first moved in, the downstairs neighbour used to come up every other day with complaints, but after seeing who was making the noise, she stopped complaining. He seems to have a strong effect on people. One of my university professors signed into an institution after meeting him. She took her life later on. A shame, I used to like her a lot.

Another set of knocks, more forceful this time. I reach for him, but he backs into a dark corner and becomes one with the shadows. Only the glimmer of his eyes fixating on me stand out of the darkness. „I forgive you, pet.“

I crave for him to stay. „I love you.“ He stays silent. The front door bursts open.

The deacon from my mother‘s church rushes into my apartment, sprinkles water droplets from a small bottle in my direction. Behind him stands a younger man grasping a bible close to his chest, shaking in his boots.

„Leave this vessel, demon.“ The deacon hurls at me.

I had visited him after a particularly difficult night and he had been kind enough to let me into his office, then he got my parents involved. He used to be one of the few people who had shown me kindness when I was younger, even when I acted out.

I can‘t help but pity him. He will never know what true devotion to a deity feels like.

„May the power of Christ-“ He doesn‘t know how silly he looks.

I glance back to the corner expecting a hushed snicker, an agreeing smirk or a supporting glance, but there is only darkness. Before I can catch my breath, the storm dies down. My spirit is alone.

Some of the water gets on my skin, it burns a little.