Momentary Darkness

This is where it all began. Out on the grassy cliff, staring out at the sun with the wind sending my hair fluttering around me. Strands of gold and bronze that wrap around my face and nearly get into my eyes. Hair that usually sits in a messy bun, not enough time given during my day to do what I wish with it.

I had met my husband here for the first time. I was 19 and in my first year in collage. He was 24 and freshly graduated. There was something about the way he looked at me while on this cliff that pulled me in. A kind of want that not many others have shown me before. I was helpless to his eyes. A fresh romance that blooms out in nature between a man and a woman.

Our love was a whirlwind of romance. Dates and tender moments together. I gave him my heart and soul. We got married before I finished college- I let him convince me to drop out when I was so close to graduating. I tried to work and help support us so we can have a family. It didn’t last long when I wasn’t able to get the chores done fast enough since I was often home late from work.

Something changed in these seven years though. Something is different. I can feel it tingling in my fingertips with the gun that dangles in my hand. There is the moon, drifting across the sky step by step to hug the sun. Lovers that rarely get to hold one another. Lovers like he and I once were. Seldom together but madly in love.

I inhale. The air is frosty- cold and sharp in my lungs and I cough from the feeling. It’s supposed to be April. Why is it still so cold? I look down at the bottom of the cliff and see rocks. Jagged and menacing. No one ever has survived this fall. No one ever will. Am I sure I want to take this leap? Decide between divorce and murder? I know there is the option to stay by how could I possibly do that?

I can hear the sirens passing by and I think about what would be found if I do kill him. My husband dead in his office with his lover laying beside him. Three bullet holes in his chest from the precious 1955 Colt Python revolver and two in her head. Blood on his clothes and blood on her face.

Divorce would be cleaner in a sense. No blood or weapon. No evidence I could leave behind. Just a signed paper and a long battle in the courts. It wouldn’t be hard since I have evidence. I would get so much from him. If I can afford a lawyer that is. I do have savings so maybe I can afford a good one.

But if I kill him then he can’t try to prolong the divorce until my savings are drained and I am left struggling to survive. That man wanted dependence. He wants to leave me with nothing so that I may have to crawl back to him. Cheating and abusive. The slurs he will spit at me for having the nerve to leave him when I am and will always be his wife.

I can’t chose. The moon has gotten closer. Clouds reaching out to one another, longing for that embrace. How could this be? How could I have been this moon and him my sun? Why would I let my life have such a dangerous eclipse? There was so much more I could have done with my life if I had just listened to my mother.

“You are young.” She says. “Just turned twenty-two. You don’t need to get married. Just a few years more and you can have my blessing.”

I should have listened. And now I can’t get a hold of her. I have tried. She either changed her number or blocked me. Had I broken her heart so deeply that she never wants to speak to me again? I miss her. I miss her so much that it hurts. There is such a sharp pain and my lungs feel like they never get enough air.

I can hear a car pulling up the dirt road. I wonder if he has found me, knowing what I want to do and the pain he has caused. I gave him my heart and soul. My body belonged to that man to do as he pleased and the money I once made went to his hobbies. He used me. That man just takes and takes until I have nothing left to give then tries to take more. Doesn’t he realize how much this hurts me?

The car pulls up but I don’t turn around. Instead I stare at the eclipse as the world leisurely goes dark. There are footsteps coming up behind me but they do not speak. It must not be my husband then. He would be screaming and cussing at me if it were. It must be a stranger, someone who was just coming to enjoy the eclipse and saw a woman holding a gun standing three steps too close to the edge-

“Sarah?”

My world stops and the voice from seven years ago echo in my ears. A murmur of a voice that I have been missing. My mother. I turn around and I can see her hair had started to go grey and there are wrinkles starting on her face. Haggard and worried. Did she know I was thinking about her? Or had she come up here by choice like I had so she can watch the eclipse?

“Mom?”

“Can I have a hug?” This request feels so strange but I can’t bring myself to tell her no. I step from the edge towards her. My mother’s arms are outstretched and when I reach them I start to cry. Its slow at first, just a few tears. But as each second passes the tears become more frequent. I sob in her arms. While I do my mother holds me close and says nothing until I do.

“I’m so sorry-”

“It’s alright, honey bear. It’s ok. I’m here now.”

“You were right. I should have waited.”

“Don’t think about that now. How about I take you home with me and we have dinner?”

She strokes my hair and it brings me comfort. I am reminded of a time when I was twelve and dealt with my first heartbreak. A boy my age had stood me up at the school dance. I was humiliated. Devastated. Everyone laughed at me. But my Mother comforted me and she made a statement.

My mother went to the school with me the next day having made me look my best. My hair in ringlets and a ponytail. While I could not wear my dress from the party she dressed me to look as lovely as a flower. I wore what was in style and I wore it with pride. She brought up my confidence and made sure I shined.

She always does that. My mother takes a stand for me no matter what. If there is a message she wants to relay it will come across loud and clear. That night? It had been that I am a girl that you may want to bully and push around but I have my mother and I will always be happier with her than any of them will be with their own parents. She told them that regardless of them thinking that I would show up and be laughed at- which happened- I am still beautiful and my mother will always make sure I feel it inside and out.

This message today? She is telling my husband that I am not alone and I am not going to be pushed around into staying. My mother will be staying by my side yet again and keeping me safe. Im not going to be left alone in this darkness.

With my mother beside me I know I can make the right choice. I don’t need to stay with such a nasty, disloyal man with no regard for me. I don’t need to deal with the screaming he will do and the amount of cheating he will partake in.

I don’t need to kill him either. With my mother I can keep a roof over my head, food in my mouth, and clothes on my back. I will get to work again and make my own money. This life will be mine again to do whatever I want with.

The moon sat in front of the sun and the world went dark. I remained in my mother’s arms crying. She remains my comfort. And as the moon gave the sun a kiss goodbye my crying slowly stopped.

I look out at the horizon with my mother stroking my hair. There is a feeling of serene calm that washes over me. The trees in the distance rustle and sway in the wind. Clouds continue to float along with the moon. All this that I feel gets picked up by the moon and slowly carried away. I close my eyes.

As I look into the black behind my eyelids I can hear the words again. Things my husband never suspected that I would hear. Words his mistress uttered without regard to a married man’s life.

‘Are you sure we won’t get caught?’

‘I’m sure, baby. She doesn’t even know where I work let alone where my office is here.’

‘Well if you are so sure-’

I open my eyes and look up at my mother. She keeps a soft, understanding smile and the gun finally drops from my hand. In this moment my truth cements in my head irrevocably. A clear course of action becomes obvious. I don’t need to kill him. I’ve got my mother with me. Everything will be ok now.

With a deep breath I follow her to the car. It hasn’t changed. It’s still that bluish grey that I have always hated but my mother loves. It brings me comfort. So much comfort. And once I am in that car she drives me back home. No not to my husband- that’s just a house. No… She brings me… home.