The Broken and The Brave

Trigger warning: suicide

Brooklyn

In the middle of my Freshman year of college some pretty messed up stuff happened. I was keeping to myself, and people started messaging me things that pushed me farther and farther away from others. I was never “little miss perfect”. I was never a goodie-two-shoes. No one cared about me. I just decided to give up. I sat at my computer for an hour writing out a letter to my parents, letting them know that they finally got what they wanted; their disappointment of a daughter to be out of their lives. I wrote another to my so called friends, telling them thank you for making me feel like nothing. And lastly I sent a message to my best guy friend Garrett saying goodbye. And then he started blowing up my phone and I just turned it off. Garrett and I had been through so much together. It hurts to think that we won’t be able to do anything that we had planned to do. But I can’t deal with this life anymore. I cannot stay in this world who just makes people like me feel like nothing. Like I don’t matter. There are certain things that I wish I would take my life and just start it over. I wish that I could just press a button and make this world disappear. I can’t do it anymore. I loved him, but he will never know that. I will never let him know that. It would hurt him. He wouldn’t like me anymore. It’s better this way. I have to do it.

I sit on the floor contemplating how I should do it. I heard people outside my dorm room, they were obviously drunk. Hitting the walls while heading to their rooms. I picked up the bottle of migraine medicine sitting next to my lamp on the bedside table. I opened the bottle and dumped the contents into my hand. I grabbed my water bottle, and took all of them. All of a sudden I hear someone banging on my door and shouting my name. I ignored them. But they were relentless. I didn’t know who it was. I didn’t care. I was ending my pain. Ending everything that ever hurt me. I felt dizzy and I fell unconscious after a while. And everything went dark...

Garrett

One night I was reading my favorite book, Pride and Prejudice, when I got a random text from my best friend Brooklyn. All the text had said was “goodbye”. I started messaging her asking her what’s going on and to call me. But they never got read. So, I jumped out of bed to find out what was going on. I ran over to her dorm building, and went and started banging on her dorm room door. Shouting her name, telling her to open the door. I heard what I think is her water bottle hitting the floor. I gave up at the door and went to her window. I look through it. Her lights were on, and I saw her laying on the floor, unmoving. I took my sleeve, covered my hand, and punched her window until it broke. I climbed through to her and she was still breathing. But I immediately knew what she did. The pill bottle, and the water bottle. She tried overdosing. My heart dropped. I tried waking her up, while calling 911. But anything I tried to do to wake her up didn’t work. I held her in my arms waiting for the paramedics to get here. When they get there, they question me about the broken window, and what had happened. I told them what happened, my relationship to Brooklyn, and that all I was trying to do was help her. I went with her in the ambulance, holding her hand the entire time. After hours of waiting in the ER waiting room, a doctor finally came out to tell me that she would be alright, and that I could go in and see her soon.

However, before then I was sitting waiting again, and two police officers came up to me. One of the officers said "Garrett DeLano, you are under arrest for breaking and enter on the University campus. You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used in a court of law." his voice drowned out. I felt weak. Everything went blurry. This is what happens when I try to do the right thing? This is what happens when I stop someone from ending their life?

Brooklyn's parents didn't ever meet me, or even hear about me from Brooklyn. So, in court there was hardly any sympathy from them. They didn't press charges, because I didn't harm their daughter. But they did put a restraining order in place so I could see her. Brooklyn woke up with amnesia and couldn't remember anything. I was nothing to her now. I would never be able to cuddle with her dorky adorable self. I would never be able to call her when I have trouble sleeping at night from my PTSD. I will never get to tell her how I truly feel about her. I loved her. I loved everything about her. How she would smile every time I told a bad joke. How she would bite her lip when concentrating on writing a paper. She will never get to meet my family. We will never get the dog we talked about. None of our plans matter now. She will never know that I wanted her. Every night before I would fall asleep it was her keeping me awake. It was always her. I never wanted any other girl. But now I can’t have her. I can’t have the only girl who has made me genuinely happy. She’s gone. I feel like there is a giant hole in my heart that will never be filled. 

We never spoke to each other again. I moved away, got married to a woman who didn’t compare to Brooklyn at all. I had kids, and all I could see in their faces was her. I will never get over her. I will never stop seeing her every night. But I know that we will never be together. It’s impossible.