The duality of innocence

"What are you, 5 years old or something?"

I couldn't lift my eyes from the ground. It's like they were glued to the dirty planks. Gosh, I never realized how dark the grooves between the boards had become. When's the last time I cleaned them; a month ago? I should probably call someone to clea-

"HELLO?! You're doing that thing again where you just space out. HELLO, EARTH TO ROBERT!!"

Her voice pryed my gaze to meet hers. I swear it's like she's made of fire.

"I hear you. I was just thinking." I reply, the words barely strong enough to pry my lips apart.

"Of course you were. You always are, right? The same thinking that convinced you it was a good idea to mention my upbringing, right? You can't just not expect actions to have consequences. It's not realistic."

"Look honey, I didn't think that making that joke would hurt you like that. I was just trying to find something I could say to get in the conversation, and the only thing that came to mind was how you and your siblings would escape with each other to a quiet place and play board games while your parents fought! It was a cute memory to me, I don't understand how that makes you mad. I really am sorry. I already apologized 10 times. What else can I say?"

"Yes!! You're so right again!! I actually LOVE letting people we barely even met realize I grew up in a dysfunctional household! It's one of my favorite party tricks!" she shouts sarcastically.

"Stop being mean. You can say your point without being so mean."

It was as though her shoulders were knocked 2 knotches lower. Her face softens. She maintins eye contact briefly, before observing the same boards I had just evaluated. Silence, besides the steady breathing eluding from her nose. I can't decide whether to caress her or leave her to self-regulate. Why can't I ever remember what she prefers?

"All I ever want is to feel respected by you." she says, shakily. "I've never been one to put my business out there and it shouldn't be your place to do that for me either."

More silence, although I now hear an occasional tear meet the planks. I watch the drops become cloudy as they roll up the dirt. The true color of the wood begins to show.

I made her cry again. Another stupid mistake and I made her cry again. Why do I make her cry?

"And you can't even care enough to hold me or anything when you clearly see me hurting."

My heart drops for a second. That's right, she prefers to be held. I nearly trip while I take a few steps to close the gap. Her shampoo smells so nice. I wrap my arms around her and tuck my head on hers. I can tell she's relieved by the aggressive crying shes now adopted.

"I really am sorry." I say. "I wish I just naturally knew these things but I don't."

-------------------

I feel my heart in my ears again.

"Robert, where do you get the idea these things come naturally?" I say between catching my breath. "Have I not told you making jokes of my childhood effects me?"

Sarah, you must remain calm or he will shut down. He's told you how yelling at him makes him feel like a child in trouble. Take a good breath and try again.

"I'm sorry for raising my voice, I just feel like it's a sick joke; the way we play the same scenerio out a million different ways. I think the most frustrating thing about it is that there is literally nothing else I can do to make my point more clear." I quickly tag on, hopefully diffusing the tension.

"I know it feels that way to you, but I promise I am really trying to remember the things you don't like." he utters. "I'm not making an excuse for myself, I'm just letting you know those details slip my mind if im not being intentional about it. You know I care a lot about your feelings, and even though it seems like i'm trying to make you feel embarassed, i'm not. I hate that I do that sometimes. I only ever want to make you feel valued, I just mess up a lot and that's my own fault. I hate that I do that."

I can hear the guilt weighing on him. I push off his chest and find his eyes. Even looking down at me, they catch the light so well. Maybe the glasslike finish aids them.

Wait. He's crying. When did he start crying? I didn't even hear him. I always hear him. I feel my anger melt.

"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings while sharing mine. It wasn't my intention to hurt you, just like it wasn't yours to hurt me." I nearly whisper.

His tears well over, down his cheek to meet mine down below.

As if his tears cleansed my mind, I suddenly remember how much I love this man. Was it not his simplicity and gentleness that made me fall in love with him in the first place? Who am I to hold his innocence against him?

He furrows his brows. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I really try so hard to not make you mad or hurt you."

My heart breaks. He sounds like a broken record. I picture his smiling baby picture I have in my phonecase. Why am I so hard on him sometimes?

"I love you Sarah, and I would never do anything intentionaly to hu-"

"I know that." I jam in, cutting him off. I see him start to smile, but I beat him to it. Oh, how I missed his smile.

---------------

I love her smile. She looks so pretty.

"Thank you for never giving up on me." I say.

"Of course. You're too special to let go of." she says through her teeth.

I'm so happy we're good again.

"Do you wanna get ready for bed then wind down with a movie or something?' I ask excitedly.

Shes already broken my grasp. "I'll get the snacks!" she shouts back as she heads to the kitchen.