Saving us

"I am freezing and all I really want to do is find this cabin and rest, we have been walking for an hour." Sara said knowing it would infuriate Mark. At this point she didn't care how angry he was. She knew going through with their save the marriage retreat was a horrible idea but wanted to keep the peace, try to be civil. Who was she kidding they had not been civil to each other in months. Yet she found herself in the car driving to a Vermont retreat, in January. What southerner travels to Vermont in the winter? The one trying to prove to her soon to be ex husband that the divorce is necessary, that is who. Neither of them had checked the weather and the snow storm to beat all snow storms was beating down on the state when they arrived. As angry as she was at him she knew this was her fault. Had she not insisted they keep going when he suggested getting a hotel until the snow stopped they wouldn't have slid off the road in the middle of nowhere, she would not have had to call three different tow companies to be told they could not make it out the road until the next day and she definitely would not have been walking in the wind and snow to the only Airbnb in a 60 mile radius. 

After what seemed  like forever the tiny secluded wood cabin came into view.  A beautiful quaint little cabin that Sara was sure had been the sight of many romantic getaways but that is not what this was. No way was this going to turn into some Hallmark Christmas special. No matter how much she loved Mark his infidelity had been the straw that broke the camel’s back and there would be no turning back. This divorce was happening no matter how hard he tried to win her back.

Mark who aside from a few grunts and growls had been silent most of the walk up to the cabin said “ You go on in, I will grab some firewood and be right in.”  The minute he saw the cabin he knew this was it this is how God had intended to save their marriage. Yeah, he had made a huge mistake but he loved Sara and he was sure she still loved him too. They just needed time away to remember who they were before the kids and careers took over. It was in that moment that he decided that no matter how awful or rude or short Sara was with him, he would keep it together and prove to her that their love was real and worth fighting for.

As soon as she opened the cabin door Sara knew she was in trouble. The cabin was gorgeous and cozy and just made you want to snuggle up with someone and listen to the fire crackle with a big cup of coffee. “ Oh no, I am not going to let a cozy cabin change my mind.” Sara thought to herself “ He cheated, he broke my heart, he broke his vows that sort of thing doesn’t just get you a smack on the wrist and do better next time. He need to hurt just like I have.”  The sound of Mark barreling through the door with a pile of firewood startles Sara “Be a little louder don’t think the town over heard you coming through the door,” she snapped. Biting his tongue and reminding himself of his own goal Mark replies “ Sorry, had my hands full. Didn’t mean to scare you.” 

Sara stopped, wait that was kind, Mark hadn’t been kind in months. He had spent the time since his infidelity came to light to act like she was somehow the problem. To get defensive any time she had asked a question but the kindness was rare and caught her off guard. “Oh, sorry. I will start a pot of coffee and put away some of these candles. The owner said a man had set the cabin up for his proposal but couldn’t make it because of the storm. He came down yesterday and stocked the fridge and cabinets so there is plenty to eat if you get hungry.”  “No no no” she thought “don’t you feel bad for barking at him and hurting his feelings. He didn’t care to hurt yours with little Miss. Kari. Kari with an i what kind of name is that for a grown woman”

Sara begins to put away candles and pick up rose petals “ Man this guy went all out, he must really love this woman.” she thought. She found herself wondering how they met, high school? Work? Mutual friend? She remembers the day she met Mark and how she knew her life would never be the same. She had known within minutes that she was irrevocably in love him. He had this bad boy appeal paired with a work ethic like no other and his strong arms that made all the world disappear and protected her from everything. Man those arms, the way they would make her feel safe and fearless from the world but when alone they made her powerless. “NO! Dammit Sara stop thinking about the good things and remember what he did to you. He wrapped those same arms around someone else so you are not special.” she reminded herself. 

“Owner said they have netflix, you want to watch that show you have been binging”? Mark’s voice snapped her back to reality.

“I haven’t been binging, I have been filling my free time while my husband runs around with another woman. Big difference”

“ I probably deserved that, but I really wish you would give this a chance. We are stuck together for at least the night so we might as well try to get along.”

“I guess but don’t expect me to be chatty Kathy. I struggle to look at you, let alone have a conversation”.

“I’m going to make some dinner. Pick a movie whatever you want, even chick flicks” Mark laughed.

While she scanned Netflix she watched him out of the corner of her eye.  He always knew his way around the kitchen in fact it was his help in the kitchen she missed the most. Not him doing the cooking but them working together to accomplish a common goal. The accidental touches the from behind hugs and neck kisses that came along with it. Nothing turned her on more than being in the kitchen with him and those damn arms. Feeling her face flush she knew she was out of her comfort zone here alone with him in this cabin. She could not let him back in, he had betrayed her, broken her heart in ways she never thought possible. Yes, she loved him with every fiber of her being but she was hurt and not sure she could move past this heartache. Of course she wanted her marriage to work it meant everything to her but how? How could she look at him everyday and know that he had not taken his vows as seriously as she had? How could she send him out the door to work, business trips or even to see friends without feeling that anxiety creep up inside and eat away at her? But, how would she move on without him? She would have to move away because every corner of their hometown reminded her of him. Every single day wondering if today was the day she would finally run into him on the street. Even worse, what if she ran into him and he was with someone else? How would she even handle that the man that was her forever just holding hands in public with someone not her. The reality began to set in that losing him was going to be as hard as holding on and she truly had no idea what she was supposed to do. Damn this snow storm and this cabin and the romantic original guest and damn those arms that tend to pull her back in every single time. 

As they sat quietly after dinner for what seemed like forever tears began to well up in her eyes. The stress the anxiety of this situation were just too much.

“ Sara, are you OK?” 

“No I have never been more not OK in my life. Are you serious? You are  literally the one that made me not ok.”

“ I know Sara and I can never apologize enough for what I have done to you.  I betrayed every ounce of trust you placed in me. I wish there was more to say than I am sorry there is nothing else I can say. Nothing is going to make you feel better or take away what I have done. ``

“I just don't understand why. I cannot wrap my mind around this because I know that in a million different scenarios I would never be unfaithful to you. I don’t know what I did to deserve this? I love you with all I have and give my all to you every single day and this is what I get in return?” 

“It wasn’t you honey, it was me being a stupid man. A stupid selfish man, I didn’t think about you or anyone else only my own selfish wants.”  I made a mistake, things weren't going great for us at home and I did the last thing I should have ever done. You everything to me. You are the one person I want to tell when I have had an amazing day and the one I need a hug or a laugh from when it has been a lousy one. Its you in the good days and the bad and I get that now. What do you need from me Sara? I will do anything”.

Both stand in silence for what seemed like forever before Sara looked up at him with tears streaming down her face and said 

“ You! You are all I have ever needed. It wasn't the cheating that caused me so much anger and anxiety and bitterness. It was the distance you put  between us after. It was the once passionate kisses that turned to quick pecks. It was the hugs that seemed like I was pulling teeth to get. The pouring yourself into work and never seeing you. The way you get defensive when I want to discuss things the way you think you know what I can and cannot move past. You are not me! I would move mountains to make this marriage work and you are not capable of having a conversation. You are the one that tore us apart and what I need is you! How crazy does that make me? You are the person that took everything that mattered to me and threw it away the person that took my vision of our marriage and turned it upside down and yet here I stand wanting nothing more that I want you. Not this you that can’t seem to answer questions or the you that fears any form of intimacy and human contact with me. I need the you that made me fall in love all those years ago. The you that made me laugh more than I ever cried, the you who held doors and my hand and told me you loved me. The you that once made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman on the planet. I need you and those damn arms that build me up and tear me down all at once. I know I can forgive you but I am going to need your help to do that. I need those damn arms to hold me and help me put myself back together because I cannot do this without you”.  

With tears filling his eyes Mark wrapped his arms around Sara and for the first time in months she felt safe and protected, she felt like she may just make it through this and she finally knew she wasn’t going to have to do it on her own.