Yes, I am speaking to you, the girl who was no one's princess. The one who on a good day was invisible, and
on the bad days you were noticed. You felt the purpose of your very existence
was to be used to satisfy their anger, lust, wicked desires...the object of
their unhappiness. Right now, you think
pain is our life and if we learn to control it things would be better. In your mind if you hurt yourself before they
hurt you, their hurt would be less painful.
This is when you started to burn yourself with hot candle wax. It seemed logical in your mind and that is okay
because we needed that belief to survive.
On good day we allowed ourselves to get lost in the fantasy of a prince
charming rescuing us. You reminded
yourself that after the worse pain come relief, numbness. You prayed to a God you needed to believe can
save you. You were trying to survivor,
so, you made things up that appeared to be logical (in our mind) explanation for
your life. It was easier to blame
yourself than to blame others. If I
am good, they would be pleased with me and not hurt me. I was there when you got your first puppy. Do I have your attention now?
I know you don’t believe me because long term side effect of the
trauma we suffered is lack of trust. By
their mere title alone, mom, dad, and family were responsible for protecting, loving,
and providing for us. Instead, they
violated, deceived, betrayed, and hurt us.
Know adults and the people we love are human and it is human nature to
be self-served. You were the collateral damage on a happy family project. This is not meant to be an excuse but merely
a possible explanation.
I want you to know that we are amazing! It was not your fault. We become more than a survivor; We Thrive!
You wanted to be daddy’s Princess. Dad was a manly man. He was handsome, muscular, intelligent, funny, caring, hard working. He may have even been a protector to some. He was a mentor to many. He did not forget birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries. He was a good one, a catch. I am sure some thought mom was fortunate to have a husband like that. He worked and provided an above average lifestyle for his family; 2 cars, 3 bedrooms house, back and front yard, hammocks and swings, and fruit trees. No one saw or wanted to see what was going on behind closed doors. Your first puppy came the day of the first offense. Never has daddy spoken so sweetly to us.
Mom could not allow herself to believe us. Our mom felt threaten. She no longer saw us as a child but the female that now had her husband’s attention. You felt it was wrong, but you did not know for sure. The choice was do right by you and be in poverty, a single parent, shame, fatherless children, alone or ignore you and continue to portrait the perfect family.
They were older. They knew better but it was a fun game for them to take turns penetrating me. Your pain, blood, and resistance should have not gone on noticed. They did us wrong.
What happened to us was wrong. No one, no child should ever have to experience pain we suffered. Unfortunately, we never receive any retribution or justice for what was done to us. I trust Karma is a bitch and will give us the justice we deserve and need. We need to believe it, or life would be senseless.
We later found out there is a name for what we experience. It is called Childhood Sexual abuse. We will spend the rest of your life combating the long-term effects, but it does gets better. The nightmares become less frequent, the self-harm become periodically, the negative voices are not as loud anymore.
You felt hopeless, doomed and always afraid. With time we learn to manage those things.
I need you to know you are doing a great job surviving. You were NEVER less, always more than enough. The problem was NEVER you. It was ALWAYS them. They were blinded by their anger, desires, fears, selfishness, and their own pain to ever see the beautiful and amazing little princess you real are. It’s more important for us to see our true self as the beautiful and amazing princess we are. YOU ARE MY PRINCESS. Now and forever.
Many of us have not survived. Some were killed by their pedophile. Other could not live with the pain anymore. For the time periods when your voice in your head is screaming you are worthless, evil, impossible to love. Your own parents could not love you that is why they hurt you. All you cause is pain. Your heart is beating so loud, you can’t breathe, your chest feels like an elephant died on top of you, you begin to feel the room moving. The pain feels so unbearable it is crippling. You wanted the pain to stop. I forgive you for temporarily giving up on us. I forgive you all the times you tried to stop the pain through suicide attempts. I love you.
You were determined to survivor. You insisted on taking all negative experience and turning it into something magnificent. You currently use your trauma to educate and help others. You are the professional expert on childhood sexual abuse, the long-term effects and how to survive. You empower others to be the people they want to be. You are a consultant on high profile child abuse case. You bring awareness to the public and you teach the people in power about the effect child sexual abuse has on children. As a result of the long-term effects, we are diagnosis with a few mental illnesses. Major Depressive disorder, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder are the average diagnosis stemming from childhood abuse. You become the voice of every sexually abused child who have been silenced, hurt, confused and angry. You reach the part of society that feels nothing for the abused children but response to financial cost they may endure. Some abused children grow up to be hurt, confused, angry adult. Many have ended up in jail, mental institutions or unable to care for themselves. It is financially costly to all to provide shelter, food, comfort, therapy, medications, and daily support for children who have been sexual abused. It is cost efficient for the abuse to never happen or the children who have been sexual abuse to receive treatment, love, and support through their healing. Not to mention the appropriate healing, support and quick reaction from the caretakers and society will produce a stable, contributing member of society.
We used our negative experience to become advocate for children of childhood sexual abuse. Hang in there you. Life gets better. You are my hero, mentor, and my inspiration. I love you. We are amazing!