Success was the Failure

TW:

Includes themes of child loss, miscarriages, abuse, suicide, and death.

They talk about success like it’s always a good thing. In the case of Theodore Gilbert success was the worst thing to happen to our tiny town in years. Theodore Gilbert’s success was in this very rare sense, more of a failure. Perhaps this is what he wanted, or thought he wanted but labeling it a success is wrong. You see I’ve known Theodore Gilbert since him and I were still in diapers, we used to play down at the creek together with his baby sister Sally Lou Gilbert. Me and Theo used to be real close, but then when Sally Lou died we drifted apart and he got real quiet and distant like, he never really was the same.

You see, Sally Lou got a real bad fever when she was only four years old and Theo used to blame himself. He was only 10 when it happened, the doctors said she died from coming into contact with a spotted toad which cause real bad fevers, and see Theo was the one who gave Sally Lou the spotted toad to play with and so he always thought it was his fault. Our small town grieved with the Gilbert family for days. After she died, Theo’s parents put him aside, almost forgot about him it seemed. He cooked and bought his own food, walked himself to school, bought his own clothes, did it all for himself. He grew up too fast, poor boy.

Mrs. Gilbert got pregnant with another baby girl, they were gonna name her Suzy Lou after Sally, you see, but Mrs. Gilbert miscarried. The whole town was very sad for her, we all baked her casseroles, and ravioli, hoping that eating the food would take away the pain of another baby lost. By this time Theo was 12, and he was struggling, clear as day. Theo couldn't read, or add and subtract to save his life. Our teacher tried to teach him, and tried to talk to Mrs. Gilbert, but she wasn’t doing too good, see, she drank herself nearly to death and just said Theo was going to follow in his fathers footsteps anyways, and he didn’t need to read or write for his job. Turns out the whole time Mrs. Gilbert was drinking, she was pregnant with another baby.

Mr. Gilbert was so happy and excited, he couldn’t wait to be a father he always said at church when we prayed for the Gilbert’s. Whenever he said this Theo’s face would steel up and he’d get a real sad look in his eyes. In class, our teacher gave Theo a bag, one of the fancy ones you could purchase up on Angels Crest, the expensive ones. Inside the bag there were some clothes and bottles for little Shirley Lou, the third little baby girl for the Gilbert’s. Unfortunately, this was also the third little baby girl for the Gilbert’s who wouldn’t make it. Shirley Lou was another miscarriage, and Mr. Gilbert found himself so far in the bottle that he was almost upside down.

Everyone at church prayed for Mrs. Gilbert and for her baby “born sleeping.” Theo told me he hated that term, “born sleeping” sounds like the baby will just wake up, and Shirley most definitely would not. My mama told me I should invite Theo over for dinner sometime. She said that the poor boy looks like he needs to eat a sandwich or fifteen. Looking back on it now I wish I would’ve invited Theo over for dinner, but I was a petty little girl and I didn’t want to be known as the girl who’s friends with the boy whose mama can’t ever keep a baby. I know it’s a horrible thought but I had a boyfriend and a clique of popular girls whose opinionated mothers all pitied Mrs. Gilbert, but whose daughters thought she was a nasty person. I thought I was better than him, but I was not, I was just a naive child.

Shortly after Mrs. Gilbert suffered her loss of Shirley Lou Mr. Gilbert did something awful. One night he was so wasted and drunk that he went out into the forest and pumped his head full of bullets. Theo showed up to school the next day, that’s when our teacher asked for the baby clothes back. Theo told her that he buried Shirley in those clothes and that if she wanted them back she’d have to dig Shirley up and take them off of her. Apparently Theo buried Shirley himself as his mother and father were both so drunk they couldn’t stand straight.

Theo was 13 now and he’d lost more than anyone I’ve ever known. Sally, Suzy, Shirley, and now his father, Samuel, all dead. Mrs. Gilbert became the town drunk and was never home, my mother tried to invite her over for dinner once, she showed up and passed out on our porch. My mama brought her in and got her all sobered up, gave her a bath, the first bath she’d had in evidently a long time telling by the dirt and blood all over her legs. My mother made her soup and bread to take home, gave her a new dress and new boots. My mother felt for her, see she had a stillborn sister, named Linda, I only learned that in recent years and I never knew her so I didn’t have the ability to miss her.

Mrs. Gilbert and Theo were doing good for some time, but then Mrs. Gilbert met Dave Douglas, an abusive, smelly, drunk who beat Theo often; he'd come to school with bruises across his face and arms. That’s when Mrs. Gilbert got bad again, see he’d beat her too, but she’d always insist he didn’t and that he’d only do it when he was drunk. Problem is he was drunk almost half the time. One day Theo showed up at school, his eye was black and his arm had bruises on it from where Dave Douglas grabbed him. He looked like a wreck and sat down next to me like he usually did. I still remember what he said to me, what he said everyday since we were little, “Hello Mary Lin” and I’d always repeat, “Hello Theodore.” However, when he sat down next to me that day I heard him say under his breath, “Goodbye Mary Lin” I looked up at him from where I had been doodling on my paper. I supposed I just heard him wrong.

At lunch that day I got broken up with, my boyfriend who I very much believed I was going to marry was cheating on me with my best friend, Meg. I sobbed and ran out of the lunch room. I remember Theo following me out and into the hallway. I stood there by my lockers crying, he came and stood beside me, wrapping his bruised scrawny arms around me. I let him hug me, the boy who I hadn’t exchanged more than two words with in years, but knew everything about. I looked at him, I let him lean in and kiss me, it was very polite, a peck on the lips. The bell rang to end lunch and as he unwrapped his arms from around me I remember asking him this, “Say Theodore?” I remember having him look up at me through puffy eyes, “Mary Lin?” I smiled, “Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?” He nodded, “I’ll be over at 6:00.”

He was supposed to come over to dinner, instead he hung himself.

It came as a shock to me, I had set the whole table real nice, pulled out mama’s silver, me and my mother made a chicken, some stew, and a loaf of bread for him to take home to Mrs. Gilbert. It was 6:45 when I started to get worried, maybe Dave Douglas did something to him. I had decided to walk over to his house, it wasn’t that far, I’d see if he was alright that’s all. As I approached his house, my very best Sunday church dress on (yes, I got dressed up for Theodore) I saw the sirens outside of his house. The sheriff, and an ambulance. I ran up to one of the deputies, “What happened?” My eyes were welling with tears. The deputy looked at me, disappointed, “Poor boy hung himself, it’s a shame, tomorrow was his 14th birthday.” I was so shocked, this couldn’t be. “Theodore Gilbert?” He nodded. “I’m sorry miss. Did you know him?” I nodded, swallowing tears, “He was my friend. He was supposed to come over to dinner.” The deputy nodded and asked for my name, I told him and he said he’d call my mama.

I was numb for days after it happened. I always wondered what happened to Mrs. Gilbert, in recent years I looked into whatever became of her. According to local deputies, Mrs. Gilbert was found brutally murdered two days after Theodore and Dave Douglas turned himself into the police station before being found dead in his cell, presumably a suicide. However, Mrs. Gilbert was pregnant with Dave Douglas’s baby, before getting killed and the infant was able to be saved. She was named Stacy Lou and put in foster care.

I guess the cycles complete now, the Gilbert’s are dead, all of them except for Stacy Lou, she’ll grow up in a family that isn’t riddled with bad luck. I guess Theodore Gilbert really did follow in his fathers footsteps. He succeeded in suicide, but failed me.