Without Conviction

The bus was dangerously leaning from left to right each time it encountered a pothole in the road. The sun was high and sitting by the window was unbearable. She looked around hoping to find an empty seat in the shade but there was none. Every seat was occupied by someone wearing an orange jumpsuit like the one she was wearing. 

           She put a protective hand over her eyes and looked up in hope of finding some kind of blind, she laughed at her naivety. Why not a cart with refreshments while we’re at it? She tried to pivot in her seat, to turn her back to the window but the size of her seatmate did not give her much room to maneuver.

           She wiped the sweat off her eyes and looked around the bus. The inmates sitting in the row opposite her were looking straight ahead, seeming unbothered by the heat or the swinging of the bus.

           The driver hit another pothole without reducing his speed and she swear to God the bus was airborne for a second or two. She instinctively reached for something to grab onto, but her hand only met with emptiness before landing back on her lap. A wave of nausea took over her, she put her head between her legs, drops of sweat puddling between her feet.

           The bus stopped by the side of the road, the doors opened with a squeak, letting in a wave of air as hot as the breath of hell. She could hear people standing all around her. The guard outside was using his baton on the side of the bus to punctuate his words.

           Faster… bang… motherfuckers… bang… faster… bang

           She could feel each and every clang resonating straight into the depth of her skull. She heard the guards proceed with the head count. She would not move; she could not move. She leaned her head on the back of the seat in front of her and exhaled slowly, still fighting the urge to puke. She closed her eyes, for a brief instant, believing that the silence outside was a good omen.

           Bang! Bang! Bang! “Who the fuck is still in there better be dead!” Bang! Bang! Bang!

           Precipitated footsteps and before she could realize they had stopped, a hand grabbed the back of her jumpsuit and lifted her from her seat, half strangling her in the process. She threw a glance to the hand’s owner, a mountain of a man, toothless sadistic grin, same orange jumpsuit.

           He dragged her to the front of the bus and threw her to the ground outside. She landed on her back, hard. The sun was slapping her in the face, prompting her to roll over. A pair of well-polished shoes stopped in front of her face.

           “On your feet!”          

           She managed to make it to her knees, her head was spinning, she bent over and puked all over the guard’s shoes. Muffled laughter escaped from the row of inmates.

           She was grabbed once again and dragged to the end of the line. She would have fell on her ass again if it was not for the man on her left steadying her with a hand on her shoulder. He left his hand there until she stopped swerving.

           She suddenly felt water being poured on her head and she involuntary gasped for breath. Her eyes met the ones of the guard, he brought the water bottle to his mouth and drank what was left of the water. He winked. Puzzled by the unexpected and clearly unusual act of kindness, she turned to look at her neighbor, but he was busy looking elsewhere.

           They were paired up and each handed a hi-vi jacket and a trash picker. Her teammate appeared to be the same man who threw her from the bus.

           “Sorry,” about earlier, he said, feeling her gaze on him.

           She shrugged and focused her attention on a Tim Horton’s coffee cup stuck in the bushes.

           “They kind of want us to treat you guys that way,” he continued. “You know, scaring you shitless and all.” He looked at her sideways, waiting for a reaction. “I’m Chad,” he said, reaching his hand out.

           She looked at the hand, looked at the man, looked around and at his hand again. She shook it. “Willow,” she said.

           She moved from the bushes to the side of the road, having her eyes on a glass bottle by a rock. Chad followed. They picked up garbage in silence for a while, she did not want to listen, and he did not know what to say. They circled around and were back near the bushes.

           She discovered an overgrown path between the trees, she walked toward it slowly. She scanned her surroundings, trying to place the guards’ position. The one who drove the bus was standing in the shade of the storage shack, chatting up a pretty woman with a face tattoo. She threw her head back to laugh at something he just said, he took a drag of his cigarette, looking smug. The second guard, the one with the baton and the big mouth that seemed to think he was living a bad remake of full metal jacket was screaming at a young man for not picking up trash faster. The third one… She scanned her surroundings again, there was no trace of him.

           She took one step towards the path, slowly, picked up a used condom and dropped it in the plastic bag she was holding. One more step, glancing nonchalantly towards Chad who was turning his back at her. She slid in between the trees and the branches closed back behind her. The trees were huge and dense, she looked up towards the sky, only to perceive tiny patches of blue. Without the scorching heat of the hidden sun, she felt alive again. It was dark and cool, almost cold.

           She moved deeper into the forest, being unnecessarily careful about where she stepped, making sure not to make noise even if she knew there were no way anyone could hear a branch crack over the noise of the highway. She felt the same excitement she felt when breaking and entering people’s houses in the middle of the night. Her heart beating to the rhythm of her steps. Fear kept her steady.

           She noticed that the path was becoming brighter, she could see a bed of water in the distance, the sun playing on the quiet ripples of the surface. She forgot all about playing Ninja and ran the few steps separating her from the water.

           She kicked off her work boots, unzipped her jumpsuit and got out of her bra and underwear with a giggle. She sat naked on the riverbed and dipped her feet in the water. It was delight. She took support on her hands and brought herself slowly down into the water until she was completely submerged. She swam underwater for a while, coming back to the surface briefly only to breathe. The underworld was as intricated and inviting as the forest above.

           Tired and cool at last, she rolled on her back and let herself float, she could feel the contrasting heat of the sun on her naked body with the coolness of the water underneath her.

           The first plop did not phase her, nor did the second, the third pebbles caught her on the forehead, and she let out a little cry. She went under briefly, caught herself back up, she wiped the water from her eyes and there he was. Guard number three, squatting on the shoreline, looking at her, grinning.

           She swam until she could feel her feet touch the ground. She stood there with only her head above water. He noticed her clothes on the ground and laughed.

           “Skinny dipping, I see.” He stood up and picked up her underwear, faked smelling it, looked at her face, and laughed again. He rolled up his pants legs, still holding her underwear in his hand, and sat by the riverbed, dipping his feet in the water. Willow did not move and judging by her face she did not find any of it funny.

           “Catch!” he said. Her panties landed in front of her in the water. She grabbed them and disappeared underwater before resurfacing and swimming towards him. Ignoring the hand he was offering her, she pushed herself out of the water and walked towards the rest of her clothes.

           She hooked her bra back up and stared at the orange bundle at her feet. The guard was staring at her, any sign of playfulness had left his face, he was taking in the scars on her back. She turned around to face him and he saw the ones on her stomach, noticed the one on her neck.

           “I can’t go back there,” she said.

           The idea of going back in that bus made her queasy. And back again tomorrow, and the day after. Being shoved, pushed, and ordered around like a vulgar criminal. What would he do next? Hang her to make her appreciate life? She was done with his bullshit.

           “Come on now. Get dressed. We’ve been gone far too long.”

           She did not do as instructed, instead she walked to the edge of the water.

           “Don’t be daft”, he said, “what are you gonna do? Swim to the ocean? Live amongst the dolphins? Jump in and we’ll just radio about a naked inmate on the run.”

           “I am not a fucking inmate!!!,” she screamed.

           “You are today, and you’ll be tomorrow and for as long as your father said so.”   

           He regretted his words as soon as they passed his lips. She turned to look at him with a hurt look on her face.

           “You know who I am?”

           “Yes,” he admitted. “We all do. For fuck’s sake Willow, you’re just making it worse for yourself. He’s trying to make a point. Take it, say you’re sorry. I’ll talk to him if you want, I’ll plead your case.”

           She threw her head back and laughed. She looked back at him, gave him the finger, and jumped.

           “Fuck,” he said, “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

           She stayed underwater for so long that he thought she had banged her head and drown. That would have been easier to explain to the warden. She reappeared down the river, waved her middle finger at him and dived back down again.

           He picked up his cell phone from his back pocket.

           “Mr Sandman, sir. We’ve lost her.”