The Disappearing Spouse

THE DISAPPEARING SPOUSE

Cast:

Protagonist                                                                                   ME

Strictly Moral Conscience                                                            SMC

Sympathetic Techie Conscience                                                   STC

Neutral Narrator                                                                            NN

Scene:

ME’s Living Room

TIME

All Hallows Eve

ACT I

ME: Damn, I wish he was dead.

SMC: “Whoa, wait a minute. You’re talking about the father of your kids.”

ME: I don’t care! He’s unreasonable, mean, a cheat, despicable, demeaning, dastardly…(sob) and he broke my heart.

SMC: When you married him, didn’t you say he was the love of your life?

ME: Yeah, so? He’s not anymore. I hate his guts. I can’t stand the sight of him. He makes me …angry, so angry.

SMC: Really? Or are you just spouting off because he’s got a new girlfriend and—

ME: Yeah, and that’s another thing. The ink on the divorce papers isn’t even dry yet and he’s banging some teenage floozie. I hate him. I wish he was dead, dead, dead!

SMC: Now, now, you can’t mean that. What would you do if he showed up dead? Wouldn’t you feel guilty?

ME: Heck no! I’d be happy, relieved. No one would miss him if he were gone—he’s such a loser—and most of all not me—I wouldn’t miss him even a tiny iota. I so wish he was dead.

STC: Okay, take a breath. Think how devastated your kids would be if he died, and his girlfriend, and his mother and his siblings? We’ve gotta come up with some other way to get him out of your hair.

ME: Hmm. Maybe. But it would have to be a surefire way.

STC: Wait a minute. I just read something. Hang on. (She pulled out her iPad and typed some words into Google.) Ah, here it is.

ME: Okay, okay. What is it? Tell me.

SMC: This isn’t some kind of dark magic, is it? I can’t let you perform dark magic.

ME: Puh-leeze. Let’s just see what she has to say.

STC: Okay, here’s a spell you can put on someone who’s causing you pain.

SMC: I told you. No Dark Magic.

ME: Why do you always think the worst? No one said it was Dark Magic. Go ahead, Techie.

STC: Well, this has several steps. You list everyone who ever knew the person you want to disappear—in his whole lifetime—and you put a spell on them, so they forget he ever existed—no memories, no broken hearts, no anguish, no pain—no loss.

Next, you put a spell on the person you want to disappear—in this case, your ex-husband and he…he disappears. It says he goes off to some nice kind of place—like a first-class lounge at the airport. He has every comfort, and he forgets his previous life entirely. He can party all day and all night. You said that’s what he likes to do, isn’t it?

ME: Exactly. Sounds intriguing. And you’re sure nobody would miss him or shed tears over him being gone or anything?

STC. That’s what it says.

SMC: Oh, this is so bad, so, so Black Magic. How can you even think of doing this?

Me: Oh, stow it Moral Conscience. I like this more and more. Does it cost me anything—money, or my house or—or anything?

STC: Good question. Let me check. (STC bends over her tablet and reads, her lips moving and her finger following the words on the screen. She looks up, but says nothing, her eyes cross, her hands shake.)

ME: Uh, oh. Come on, tell me.”

STC: Well—there’s no cost (her next words come out in a rush), as long as the spell doesn’t slip. If it slips and someone,  besides the person who dispatched him,  remembers him, he comes back as though he’d never been gone and, and—he resumes his old life. He’s back to your kids, his other family, his girlfriend…

ME: Dang and then he’d be driving me crazy again.

STC: Well—not really.

ME: Why not? What am I missing?

STC: Funny you should say missing. If someone remembers him, it means the spell had a weak link—it slips—and when he comes back, whoever disappeared him, you in this case, takes his place. You disappear and no one remembers you.

ME: No one, not even my kids or my sister or my best friend?

STC: Sorry, that’s what it says.

ME: What if that spell slips and someone remembers me? Then I come back and he’s gone again. Right?

STC: Sorry, but the spell only works twice. If it happened like you described, you’d still be gone forever. (She ducked her head again and when she raised it, she had tears in her eyes.)

Me: What? Tell me.

My BA: When you left, you wouldn’t go to the First Class lounge with all the good food, and drinks, and entertainment. You’d just disappear—forever.

STC. (Standing there during the recitation of this new development, a horrified look consuming her face, turns to SMC) and says in a whisper: What about heaven? Wouldn’t she go to heaven?

SMC, frowning: Are you kidding me? I think she’d better just hope she’s gone, period, instead of burning in, you know—hell.

Narrator

(STC and ME both gasp. ME, abruptly sits down, head in hands, with questions spinning in her head. She jumps up.)

ME: Okay,  let’s run through that one more time…

SMC: You can’t really be considering this? Dark Magic! What if it doesn’t work and he’s in pain, and he…

ME: Now that sounds even more enticing. In pain, huh?

STC: (conferring with her tablet again): It says here the spell works 95% of the time.

ME: See there, SMC, 95% of the time. That’s good, right?

SMC: Yeah, right. After all, you fell in love with this schmuck, thinking he was a good deal and all. Seems like your luck ran out on that one. You’ll probably be in the 5% for whom it doesn’t work.

ME: Ninety-five to five odds—sounds good to me. Nothing’s going to slip. , tell me what we do first.

The Scene Fades

Narrator

(SMC retreats to her special room refusing to further discuss this horrific plan. She hates Dark Magic. There’s a reason, she knows, why they call it dark.)

ACT Two

Time

Slightly Later

STC sitting on a chair, looking worried.

(ME flitting around the room, anxious to begin.)

STC: I wish your SM conscience were here. You know I’m not a huge fan of Dark Magic, either, don’t you?

ME: I know, but we’ve talked about this. My ex really is a first-class slug. You know the world would be better off without him. And I would be, too. You love me. Don’t you want me to be rid of this blight on my life, to be happy again?

STC: Yes, yes, of course, I do. And, like you said, it’s not like anyone would grieve for him because memories of him would disappear just like he would. Okay, let’s see what the next step is.

Narrator

(The two pour over the instructions on the tablet. They’ll need a few strands of hair, his ID, and pictures of all the people who know and love him. With the arrival of the pandemic, the broad use of Zoom will enable them to get everyone virtually in the same place at the same time.

On the pretense that someone is planning a party for his fiftieth birthday, everyone responds to the zoom. They cannot see the Black Magic altar that’s been set up in the background with key items from his life. Unbeknownst to the participants, SMC, who has practiced for hours,  puts them under a spell and erases him completely from their memories—as well as their memory of the zoom. Everyone is back where they were before the proposed zoom, just going about their business.)

ACT Three

Time:

One week later

ME: Our kids were supposed to go camping with him last weekend. I was afraid they’d call and ask me where their dad was. But nothing. His birthday came and went. They’d always celebrated with him. That night two of them came over to watch TV.

I couldn’t ask them why they weren’t with their dad, because…Well, you know.

SMC: It sounds like the spell worked. (Unable to stay away from doing his job, has returned.)

ME: I think so. Hard to tell. His spousal support check didn’t come. For some reason he always sent it ahead of time, but there’s still no sign of it.

STC: Oh, did you think about that? What will you do without his check?”

ME: I never thought about that. What will I do?

SMC: (snide voice): Gee, maybe you’ll have to get a job.

STC: Now, SMC, don’t be mean. Can’t you see she’s upset?

SMC: Well, at least I didn’t say I told you so.

ACT 4

Time:

Six Months Later

Narrator

(With no sign or mention of the Dark Magicked spouse, things were still tough for ME, who started work at a Frequent Stop convenience store. Having always depended on her husband’s income, she’d never felt the need to learn any skills to support herself. She’d always done her part by caring for her family and handling all the housework and shopping. Now, she came home exhausted every day. When her kids came to visit, they’d leave early, because she always fell asleep.)

ME: The spell worked just like it was supposed to. No one has mentioned my ex. It’s like he never existed. (Pause)  I had the weirdest thought today, though. If he never existed, wouldn’t my kids have disappeared, too? And why do I still have this house—he bought it…or my car?

SMC: I think we’ve got a glitch here. If so, one can only wonder what’s next?

STC (ignoring SMC): ME, are you regretting that you dispatched him to another world?

ME (another pause):  No! No! Well, maybe a little. I saw his girlfriend at the Post Office the other day. She used to give me dirty looks when he was around, but she smiled as though she didn’t even know me.

STC: Do you really think he’s happy in that big lounge wherever it is?

ME: Who cares? (ME hung her head, shame shrouding here like a morning fog.) Who am I kidding? I should never have done this. I thought he was such a pain, but…is there anything…

SMC: Sorry, there are no do-overs, right STC? You’re responsible for what you did, and you’re stuck with the consequences.

Narrator

(ME looked out the window and noticed her ex’s dog digging in the yard. He’d disappeared at the same time as his master. As she watched, the dog came across something and pawed it frantically. He uncovered a ball. ME’s ex used to play catch with him with that ball. Both really enjoyed it.)

STC: How sweet. Look at the dog. He’s licking the ball and circling around it, as though he’s waiting for someone to play catch with him.

Narrator

(The dog sat back on his haunches, raised his head, and howled as though he’d lost his best friend. ME ran to the window.

The eerie wail seemed to encircle her. She thought about those movies where someone describes feeling disembodied? Well, ME felt really strange. She could see her  arms and legs, but as she looked, they began to fade from sight.)

For just a second, she caught a glimpse of the backyard. Her ex was there. He threw the ball and the dog, yipping, and yapping, chased after it, retrieved it, and dropped it at his master’s feet, happily drooling all over it.

The scene faded. ME floated disembodied through a heavy mist. Fear caught her around her waist and heaved her into sheer blackness.

ME: I thought it had to be a person who remembered my ex to bring him back. But a dog…(She heard STC sobbing. She heard a mirthless laugh from SMC.)

SMC: She wouldn’t listen. After the first slip, I told her…the spell slipped once. I warned her...

(ME reached up and touched her eyebrows and hair, which felt and smelled charred. She knew this was the price she had to pay for her choice.)