To Whom it May Concern PART 5

TWIMC-5

Amy needs to clean under the feeders. She also needs to clean the porch. Get rid of a rug or two. And move the grill to the other side of the porch.

Hi.

I need to talk to you. I wish you were here, so much. I need you here. I’m glad that I’m here. I don’t have to go back. I don’t want to go back. I could easily say that I don’t care. But I do. I don’t understand. I wish he would be honest. He’s, too close to home.

But not.

Right now as of this moment, I really have no desire for a relationship.

Why??

Because Amy has always been unsure of him. How to, take him. How to understand him. What did I do? I would really like to know. I mean in, detail. I know I did something wrong. I just do not know what. He wants nothing to do with me. He never has. There has always been an issue with him.

Amy keeps looking back…

She was sick. She just didn’t know it.

This is all I do...

This is all I do.

Wonder.

Wonder, wonder, wonder.

Dot, dot, dot.

Tomorrow is a different day. I will wake up tomorrow, like I woke up today.

Probably.

Maybe not, but that is what I am expecting.

In this moment Amy is looking at the living room that she changed around last night. At three in the morning.

It looks nice.

That’s what Jason said when he walked in. He was tired.

He immediately sat in his chair and turned sports TV on.

Then fell asleep.

I wish that he would just go to bed. Heck. I wish that he had normal hours so he could do what normal human beings do during the day. With their eyes open. And their feet on the ground ready to face the day.

Speaking of...

Amy doesn’t slept much during the daytime hours. She is trying to re-schedule herself. Get back into a normal sleep schedule. Like try and get some.

It’s pretty outside. The snow is covering the wall. And the trees!

White, white, white…

It’s beautiful when I’m inside.

I don’t plan on going outside until Monday.

Too cold.

Plus, it’s the playoff weekend. For Sunday is going to be a party.

Yay!!!

Tomorrow is for sure, a different day.

She hasn’t been here lately. She’s been close. But not, too close. She’s been working up front. It’s a mess. She had to put some more stuff up there. Now she’s in the back trying to organize other things.

For years Amy has sat here wondering if this will hurt anybody. I’m sure it will. But she didn’t do this to be vindictive. Or mean. Maybe a small part, but she asked. She begged and pleaded for others to share it with her. She wanted to talk about it. It just wasn’t in the cards. What is in the cards is that it is my turn. But she is scared of course. Enough to where it makes her want to vomit when she thinks about it. But she is doing it. She has come this far. There is no stopping her now. She gave a fair warning.

Example…

Heed:

(v) to give careful attention to

(v) have regard

(n) notice, observation

She is doing this for her.

I don’t know what this will do to Jason, but it’s not like this shit didn’t happen.

She is scared of the outcome.

This is a chance she has to take.

Hopefully something good will come out of it.

I’m tired of worrying. Worried of Aaron would think. He says he doesn’t want to get involved. Whatever. He never has. So, be it. To be expected.

Jason, too.

I don’t know how to explain it.

Sure.

At first, I was super pissed off. Now, I don’t know.

The more this straightens out, the less anxious I become.

How is this going to work?

Nobody is going to read it. That’s how.

Yes, I thought about it. I wanted to discuss this with them both.

No can do.

I’m not trying to be vindictive. It’s…

It's…

Ugh.

It’s super sunny today and her eyes hurt.

Her sunglasses are always sitting on her desk.

Shit.

What good are they on her desk?

I can’t wait to go outside to get into the dirt.

It’s cold.

I can feel the air from below just sitting here at my desk. I don’t think I’m going out anytime soon. I’m tired.

And I hear vermin in the trash cans.

Or it the mice from underneath the bathroom?

Hmmm?

Jason has already pulled a few out of the traps. Who knows if there’s more? Jason needs to take a walk around the trailer to look for holes.

Yep.

He will be busy before he even walks through the door.

Plus we are going to exercise, so he will sleep well tonight.

We joined a fitness/rehab center in Tecumseh for three months. Enough time for the warm weather to get here so she can go outside.

She wants to keep up with her neck, so she doesn’t have any more problems.

They are planning on going again tomorrow. Jason has a meeting, and Amy sees Dr. Suess before noon. Dr. Suess is in Tecumseh. As it is practically across the street from the exercise place.

When she went to see Dr Suess, she was happier walking in than walking out. Probably because it started early this morning. Around 10 M EST. Its official Jason didn’t get the job. He is officially going to stay at midnight. Now Amy is going to be officially alone, 20 hours of the day.

Lol.

AND NIGHT.

This job began so long ago. It has been a thorn in everyone’s side. Jason included.

It has been the vein of every argument.

She said that she would be done supporting him after the decision was made.

Now what does she do?

What has she always done?

Not having a choice in the matter…

She told him once this decision was made that she wasn’t going to support him anymore when it came to his job.

But.

That is what she is supposed to do. Because there is no other alternative. That is the reason for this. A back-up plan. For what she is not sure yet. Time will tell. Right now, it is just too early.

So, we will talk about this...

At least start, to talk about this. The main reason. To find something. She just doesn’t know what exactly. She has since found a lot more than she was expecting.

Sometimes she wishes she had never started this. For one, she doesn’t know how to end it. Or when. But when it began, boy she’ll tell you what, she was somebody she doesn’t want to be ever, again.

For that one reason, she wishes that she never started this.

But…

She has to finish it.

Yes, I thought about it. I over, thought about it.

I didn’t do this to hurt anyone. Including myself. This is not my dirty laundry.

This is my life.

Parts, a little more soiled than others.

But.

She is ready to move forward. Find something new to dwell upon. Words can’t say enough.

She could go on and on, but she doesn’t want to.

She does this every day.

It’s beginning to get in the way.

Hey-hey.

Hey…

Was this all a waste of time? In the beginning, it was so good for her. It seems to be spinning towards a negative feeling. Or feelings…

Anger, discontent, fear. It’s gone as of today.

And yesterday.

Hopefully tomorrow.

She’s not trying to remember anymore. She’s not forcing herself to remember. She doesn’t want to remember. She is ready for tomorrow. Today. As a matter of fact, she feels something new today.

Example:

She is going to get a, small cavity filled. That’s what Dr. K said. Small cavity.

Big cavity.

It’s the size of the needle.

Afterwards her and Jason are going to go exercise.

This is really good for them. In more ways than one.

She loves it.

A place to go with her headphones. Btw. Jason was sweet. Amy told him about those books that her therapist told her, about. There are quite a few, so she is going to be busy. This will be an enjoyable break.

Maybe she will learn new things.

Jason

There is only one small problem. She can’t read with any distraction. Her mind is busy enough trying to focus with the television on. She needs no noise. Not even a peep. One sound, and she’s off the page. That’s why she is here, and not there.

11pm. Est.

That’s what time she went down last night. She read some. After eating some disgusting leftover Chinese food, never again might I add. Read a little. And then woke up with Diamond choking out her legs.

It was a peaceful night. She slept through it. All of the kids are coming over today. Jason is at the store right now getting stuff to grill burgers.

Food.

Still gross.

But the kids will be here.

Now, about these books Jason bought her...

It’s going to be a long, long, read. Perfect. Putting her mind someplace else other than here.

Crank.

By Ellen Hopkins.

It only took her the first page, and she was hooked.

Lol.

Epiphany…

A lot the writings it can relate to. I like how it was written. It’s very poetic, in a sense. She is going to try hard to find time to read all, these. Any time after two pm. Est.

Today I can see it. I know what I was talking about when I brought up the subject of suicide with my doctors.

WHAM!!!

It’s here…

A feeling of defeat. Maybe. And then it’s gone. All gone. Depression. Partly. My doctors say it’s depression. Blah, blah, blah. It’s for sure not fear. She hasn’t felt that in a while.

Am I fucking going, crazy?

Seriously.

Am I?

It’s the middle of winter. It’s probably that crap again.

Every year.

2:29 am. EST.

She woke up half on the chair. And half on the side table. She had no idea of the time, as she dribbled by the dryer. She’s up! And now she is here. Debating whether or not to text Jason. Just to say hello and see how his night is going.

She probably won’t.

She doesn’t want to have to move to retrieve her phone from under the blanket or table. Or chair. Its somewhere…

Lol.

Right under her nose.

Literally.

It’s 3:11.

AM.

Not time for his lunch yet. Whatever time that, is. He has told her over and over and she still can’t get it right. Maybe the opposite. UK. Sometime around, 4-ish. I sure do miss the notes he used to leave me during that moment. When I think back, I wonder.

Wonder…

Wonder…

WONDER.

Today is Monday. I have not one appointment until the month of May. She’s good with that. That gives her more initiative to do other things. Other things such as going to exercise. Go for a walk. Try and bond with my husband.

Be it for a moment.

It’s this time in the morning…

4:39. EST.

This is when her brain kicks into overdrive. Probably because of the coffee. Or it was the shower that woke her up more. But still.

Lol.

Still. In the still of the night.

It’s quiet.

She can hear the fan of the heater kick on.

Tic-tic-tic-tic…

She got up, walked around the corner, and laid down next to Diamond. Fell asleep, woke up to Jason walking through the door, and putting her head back down until 11:30. AM. Est.

Stood up and walked straight to the Jeep.

Today is Monday. A new workout week.

Yep.

They are trying to make a new habit.

Exercise.

Leg day, today.

Her thighs already hurt.

No pain, no gain.

And my shoulders!

They are becoming more, straight across.

We are going again tomorrow. I want to eat before we go, though. I have been waking up with a low blood sugar kind of feeling.

I was leafing through a book and in between two pages, there was a ripped piece of paper with a phone number. With the name Joe. I found it. Not that I was, looking for it.I want to send him a few more pics.

Pics that I want to forget.

Done and forgotten.

On to today….

It is super bright and sunny. It is supposed to be in the fifty’s today. The birds are busy in their house outside of their window. The groundhog was right. It will be an early spring. Birds are singing all over. Tweet-tweet-tweet.

A good tweet. Lol.

Not Jason’s phone.

That is all locked and muted up.

She doesn’t care much anymore. She is making it tough for him though. Either he is still hiding, or there is nowhere to hide. It’s a trust issue also. Either way, he did this. The shock has worn off. It’s time for her to make a move. Towards what yet, she’s not quite sure. She does know it is her turn.

But the fear…

It’s not here today.

Instead today, she is at a roadblock. This was before they went to Carter’s. She forced herself to go, and she’s glad that she did. When she walked out, the cold air felt good on her damp hair. Both of them immediately parted ways after she signed them in. 15 minutes of hefty walking and her mind was someplace else. They were there for an hour so that makes for a nice mindful self-conversation.

Her abs hurt. Not her stomach. Her abs. They were too sore to do one of two machines. Jason says to work through it. Lol. Not, today.

I tried. Too, too sore.

Tomorrow is another day.

When they got home Jason helped her with the computer. He’s really becoming a part of this. Yay. He’s in bed now, but he is here every day. That made him part of this. Not all of it.

Part of it.

Because there are two sides to every story. Maybe even three.

Who knows…

Not me.

Hey-hey.

This afternoon is quiet. She’s waiting until Jason gets up so she can go into the bedroom and put stuff away. She has come down to the fact of where she is going to do laundry only, at night. It’s a lot easier with just the two of them. One and a half loads, a day. Or night. It’s no big deal. Nothing like when the boys were here.

So, much.

And they still bring their laundry over because of the water at their apartment.

Go to a laundry mat.

It’s too expensive...

That, it is.

And because of that, she doesn’t mind much. Only a little. It’s more spaced out now. Plus, I think Logan goes to Megan’s house for theirs. He hasn’t brought any clothes over like Trevor has. And Trevor’s barely done that.

Boy, this is nice.

Hold on…

Before Jason left for work, we were talking about his different meetings on different days. His meetings disappeared along with his call-ins and his updates and his social media alerts.

Poof!

He still has his meetings, but they are during work hours. Before, he was gone every Tuesday and Thursday. 9-11am. Est.

Twice a week.

I know what time he got home. I was waiting. I’m tired/ this is old. We went to Adrian today to get some work shoes for Jason. I looked at the Hey Dudes for a minute…and then remembered about the thousands of shoes in my closet(s).

And under the bed.

I like the personal aspect of getting my medicine. That way it is easier for Amy to get what she is looking for. Her name is Stephanie. Lol. She just learned that. Or she does know. She just doesn’t remember. I’m not proud.

I’m glad.

They didn’t exercise today. They decided to take a break. They were both pretty sore. They’re not going tomorrow either. Jason is getting his eyes looked at and Amy wants to pick out a new pair of glasses. They squeak every time she puts them on. And/or takes them off. Which means they are soon to snap.in the past year she has replaced the ones she has now let see…

Three, times because the arm snaps off.

Her script isn’t up yet so this is the perfect time to get new frames without having to get another exam. They are doing this at the Kellogg Eye Center so they should plan on being there a while. Jason’s appointment is at 12:30 pm est.

So that means Jason will want to eat out for breakfast, slash, dinner.

Food…

Have to have it.

All I want to do tonight is listen to some heavy, heavy metal. I need to steal a playlist, or two from the boys just for nights like this. Something to tear me away.

Break away, from her mind. Sometimes it gets too stuffed.

She doesn’t fold anymore. She lets it go.

Without trying.

Isn’t that a sign?

Of not giving a shit?

To be continued…