Embrace

Breathe

Just breathe

It's not going to be like last time

You promised yourself, remember?

Besides, they're relying on you

Them

Your teammates

Your friends

The school

It's up to you

You're the only one who can do this,

the only one for the job

They pass me by, telling me,

Do good, okay?

You got this!

But they can't really be thinking that, right?

They're probably thinking about last time,

just like me

God, she's such a screw up.

All of that big talk, and she can't save a single goal.

Yeah, that's probably what they're thinking right now

But that's okay

It's what I tell myself anyways

Hey, we should get on the field, the game's about to start!

Oh, okay, I'll be there in a second

They act like it's fine,

like it's not my fault

But I saw their faces after the game, their disappointed faces

Why was she ever put as keeper? She sucks.

The coach probably isn't an exception

Why did I ever assign her to the goal? There has to be a better option.

I'm used to it by now

It's my daily mantra

As indifferent as I act though, I can't help it

I feel so uneasy

Each step, a widened chasm from myself

I used to talk so big, I used to be sure of myself, of my skills

But not anymore

That one game destroyed me,

keeps me from being the same me I was before

Every step I take towards that field, I grow more and more unsettled

Scared

I'm scared

I'm scared of letting everyone down

Scared of failing

Scared of being kicked off the team, replaced, everyone shunning me

Oh, see that girl over there? Remember her? The one that used to be on the team?

Yeah, she was so bad, they kicked her off!

What an idiot.

I'm this team's guardian,

The last line of defense

I'm supposed to be the one that holds us together,

That keeps us going through one last game, one last goal, one last save

That's who I am

Or rather, who I'm supposed to be

But what if I'm not?

What if I keep messing up, keep ruining things for us?

I'm here

We're here

The field

Where I messed up the first time

Those feelings, the ones of inadequacy

They should be going away right?

I'm on the field,

It's supposed to be a new game, a new day, a new team

A new me

I'm still scared

Shouldn't I be more sure of myself?

That was just the first game

It doesn't matter

Shake it off

Oh, I'm fine now!

I say that to throw them off, and I've been acting like that too

Not really

There's the other team

Seeing them just scares me more

They're not the best, but neither am I

What if it happens again?

What if I freeze, unable to function as I should?

What if I miss?

What if, what if, what if?

The game's starting soon

The uneasy feeling is back,

crawling up my legs,

settling on my stomach

I can't

I can't I can't I can't

I'm already able to see it

The faces of my teammates looming down on me

Why didn't you save that? It was an easy goal.

How are you still on this field?

You shouldn't be on this team.

What a disgrace.

Not again

I can't let them down like that

I'll just have to do better,

to be better

I'm still scared

The feeling is crawling up my waist,

settled deep into my heart

I try to hold it back,but it's too late,

the feeling having rooted itself deep inside me

That's fine, it's good

I'm still okay

I hid it before, and I can do it again, right?

Right?

Wrong

Dead wrong

I feel almost sick, the need to throw up growing stronger every passing moment,

every kick,

every step,

every pass

But they don't see it

No, I've learned better than to show this

I'm the pillar

I have to be

To fall apart now would be losing already

To fall apart now would mean I might as well throw the game

That's so stupid.

You'll be fine.

As long as you don't act like you did the first time,

there's no need to worry.

Grow up.

Stop complaining. There's no place for that on this team.

I can't tell them

There's no need,

I'm too big for this,

I'm older, I'm better

These feelings are trivial and childish

They have no place on this pitch

No place in me

And so I banish them, deep into the abyss

Never to be seen by the others

Never to be acknowledged by me

I'm still scared

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am

Something that I'd never tell my teammates

My friends

My family

Myself even

I'm so scared, I can't even admit it to myself

Because who knows what could happen,

how I could mess up?

I could implode on myself

I could lash at my teammates

My teammates

Another reason why I can't

I'm the responsible one

I'm the reliable one

Without me, who?

As much as I talk,

as loud as I am

As proud and willing as I am,

This is one thing I could never, ever tell them

Never

The feelings, stronger than ever, make their way up my neck,

Slowly,

longingly,

lazily

Like they've been waiting for this moment

And now that they've arrived, they just want to soak it up,drink it in

My reluctance, my disappointment

My shame

Nearing my head, I can almost see them, see the despair they bring

I can almost taste them, the taste of sweat and tears, mingling together as one

I can almost smell them, the smell of shame, disappointment, defeat

Defeat

Somehow though, I find myself relaxing, taking in the moment

Letting the possibilities roam around my head

Because still, for every ten, one hundred, one thousand visions of defeat, of sorrow and shame

There's still that moment

The moment of peace, of winning, of joy

It's dim, but it's here

What's this feeling?

Happiness?

No, that's not it

It's broader than that

Not as black and white

Contentment?

I think that's it

Contentment

I am content

Because of that one opportunity, that sliver of hope, that ray of sunshine on the cloudiest day

I might just be fine

I'm still scared

Anyone would be

But I think that's okay.