I love you, I’m sorry

“I love you, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not saying what I should have said three months ago. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I’m a burden. I’m sorry if I took up all of your time. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t escape me. I’m sorry I was afraid of telling you what I should have said before, when I never used to be afraid of telling you anything. There’s so many things I wish I would have done three months ago, because maybe I could have prevented this from happening. My heart aches at the thought of all the memories I have with you. I know you are not gone but seeing you every day knowing that it isn’t the same as it used to be before is like a knife in the heart. I’m sorry I can’t tell you how much I love you with all my heart because I know that you would tell me that you are just a star passing by. You have been and always will be the only person who lights up my eyes and makes me feel at ease. I’m sorry I ruined everything by panicking because I thought I was losing you. I’m sorry for being such a burden to you. The truth is, you are the only person who has ever gotten this close to my heart and I’m sorry I’m very deeply attached to you to the point where if you say “hello” to me in a slightly different tone, I would think that you may be upset with me and I’ll cry my heart out. I can’t bear the thought of completely losing you more than how it feels right now. My heart hurts and my eyes well up, my throat closes and my hands begin to shake when I think of how much I just want everything we had back. Everything hurts, I can’t get up in the morning because I know that I’m losing the only person worth fighting for and giving my everything to. You don’t have a clue about how much you really mean to me. Your hugs make me feel like I never want to let go because of how safe and secure I feel in your arms. Suddenly smelling your perfume in a crowd full of people brings tears to my eyes. I look for you in every face in every corner of every crowd I walk through. I love you more than words can express, more than the amount of stars in this universe. To me, you are the only star that shines bright enough to blind me in a vast universe filled with stars that are rumored to shine brightly. I feel the most unexplainable void that has been created by the absence of our spark. Without you, I am not me, I am simply nothing but flesh and bones. If somebody asked me to lose you or have a hundred people around the world lose their “everything” person, as selfish as it may be, I would choose for them to lose it rather than I because I can’t imagine breathing or existing if you aren’t in my life and if we aren’t okay. I know that’s awful and selfish, but I would be shattered to pieces and soulless if I found myself alone without you. Nothing can numb the pain of feeling like I’m losing you and the relationship we built over the year, I try to sleep it off or distract myself but the pain is inescapable, it’s devouring me and everything I am. I remember the very first time I said something that caught your attention and made you notice me more. I remember the things you said to me at the very beginning of when I opened up to you a little. I remember every small thing, every word you’ve ever said to me, every smile, every laugh, every look, every hug, every encounter, every touch, every moment. I remember it all. I remember the very first thing you said to me when we met, I remember the very first time you showered me with that warm smile you’ve always had on your face. I remember every sweet thing you’ve ever said to me, all the comfort you gave me, all the reassuring talks we’ve had. I remember every single second I’ve ever spent with you and how I felt during those moments. I remember every small act of care you gave me, the way you always directed your attention to me wether I looked uneasy or not. I remember how you put your hand over your heart every time I opened up about something small every day. I remember how it felt like to be able to tell you everything without being afraid of being “too much”, I felt like I could never lose that because you are the closest person to perfection in my eyes. You say you have flaws, but I’ll only ever see the pure hearted person you are because that’s all that matters to me. I wish I could relive every single moment we spent together when our connection was at its peak. I miss that more than you’ll ever know, more than anyone could ever imagine. I’ll never forget how I felt when you took my hand in yours without me noticing, the night of the end of year ball we attended, because I wasn’t feeling too well and was sad to see the year come to an end. You took my hand in yours without hesitating and I held on tightly because I never wanted to let go. You took care of me even when there were others who were looking for a hand to hold. I’m at a loss for words because nothing can explain the pain I feel when I remember all of these memories. The very first time you hugged me, I threw myself in your arms and held on tight, my heart beat faster than the speed of light and I closed my eyes while resting my head close to your heart. I desperately want all of that back, I will never love anyone the way I love you, no one will ever mean this much to me, no one could ever take your place or even compare to you. I love you, I love you with all my heart and soul and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I would be losing myself, and life would become meaningless. I don’t want to hug anyone else, I don’t want to look into anyone else’s hazel eyes, I don’t want anyone else to care for me or to look after me, I don’t want anyone else calling me by the nickname you have for me. I don’t want anyone else. You aren’t simply a “drop” in my heart, you are the whole ocean that fills my heart up with joy, warmth, love and understanding. My peace is you, my world is you, my whole heart and soul is you. Every moment I’ve spent with you is engraved in my head, every moment that lit up my heart, that made me feel alive, that warmed me up completely, was spent with you. Wherever I go, whatever I do, whoever I’m with, the only person on my mind is you. My heart burns because of the feeling of your absence, I can’t get up every day, knowing that I’ll just see you and smile and sit in class with you, but not tell you what I should have said. I’m trying to find the words to describe this pain but I can’t because it’s indescribable. It’s this haunting, daunting, exhausting feeling that’s devouring my heart and emptying my body of water from how much tears I shed over you. I would choose you in a room full of everyone I know, I would choose you in a room full of people who have remotely meant something, anything, to me. I would choose you over and over again without hesitation and that will never ever go away or change. You make every day worth living. Please, please, don’t let me lose you, I can’t lose you. I love you, I’m sorry.”

That’s what I should have said. Instead, I looked at them with a shattered heart, a closing throat, and a warm smile on my face, as I do and have done every day for the past three months. I wish I could tell you all of these things. You are the only person who makes my pupils dilate when I think of you. I love you, I’m sorry.

“The heart has its reasons, of which reason knows nothing.” - Blaise Pascal