I was mad. I was drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. I did it out of anger. I didn’t mean it. Blame my head, and not my heart. That’s what everyone says, isn’t it? They always try to defend themselves. I’m not going to do that, though. I take full responsibility for what happened, no matter how much it hurts.
Thirty years ago a beautiful girl baby was born to two loving parents. She was named Hope after her brave grandmother who had sacrificed her life giving birth to Hope’s mother. Hope grew up in a wonderful, happy family and became a gorgeous young lady. After being chased by men for years, she fell in love with a man that looked simple, but was extraordinary in Hope’s heart and eyes. This story is her story, my story.
My name is Hope Chase Jackson. I fell in love and got married when I was 29 to a great guy called Leo. Our biggest dream was to have a family of our own and live happily ever after. Shortly after we got married, Leo found out he had a disease that stopped him from having children of his own. We would pray to God every night to let him have children, but nothing ever happened. One evening I came back from work.
“Hey darling,” I said. Leo was looking at his computer.
“How was work?” He lifted his head. His eyes were full of worry and anger like I’d never seen before.
As our eyes connected, we didn’t talk. I tried to read his face and understand what had happened, but I just couldn’t, at least not this time.
I wish I never asked that question. His answer couldn’t have been worse. There is no was I can explain the answer, my heart won’t let me. It was just too horrible. The next thing I knew, I took my bag, and stormed out of our apartment. I took a cab, and told the driver to take me to the nearest bar. I have to admit; I cried a bit in the back seat, not knowing where this relationship was headed.
I was trying to swallow down my feelings with some shots when a familiar voice called my name, one I hadn’t heard in a very long time.
“Haven’t seen you drink like this since our breakup,” he said. It was Jason Connor, my long gone ex boyfriend.
I looked up at him and just stared for a while. His perfect lime green eyes, his tan reflection, his sun kissed hair, and that troublemaker smile I could never get out of my mind.
“Well, well, look who it is. Jason Connor, the heart breaker! So, what brings you here?”
“I heard there was a pretty girl that I knew, at a bar drinking like she has never before. And turns out, that girl’s my ex-girlfriend! So tell me, why the sad face?” He made me smile for a split second; he always had been good at making me smile.
“Let’s just say, stuff,” I managed.
“Stuff? Stuff is making you drink like this? Because the Hope Chase I know doesn’t drink unless her world is falling apart.”
“Well, the Hope Chase you know is now Hope Chase Jackson. She’s changed a lot, so they say.” I held up my ring finger to show him my engagement ring; I’d been playing with it for a while now, trying to decide whether to take it off or not. I could feel my eyes tearing up, so I looked away.
“Hey, look at me,” so I looked at him, “don’t let anyone decide who you are. I’m here if you want to talk, or not, just tell me what’ll make you feel better.”
the first thing that popped into my mind was to ask him to stay with me and comfort me like he used to. I just couldn’t let things get out of hand; I wasn’t that mad. “Just, just stay here with me, will you?”
He smiled and nodded.
The last thing I remember was drinking about five more shoots and the rest was all a blur. The next morning I woke up in a bed that wasn’t mine, at least not for a long while. It was Jason’s bedroom, just the was I remembered it. The same old smell of Axe, and the same way how it always used to be untidy. Then I panicked. What was I doing in Jason’s bed, who clearly wasn’t my husband? I knew the answer very well, just prayed I wasn’t pregnant. I got out of the bed, put my clothes on (they were on the floor, usually not a good sign), and ran for my life. Luckily enough, Jason was in the shower when I was running away, so the big escape was easy. On my way to work, I had major stomachaches and cravings. I stopped at the nearest pharmacy and picked up a pregnancy test. At work, while I was waiting for the result, I was shaking. One act out of anger, just one thoughtless act that I couldn’t remember had caused all of this. It’s funny how one small moment can wreck everything you’ve built up your entire life. That’s what was happening to me. Then the question really struct me: What if I was actually pregnant? Everything was now up to the test. After ten minutes, I checked the lines, and God, help me, it was a positive.
2 years later, and I’m still haunted by what happened. I lost contact with Jason and dogged him at all costs; thus, I never saw him again. I told Leo that it was his baby and that God had finally blessed us. The baby was a beautiful girl with blue eyes like the ocean and sandy hair. It was obvious she was going to be beautiful, and a heartbreaker just like her mommy. Leo named her Grace, after everything we had done for this baby to come to life. Though I went to sleep every night with guilt and fear that one day I would be exposed; I was happy in our little, compact, safe family, no matter how fake or real it was.