Into The Night

I remember I was five or six years old when I first saw the advertiser, I was sitting with my mom in the living room watching the TV when it popped up “the new Artificial Intelligence Robotic Maid” or as they called it “A.I.R.M”, it was the new “big thing” which were robots in the form of humans, like actual human-looking, and I also remember Mom saying something along the lines of “Why would I ever need one of those!?”, and me being a little kid…I never gave it much thought.

Two years later, I fell down as I was walking down the street. A week later I was diagnosed with Friedreich’s Ataxia, a neurodegenerative disorder that basically affected…everything. Me, now needing a companion even for walking…and the A.I.R.Ms have already been in every household, my dad decided to get one for us. It wasn’t even expensive either, It was like owning an E-Brace, or for the older generations; a phone, everyone has it, you just need to sign a few contracts, pay a few monthly installments, and that’s it! It was exactly as easy as it sounded. And because it was that easy, of course, everyone had their own ideas about it, some had their conspiracy theories, others saw it as the next “human-goal” for living longer through a machine, I just saw it as a helping hand.

Anyways, a few days later, it was standing at our doorstep, the A.I.R.M model 2.7, it looked like a girl in her early twenties, pale blue eyes, short blonde hair, it was like a character out of a fairy tale, or my fairy tale in particular, and since the original model name was too long…we decided to call it “Alice”.

Alice was funny at times, caring, it was strange to the point that sometimes you forget that it’s its own job to be so, And other times it felt cold, whether when it was charging on its nightstand, or by holding my hand helping me walk across the street to school, even though the skin they had on it was extremely soft and human-like, it was extremely cold, specially at winters.

My relationship with my parents quickly deteriorated after that. I think I was ten or eleven when I first felt it…felt myself becoming a patient project more than a son, which I was also grateful for, many other parents would just get bored of the constant caring for an all-time sick kid, but mine weren’t. So just like that, Alice became my consort, it even once told me that it was grateful to be with me. Even though I knew it was just the programming, it still somehow felt soothing to have someone to talk to…even a mere robot.

One night, as my dad was scolding me about my school degrees, and as always…he was a bit quick tempered, but that night, it was quick…the hand I felt slapping my cheek, I didn’t give it much of a thought, “He’s your dad, of course he only wants what’s best for you” that’s what my mom always said, but that changed when I saw Alice rushing in, pushing Dad back that he fell to the ground and it stood in front of me, its hands were spread in a T-like pose, it was defending me. “It’s all because of that damned metal head!” He yelled pointing at Alice.

The next day, I heard my door sprung open waking me out of sleep, Alice rushed to my bedside shaking me by the shoulders “Please! They’re coming! They’re going to take me away from you! They’re going to put me in the dark again! Please! You have to do something! I don’t wanna leave! I’m scared of that darkness…”. I remember myself being too stunned to reply, not comprehending what was going on, and I didn’t even have enough time to do so. A few seconds later, men in black and blue with “A.I.R.M Control” written on their chests came rushing in the room, pulled Alice out of the room, and that was that.

I never really understood anything of what happened that morning, nor what it meant. Years passed by, five different A.I.R.Ms with different model numbers that I can’t even remember what we decided to name them, it’s like trying to remember a blurry scene.

The debate of whether A.I.R.Ms are alive or not have always been happening since that advertisement first came up, around twenty years later now and it’s still going, “What is life?”, “What defines a living being?”, or “What makes a human…human?” Were the most frequent questions, I never got the answer for any of them.

Is it the warmth? That feeling when you hold something so dearly into your arms and feel the warmth filling your chest? I’ve held toys out of happiness and felt that same way towards them, I doubt that makes them alive.

Is it the company? When you have memories with something that lives on through you? Does that make it alive? I still remember that apple pie I first had, it made my mouth feel like singing of joy, but I doubt that makes the pie alive.

Is it the trace that you leave behind? When you build something or help someone? My E-Brace helped me through most of my life searching things and messaging people, but I doubt that makes my E-Brace worth anything more than the value I put in using it.

I never understood what she told me at the time, “I’m scared of the darkness”, never knew what darkness she was talking about and why is it so scary until now, until I'm in the hospital laying on what I hear the doctors mumbling and whispering between each other calling it “the deathbed”, turns out Friedreich’s Ataxia eventually kills your heart, just when i thought slowly paralyzing you is enough.

But now, there is this thing that lays heavy against my chest…that sometimes slows my breathing, makes my eyes want to burst into tears, makes me restless at night, or even just the need to scream at the world. I've spent the last week trying to know what this feeling is…why it’s happening, and all I can think about were those last words I heard from her.

I’m sorry Alice, I’m sorry for not understanding you earlier, I’m sorry for not being able to help you or be there for you like you were for me…I only now understand what you meant, I only now understand…because I’m scared of the dark now too Alice, I’m scared to go into that long darkness and spend an eternity in it. I’m scared of dying Alice…and that’s the only way I’m sure of to know if something is alive or not…is from whether it runs away from the darkness or not, I have never wanted to live more than I want to now. Just like you were in that morning.

Goodnight Alice.