Dear Diary

Dear diary, today I am turning 12 years old. My mom bought me this diary because she said it would help me learn to write better. She always says my hand writing looks kind of ugly. It used to hurt my feelings, but now I know she is just trying to help me do my very best. When I showed her my poem that I wrote in the first page, she said I need a lot of practice. She didn't tell me if she liked it very much... but I think she just wants me to try harder!

Dear diary, it's my sixteenth birthday and I still have this same diary from my twelfth birthday. My mom doesn't bother to read these anymore, even though I tried to tell her I got better with my handwriting. She's always busy these days, so I understand. I think if I worked all the time and had to worry about going through a divorce, I wouldn't really focus on my kid's silly writing. Or at least, I don't think I would. Mom tries really hard so I can't be too hard on her right?

I stopped doing the whole "dear diary" thing a few months ago when I picked up this old journal again, so I guess that's a kicked habit. It's been a few years since the last entry before I stopped, but my therapist says it'll be good for me to write down how I feel, or even just talk about things on paper. She said it's a good outlet. I get distracted easily and make scribbles on the side of the page though, but she says that's just the ADHD. Apparently getting diagnosed at twenty is a lot harder than it is when you're still in the single digit ages. At least I finally did, though. Mom keeps bitching at me about it and it's getting harder to just flat out ignore her. She says therapy is for freaks and idiots who can't handle their own problems and being depressed is just a fancy way to excuse being lazy. At least I can do the dishes in the sink more than I could last year.

I've been in therapy for two years now and Mom has finally stopped being such a jackass about it. If the conversation comes up she just rolls her eyes, so I take that as progress. At the very least, she isn't wearing me down over it anymore. I don't have to hold my breath or walk on eggshells when I come home from my appointments now, so that's awesome. I changed to doing one a week because I feel a lot worse these days. I think it's because my sister moved away. We used to be really close, and here for the last bit of time, we were roommates, so it just felt different. But then she up and left, and I just feel lonely and weird without her. It's another thing my therapist keeps saying is good to talk and write about. A couple of sessions ago she said "If you have to be angry to get through this, then just be angry."

It's getting harder to keep a journal but my therapist constantly tells me to. I guess today was fine. I saw this old video of me and my sister a few years ago, back when we were in school and it made me cry. I was just exhausted all day after that.

I can't ever remember when I write these so I'm dating them now. 2-14, my friend asked me to be her pal-entine so we went to dinner and saw a movie afterwards. She held my hand when we walked back to the car. It was really nice.

2-16, missed a day on accident, got caught up in work and then called a couple friends I haven't seen in a while. We talked about making plans to hang out, maybe play some games or watch a movie. It's still hard to write all the time but when I read back over my old journals, it kind of encourages me so that's good.

2-17, work sucked today and I forgot to eat dinner. My mom tried to make a big deal about it but she knew I was tired so she just made me dinner and was kind of sweet. More than usual. She kind of pet my hair, and asked if I wanted to watch cartoons. She doesn't act like this normally but I was too tired to even decline. So we watched cartoons. It felt like when I was a kid again.

2-20, bad days seem to be normal now. I almost skipped therapy. It just feels so pointless. Therapist said I'm trying to detach from things so I feel like I have less to hang onto. She told me about a friend who fantasized about running away and leaving everything behind, but she said she said the friend used to talk about how she would... well, off herself, if she didn't have anything to hang on to. Therapist thinks I'm leaning toward that so I don't feel guilty about... doing that too. I think I'm just depressed. And tired.

2-21, tired, moody, no way my medicine still working. talking to therapist about it next time.

2-23, therapy went fine, we're getting medicine changed. i'm so tired. :(

2-28, might be feeling a little bit better. Not as exhausted now. Work isn't as draining. I can't wait for it to be warm again.

3-1, it was really sunny out today so I sat outside with my mom. It was pretty nice. A friend stopped by and we hung out for a while. I ordered groceries to cook with, like potatoes and peppers. I want to make mashed potatoes tomorrow night.

3-2, writing as I cook. Potatoes are diced up and boiling now. It makes me feel kind of normal to do stuff like this especially since I live alone. Tomorrow I'm going out for a walk in downtown and my older brother has an apartment through there, so I might even visit him. I think I'm starting to feel better.

3-3, I painted today for the first time in weeks. My mom looked over my shoulder and saw it and was actually really sweet about it. She said the colors looked good and I had very bold and sure strokes. It was nice, but it also made me realize how little she compliments the things I do because I was so genuinely shocked by what she said, and that she said it at all. She actually sat an painted with me after that.

3-4, my medicine must be helping and with it getting warmer, I think I'm feeling really good again. Like I haven't felt this happy in a year, probably. I don't get as sad about my sister now, and I think being angry actually helped me heal. I'm planning a trip to visit an old friend of mine, and I think it's helping me look forward to the future. For the first time in my life I'm making decent enough money to do that, so I think it's going really well for me. I'm painting a lot, and my mom doesn't upset me nearly as much. Maybe we've both gotten better.

3-9

I know it's been a while since I journaled, but me and mom had a really deep conversation today. I kind of poured my heart out, and she actually listened and was receptive. She told me she was sorry for how she had acted, and that I deserved more support than she gave me. She said she wanted to do better, and that if I needed to ever talk to her, she would be happy to listen. I spend a lot more time with her, and actually try to get her to hang out with me more too. We have plans to see a movie this weekend, and on my lunch breaks, I always walk over to her house to hang out. Things are feeling a lot better nowadays. I think I'm finally getting to where I've been trying to get for years. And I'm finally excited for the future :)