Crewless

“Did we take a wrong turn somewhere?”

“We’re on auto-pilot, Eric.”

“I know,” replied Eric, studying the course they had charted. “This just doesn’t look anything like the map.”

“I’m sorry,” his companion rebuffed, “I didn’t realise you had a degree in intergalactic cartography.”

“I mean, it’s not rocket science, is it?”

Eric waited for his companion to laugh, or at least smile, but when she instead crossed her arms and avoided even looking at him, he continued.

“Angela, look,” he implored, now pointing at the giant space map that presumably depicted the galaxy they were in. “We’re supposed to be here within spitting distance of this planet.”

“Arsenal.”

“Yeah, planet Arsenal. And yet I can’t see a planet anywhere. Go to the observation deck and have a look for yourself.”

With a tut and a sigh Angela dragged her feet to the observation deck and, sure enough, there was no planet Arsenal, or Chelsea, or even Liverpool for that matter. In fact, the entire Premier galaxy looked completely bare. Not a star in sight, and she couldn’t even blame light pollution. Moreover, something about the scene from the deck window seemed off. It was disorientating, like the blur that occurs while spinning around too fast. Space itself appeared to be melting.

“Eric!” she called down the hall.

“Yes?” He smiled as he entered, trying to pretend that he wasn’t hovering outside the door the whole time.

“You’re right,” she said. “Something’s wrong.”

“I…”

“Don’t you dare say I told you so!”

“I wasn’t going to say that,” he said, smirking and doing a tiny fist pump. Angela threw a pen at him. “Ow!”

“Focus Eric! What are we going to do?”

He pondered for a second, biting his nails. “I don’t know. I’m afraid we might have to ask Olive.”

“No, don’t say…”

Hello crew members. Eric. How can I help you?

The tinny sound of the OS’s voice clattered out across the ship. What Angela was going to say, and what Eric had somehow forgotten, was that asking Olive was a fruitless endeavour. Unlike the sophisticated OS models that existed elsewhere in the universe, the flimsy prototype that had been installed on their ship was next to useless. Its knowledge was limited, its voice annoying, and it didn’t understand accents and, since everyone had an accent of some sort, this aspect alone rendered Olive worthless.

“Olive,” Eric began, deciding that anything was worth a shot. “Where are we now?”

The room throbbed with an unsettling orange glow that told the crew Olive was thinking.

Playing ‘Where Are You Now?” by Justin Bieber from planet Earth.

“That was pretty close to be fair,” said Eric, nodding approvingly and tapping his foot in what he thought was the beat of the song.

“Olive, stop!”

Angela. Do you want to play a game?

“Yes!” screamed Eric.

“No!” shouted Angela.

“You’re no fun. I’m bored.”

“We’re in a potential crisis and you’re bored? We need to figure out what the hell this thing is outside the window.”

I have many games to choose from. Stop me when you find one you like. Who Wants to be a Billionaire. The Big Fat Quiz of the Light-year. Escape the Wormhole. Deal or No Deal.

“That’s it!” exclaimed Angela.

“Sweet,” said Eric. “I love Deal or No Deal!”

“No, not that. The wormhole. We’re in a freaking wormhole!”

I’m sorry you didn’t find something you like. Goodbye.

“Thank God!” Angela said with a sigh of relief, and then she remembered. “Eric, we have to get to the control console now.”

“What even happens in a wormhole anyway? Are we going to die?”

“We might. That’s why we need to focus. The co-pilot has shut off because, as far as it’s concerned, it has nowhere to go. No direction brings it any closer to its destination. So we’re going to shut off the auto-pilot and give you control.”

“Why me?” squeaked Eric, suddenly feeling the gravity of the situation.

“Because you’re the pilot. It’s the one thing you’re actually any good at. The one reason I tolerate you.”

“I make a pretty good omelette.”

“No Eric, you make a terrible omelette.”

“Oh.”

“You’ll be fine, trust me. Then while you’re piloting I’m going to transfer power from Comms and give it to the thrusters. We’re going to need a lot of juice to get out of this thing.”

“And where are we going exactly?” asked Eric, settling in the pilot’s chair.

“Straight through.”

“Through! But we don’t even know what’s on the other side.”

“I know, but it’s our best option. So just keep us straight. A turn to either side and the ship will break up. The auto-pilot isn’t going to be able to help you. You’re on your own, and you’ve got this.”

“Thanks.”

Angela punched him on the arm and winked at him before leaving the control deck, reassuring him somehow. She has faith in me, Eric thought. But what Angela was really thinking was Please don’t fuck this up.

She raced down to the Engineering station and Eric took control. There was a slight wobble as the steering wheel unlocked, and he heard a bang and then a rattle come from the left hand side of the ship. It mustn’t be anything major, he thought, because we’re still alive. The ship stabilised, but it was a struggle. Eric felt like someone was trying to wrestle controls from him, and he was very tempted to just let them have it.

“I’m down in Engineering,” said Angela, making the most of the Comms channel while it was still available. “I heard a loud noise on the way down here. What was that?”

“We’re still alive,” replied Eric.

“That’s always a positive, but it doesn’t really answer my question.”

“It might have been a part of the ship,” Eric answered hesitantly. “But I doubt it was important.”

“You should bloody well hope not! Can you try and please keep it together while I work this out?”

“You got it. Over and out.”

Angela winced a little. She hated when he used radio speak, but it wasn’t Eric’s biggest foible. She thought that probably had to be the way he talked while he was eating, or the clamorous way he sneezed, throwing his whole body into it and failing to cover his nose.

No time to list Eric’s deficiencies now though. Angela had to focus on the task at hand. To her the control modules in front of her were gobbledygook: miscellaneous wires, screens, and fiddly knobs. She was aware that they had had an engineer once, but she couldn’t remember where they had got to.

“Angela!” barked Eric.

“Jesus Christ, you scared the hell out of me. What do you want?”

“You know the way we’re in a wormhole?”

“Yes?”

“Where’d the worm come from?”

“What?”

“If there’s a wormhole, surely there has to be a worm,” Eric theorised. “What the hell size must it be? And where is it, for that matter?”

“Eric.”

“Yes?”

“I’m disconnecting the communications now.”

“Right you are.”

Angela let out an exasperated sigh as she pulled out a wire connected to a port with a little speaker icon on it.

“Eric?” she tested just to make sure.

Nothing.

She hoped the rest of it was going to be that easy.

No need to bore you with the details of Angela’s makeshift engineering. She stripped the wire, pulled some others out, lost power to the ship briefly but managed to get it back, fiddled with some knobs, used a tonne of electrical tape, and finally increased the power going to the thrusters.

She hoped.

“Boo!”

“Holy shit!” Eric yelled as he jumped and lost control of the wheel once more, this time initiating a bang and a rattle from the right hand side of the ship.

“Eric, be careful!”

“You made me jump!”

“You see, that’s your problem, Eric,” lectured Angela. “There’s always someone else to blame.”

Eric held one hand to his chest and Angela rolled her eyes, unfazed by his dramatics.

“How’d everything go in engineering anyway?” asked Eric.

“Great, I think. That should be us all sorted. Full steam ahead.”

Eric engaged the thrusters and, sure enough, there was enough power there to pull them free of the wormhole. They cheered, and almost hugged but instead opted for an awkward handshake.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this, but we have to know,” said Angela. “Olive. Assess damage to the ship.”

Dinner tonight will be Roast Turkey and Stuffing. Happy Holidays.

“What’s the damage to the ship?”

There is a refuelling station 2 hours away. Do you want me to set this as your destination?

“That’s not a bad idea actually,” said Angela. “Do that, and I can check the damage myself when we get there.”

Angela and Eric looked at the new galaxy around them, completely unlike the one they had left. There were planets everywhere. Red ones and blue ones, at least one of which was bound to inhabit life. She would ask which one that was at the refuelling station. The sun here was a little too hot for her liking, but she could get used to it. Eric took out his shades and put them on, and Angela refrained from asking him why he even carried them on his person because she knew that’s what he wanted her to do.

“We could settle here, I think,” said Angela. “I mean, it’s not every day you’re sucked through a wormhole. I think we’ve earned a break.”

Eric agreed and they both breathed deeply, content with where they’d ended up.

Their peace was shattered moments later by an almighty and unpleasant crunching sound, like a tin can in a blender, coming from the rear of the ship.

“What the hell was that?!” yelled Angela.

We appear to have been attacked by a space worm. Evasive manoeuvres recommended.

Angela turned to her right to see Eric grinning.

“I knew there had to be a worm,” he said.