None, Ceres

“Mom, what are you doing here?” I whispered as I look around our school’s waiting shed, hoping that I will not encounter any friends or acquaintances. I murmured thanks when I saw none. The students and some of the parents are also leaving the school area, maybe because of the threatening cyclone. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to fetch me?” I rolled my eyes as I stared at her sorrowful eyes.

“I just missed you, my daughter. You’re not visiting me...” She wiped the little tears that escaped her eyes.

“I didn’t promise you anything... What is this drama all about?” I crossed my arms and look around once again. 

“I didn’t... I didn’t display myself here... uh... I decided to show up when I saw you... I was hiding there...” She pointed at the narrow street beside the expensive café. I frowned when I heard the thunder bark and how the strong winds whistle. 

I uncrossed my arms and remove the hair that is now covering my face because of the wind. Staring at my mom’s wrinkled forehead and pleading eyes makes me feel like there’s someone who’s pinching my heart hard. Before I get drown from her stare, I shifted my gaze to my bag and look for my wallet. When I finally found it, I glanced at her and to her fingers that are clasped together.

“Here, you should go home now. There’ll be a storm surge an hour from now for sure.” I handed her five pieces of bill. I silently turned my back and was ready to go when someone grabbed my arms, and I knew perfectly who is it. I faced my mother and stared at her left hand on my arms. 

“Ceres... I didn’t come here for this.” Then put back the bills and her right-hand holds my hand tightly. I looked at her calloused hand that grips my hand and retrieve it from her hold. I moved my eyes to hers.

“Maybe... you want to grab some coffee?” She smiled dreamily and then glanced at the expensive café.

“Are you seriously asking me that?” Annoyance gushed through me because of her desperate voice and her smile suddenly fades away.

“That café’s coffee‘s worth is your one week’s food.” I chuckled and shook my head as I turned my back again but her hand is still on my arm. 

“I saved for this day... Ceres. I’m so excited to have a date with you...” Her cracking voice makes me guilty but I exhaled exaggeratedly to let her know that I’ll disagree with her idea.

“You worked for that for months, I’m sure. You should keep it and buy your medicines.” I coldly said. 

Aware of my annoyance, she withdraws her hand swiftly. I swallowed the lump on my throat and walked hurriedly to the usual parking of my grandparent’s car that serves as my service for now. I forced myself not to look back to my mother on the waiting shed but as I opened the car’s window, my eyes involuntarily made their way to my mother who has a small sad smile on her face. 

I pulled the car’s door loudly and looked at my driver’s eye on the rearview mirror.

“Don’t report this to grandma, please.” 

When I reached the home of my grandparents, I silently went to my room.

As I closed the door, tears rolled down on my cheeks. 

“You’re so cruel, Ceres...” I looked at my family’s photograph hanging on the wall as my tears became heavier. 

I woke up the next day with bloated eyes. I sighed and just went out of the car. My friends are already waiting for me at the school gate.

“Oh! Ceres is already here!” I smiled a little and waved my hand. 

“Why are your eyes like that, girl?” I didn’t bother to answer Athena’s question and just started to walk on our school’s field that connects the school’s entrance to our building.

“Athena! Ceres, you’re still pretty with your eyes like that!” Lei cling her arms on mine and pretend to fix my tidy hair.

I just shrugged my shoulders and let them move to another topic without any contribution to their conversation. 

When we reached our classroom, I occupied the seat in front and my friends followed. This class doesn’t have a seating plan that’s why we’re free to choose where to sit. I actually decided in front so that my friends will not talk often because of the professor. I don’t have any plan to talk and they’ll bother me for sure when they noticed that I’m silent. 

“Hey, Cariza, you should find another seat!” I carefully observed how Cariza, the black lady with curly hair stood up and nonchalantly find another seat.

“You’re so harsh to Cariza, Athena!” I scolded her but she just laughed.

“She didn’t complain, soooo...” I shook my head and Lei noticed that she watched me with her cat-like eyes.

“Why are you suddenly so concerned about Cariza, Ceres?” She stared at me and I equaled her stare.

“Oh! You changed your friendship preferences?” She added and laughed. Even if she didn’t directly say what she’s pointing, I get it that’s why I stood up.

“Restroom.” I carried my cellphone and swiftly went out of our classroom. I almost run to the nearest restroom and hurriedly locked myself inside the last cubicle. I sat on the covered bowl and put my hands on my face.

Why am I feeling this?

I deeply sighed a lot of times before I decided to go out. My eyes widen when I saw Cariza looking at herself on the wide length mirror.

I went beside her to wash my hands on the sink and stared at myself too.

“I saw your mom yesterday.” I lifted my brow and see her staring at me through the mirror. I’m not surprised by what she said because her mother is working in my grandparent’s company.

“Oh, really? So what?” I turned off the faucet and was ready to go when Cariza suddenly caught my attention.

“Your... real mom, I mean...” I almost lost my composure with what she said but I immediately fixed it.

“Real mom? What are you talking about?” I almost clapped when I didn’t stutter. 

“On the waiting shed...” She faced me and her eyes almost suck my soul, just like my mom’s.

“You called her your mom.” She shrugged her shoulders like it doesn’t mean anything.

“My mom is your mother’s boss, in case you forgot.”  

“Ceres... why are you like that?” My eyes widen with her sudden serious yet cracking voice.

“Didn’t you see your mother’s desperate eyes? You slept peacefully last night knowing that you broke your mother’s heart?” My heart almost broke because of the memory of my mother yesterday.

“Is that all you’ve got? Your pride? Do you want your friend’s approval? You want to be on top of that stupid hierarchy that you’ve all created?”

“What are you talkin—“

“Don’t ask me what I’m talking about because I know that you completely knew it! You hate your mother because she’s black? Do you hate our color? What’s wrong with our skin? Does it offend you? Does it hurt you? Tell me... not because I want to change it for you to accept me... us... but because I want to understand why are you like that.” My tears automatically fall as I watched her tears kissing her cheeks.

“Why is black together with a name considered as an insult and white as an upperclass? Why are you like that?” She shook her head and her disappointed eyes diffused through me. 

“Your mom... was drenched with rain... and I thought no one can break my heart anymore... because you know...” Cariza sobs and my hand flew to her hand to grip it tightly just like what my mom did yesterday.

“I already experience the worst but the moment your mother said... that it’s okay to be drenched with rain because...m-maybe her skin will be cleaned, that when it happened... you’ll accept her... my heart almost died with hers, it hurts... so much, Ceres...” I sob and can’t protect myself with her words because it goes straight to my heart.

“Does hoping that you will treat us like a normal person too much, hmm? Are we abusing you already?” She turned my back to me that makes my hand withdraw from her arms.

—

I’m now standing in front of a two-story house. I didn’t go back to my class and my feet brought me here... or my heart?

I hiccuped before I decided to click the doorbell.

I clasped my hands because of nervousness and my heartbeat doubled when I saw my auntie in front of the door. Her eyes widen and I smiled a little.

“Ceres, you’re here!” I nodded my head and knotted my eyebrows when she peek at my back, wandering who’s with me.

“Your, uhm, grandparents are not here?” Guilt gushed through me when I realized how my father’s parents caused their trauma. How they shot them hurtful words, how they buried to my mom’s family’s mind that they’re outcasts.

“Don’t worry, auntie. They’re not here. By the way, where’s mommy?” She pulled me inside the house and my heart jumped when I saw my little cousins playing on the floor. They were astonished with unfamiliar face inside their house.

The cute little boy with curly hair left her lego and cutely cling on her mother’s legs. 

“Mma, who’s she?” He whispered shyly but it reached my ears. I smiled at him but I immediately shifted my gaze to the little girl in front of me, busy examining me.

“You’re so pretty!” She giggled and hold my hands. Because of the strange feeling, I took my hands and I saw pain in her round eyes.

“Oh, I—I’m sorry.” She clasped her hands because of nervousness, just like me, my mannerism.

“Uhm... you’re pretty too, and cute.” I took her small hands and smiled at her.

“...you’re prettier. Your skin is like a snow... and mine is like a charcoal.” I gasped at her and she stared at me innocently.

“No, don’t say things like that...uhm.” I didn’t finished my sentence when my auntie suddenly talk.

“Thank goodness, Ceres that you came here! Your mother went home last night crying but I can’t talk to her because she locked herself in her room.” I almost forgot my purpose of coming here.

“Where’s she, auntie?” She gestured the second floor.

“The first door on the right.” I nodded and looked at my cousin’s eyes on me.

“You’re beautiful, alright? Metaphors aren’t that accurate, so don’t believe in those, okay?” I said and she nodded with a smile like she completely understood what I’ve said. I tapped her head and she went back to her toys, giggling.

I climbed the stairs quietly and slowly, I returned my eyes on my relatives downstairs and sighed when I saw them moving naturally. I’m the only one who’s not natural and nervous!

I easily found the door on the right since there’s a huge gap until the second door. I casually knocked on the door and almost jump when I heard the voice of my mother.

“I said I’m okay, Julia... don’t bother to come here, I’ll be alright.” The soft remark of my mother almost brought me to tears. 

How can I be so cruel to this precious woman?

“M—mom, it’s me, your daughter...” My lips tremble while saying those words that my mom’s been waiting for years. Silence stretched in the air for minutes. 

The knob clicked and tears fell on my cheeks when I saw my mother standing in front of me.

“Ceres, what are you doing here?” Her tears pooled in her eyes.

She pulled me inside her room and the family portrait of ours welcomed my sight.

“Does your aunt called you? I’m sorry if she bothered—“ 

“I came here in my own will, mom.” 

“I—is that so?” She avoided my gaze and her eyes widen immediately as if she realized something. She pulled me to sit on her small bed.

“Oh! Did somebody see me yesterday in your school? Did they confront you about it? I—I’m truly sorry, I’ll not repeat what I’ve done... please... you’ll still allow me to see you, right?” Her desperate voice makes me weak. I hugged her tightly and I heard her sobs.

“I’m so sorry, mommy.” I clutched on her shirt and sob harder.

“W-why are you crying, my little lady?” She caressed my hair which made my tears fall more.

“I—I’m so sorry, Ceres. I’m sorry if my skin is like this... I’m sorry if I didn’t get any college degree because I can’t stand their stares at me, I’m sorry if I gave up.” She hugged me tightly. I silently rest my head on her shoulders and another set of tears escaped my eyes as I get comfortable with my mother’s hug that I missed for years!

“You don’t have to say sorry for anything mommy. It’s all on me, it’s all my choice, and I’m so sorry if my stupid choice hurt you badly.” My mom shrugged her shoulder which made me withdraw my head on it. She hold my face and stare at my eyes.

This is my mother, the one who gave me life.

I’m so selfish. I thought that it’s all normal, I thought I’m born in a world where there’s an automatic wall, I thought that it’s a disgrace to support the their community.

I thought that it is automatically etched, the hate, the stigma but now... I realized that I’m the one who created the wall... we created the wall. 

“You got bullied because I am your mother.” My heart hurt once again with that memory, the reason why I chose to come to my grandparents who hates my mother so much.

“Your father died while he’s protecting me... you remember that?” She said it as if she was expecting me to say that I hate her.

“You remember that, Ceres? That’s why I can’t blame you for your anger because I understand... because I hate myself too.” 

“Mom... please don’t be like that.” I sob and hugged her again.

“I’m so thankful that you carried the genes of your father, that you didn’t experience what I’ve experienced because I can’t stand that... that you can’t sleep at night because of it... because I’m your mother and I gave you that color. I know that you’re so fragile... your heart and mind couldn’t take it all.” 

“I prayed so hard when you’re still in my womb... even if I know that there’s a big chance that you’ll hate me naturally...” I shook my head repeatedly while still hugging my mother tightly.

“There’s nothing called natural hate, mom. We’re all born with love, we’re all born not hating each other, it’s our choice. It’s the change in how we perceive things that triggers us to hate and love deeper...I chose to hate,mom... the blame is all on me.” 

“Cariza... she talked to me.” I added. My tears are slowly drying in my cheeks as I found peace in my mother’s arms.

“Hmm”

“Her words, mom... It changed me within a second.” 

“It’s because you listened, Ceres. That’s how it works.” I felt her smile on my shoulder.

“All of the people already heard our cry, Ceres. Many of those already listened, and we’re always willing to wait for those who are gradually opening their minds for us.”

”It is not the words that create changes all of the time, Ceres. Sometimes, silence, your mind and your ears are enough. Can our words change anything without silence, without anyone who’s listening, without anyone who‘s willing to open their minds? None, Ceres. Everything will be futile.”

#BlackLivesMatter