the journal she left

trigger warnings are as follows: mental health / substance abuse / suicide / child loss

A tall, dark-haired man wearing a suit struggles with his house keys, fumbling at the front door. He finally unlocks the door, steps inside, and an eerie silence greets him. A strange energy hung in the house; something felt amiss. The usual brightness is gone, replaced with a hollow emptiness.

He sets his suitcase on the bed and heads off to find his wife. His footsteps echo through the silence. In the dining room, he finds a note saying he'll need to fend for himself. He thinks nothing of it and orders takeout, assuming she's out running errands.

An hour quickly turns into two, then four. Worry creeps in, as there is no sign of Marie. Tired of the louder-than-usual ticking clock, he heads to the bedroom to get ready for a shower.

As he walks down the hall, unease prickles at his senses. In the bedroom, he notices his wife's closet door ajar. To his horror, upon closer inspection, it was empty.

His eyes frantically searched the room, but everything else was in its place, right where he left it, except her things. His heart sinks when he spots his wife’s journal on top of their neatly made bed. He picks it up and opens it to a random page.

His heart quakes with guilt as he reads the journal she left behind.

June 8, 2006,

Tony isn't the same. He’s more distant. Have I done something wrong? Maybe I’m not attractive to him anymore. I have gained weight. What if he is seeing someone? No, he assures me he isn't. I’ll surprise him! His birthday is tomorrow, and he'll be home tomorrow, so I’ll cook a special dinner and wear my best lingerie.

June 9, 2006,

He was late. The food went cold. He didn’t even touch the meal I spent hours preparing. He said he was tired… that he had already eaten. When I tried to initiate sex, he said he was exhausted and went straight to bed. Is this hopeless?

June 12, 2006,

He left again, another "business trip." Before he left, he stayed on his phone the whole time. He would smile at it constantly, and whenever I asked what was so funny, he would say it was nothing. I believed him... maybe I was overreacting. Still, I can't shake the feeling that something is off.

June 14, 2006,

I went to Tony's office today. Why did I do that? He wasn’t on a business trip. His job doesn’t even require business trips. God, I feel so stupid.

June 16, 2006,

Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I haven't had my period, and come to find out, I'm two months pregnant. I’m going to be a mom! Tony came home with a hangover. He didn't even notice my excitement. The only thing he noticed is that I've gotten bigger. I didn’t have the chance to tell him about the pregnancy…

June 17. 2006,

Early this morning, Tony got a strange call and left in a hurry. I followed him; God, why did I follow him?

He was with another woman. She looked younger than I... what did I do wrong? What do I do now? I can’t raise a baby on my own… but I can’t stay here either. I'll have to go home, but it’s been years since I last saw or spoke to my parents.

June 18, 2006

Tony hasn't said a word about the call, and I have not brought it up. What’s worse? He won’t talk to me at all.

June 19, 2006,

I looked through his phone while he was in the shower. He's been sleeping with his intern. She's only 23. He's cheated on me for years… but he told her he's in love.

June 20, 2006,

I called my mom, but she didn't answer, just her voicemail. I haven’t tried again. Maybe I'll just show up. They’ll probably turn me away… but part of me hopes they'll want to see me.

June 21, 2006

We fought today. I confronted him about his "business trips." He said it was a lie that he was seeing his intern and told me to stop snooping. Then he left. Probably to go see her again.

Now I'm feeling pain in my lower back and abdomen. My pelvis hurts. I’m scared...

June 22, 2006,

The pain hasn’t stopped. I'm bleeding when I go to the bathroom. I feel nauseous. The doctor told me to come back if it gets worse.

I haven’t told Tony about the baby yet. Maybe I should.

June 23, 2006,

It got worse. The bleeding… the pain… I tried calling Tony, but he didn't answer.

I left a message saying something was wrong, but he never called back. I had to call the emergency services myself.

The doctor said I had a miscarriage…

When I got home, Tony yelled at me for calling an ambulance.

Then he left. Again. He'll be gone for two weeks this time…

June 24, 2006,

I lost the baby.

I never got to meet or hold them. I didn’t even get to know if it was a boy or a girl.

The pain won’t stop; it keeps reminding me that the baby is gone.

I called a divorce lawyer today. Then, I found the courage to call my mom again.

Hearing from me thrilled her. When I told her everything, she asked me to come home. I said yes and packed.

I'll leave as soon as the divorce papers arrive.

June 30, 2006

Dear Tony,

I truly loved you.

Now, I feel nothing but pain. You traded seven years of love for a girl half my age. You'll never understand the pain I felt when I lost the baby.

I hope she makes you happy because I will never feel it again.

My baby is gone.

And so is my love for you.

This is my last goodbye.

May we never cross paths again.

Tony closes the journal and hugs it to his chest. Tear-soaked eyes stare blankly ahead as realization seeps into his bones. He sinks to the floor, overwhelmed by the weight of regret.

When he looks toward his wedding photo on the dresser, it's no longer there, only a stack of divorce papers in its place. He lost her. Lost the baby he never knew existed.

Desperate for another chance, he grabs his phone and dials her number. It rings. To his disappointment, it's her mother who answers.

“Why call now?” Marie’s mom spits. Her voice dripped with venom.

“Where is she?” Tony pleads. "I need to talk to her."

There was a long pause on the line. Tony presses on, voice trembling. "Please… I just want to make things right."

“You should have thought of that before you cheated,” her mother snaps with fury.

Guilt twists in his chest like a blade. "Please," he whispers. "I'm begging you."

The laugh that comes is cold and hollow. "Even if I wanted to let you speak to her, which I don't, I can’t. She was in a car crash and didn't make it. You took her away from me… and now she’s gone."

The line goes quiet except for the sound of broken sobbing, and Tony's world shatters.

What was I thinking?

The memories pour in like a flood: their wedding, Marie's laughter, her tears, the sound of her voice. Suicide crosses his mind quickly and quietly, but he deems it too easy. He doesn't deserve peace.

He will live the rest of his life knowing he is the reason.

He is why their child died; the stress must have caused the miscarriage.

The reason why Marie left.

Why she never got to be the mother she was meant to be.

He ruined it all… for nothing.

A week has passed since Marie’s death. Her family excluded him from her funeral, and rightfully so. He's since left the intern and lost his job in the process.

He sold the house he once shared with Marie. It hurt too much to stay.

Now, he's taken to alcoholism, drinking to forget his troubles, unsuccessfully.

He thinks of his last words to her. Telling her how he'd be gone for those two weeks.

No "I love you". No goodbye.

Just lies. So he could go on a trip with the woman who meant nothing.

While Marie suffered, he relaxed.

Now, the guilt is louder than any silence. He stares at the pills in his hand. One by one, he swallows them, lifts the bottle for one last drink, and slips into an endless sleep.