It Could Happen to You

For 25 years I smoked at least one pack of cigarettes a day. That meant during that period or my smoking life span I must have inhaled over 182,500 cigarettes, filtered and nonfiltered.

Now I’m lying in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit), asking myself was it worth it having one of my lungs permanently removed. Before the anesthetic took over I heard the doctor telling one of the nurses that my remaining lung should be put on life support system. The human body has two lungs, a left and a right. However, the lungs are segmented into lobes. The right lung has 3 lobes and due the placement of the heart the left lung has 2 lobes.

Counting backwards from 100 I thought about what was written on every pack of cigarettes I ever smoked. The Federal Cigarette Labeling and Advertising Act of 1965 (Public Law 89 to 92) required that the warning “Caution: Cigarette Smoking May Be Hazardous to Your Health” be placed in small print on one of the side panels of each cigarette package.

As my eye lids got heavier and heavier they began to close and that dreamy feeling came over me. I somehow recalled reading on a brand of cigarettes I smoke in Australia. The Australian warning method used six rotating messages covering 25% of the front of the cigarette package. One side panel is entirely given to the labeling of dangerous constituents. The government also requires that 33% of the back panel include the same message and an elaboration of that message that I clearly read in this dream. By law, 75% of the cigarette pack's front and 100% of the cigarette pack's rear must consist of warning messages. Images that included gangrenous toes, rotting teeth and gums, diseased lungs and smoking-damaged hearts. It’s funny what the mind can remember before going under the scalpel.

I was in the United States Marine Corps at the time and my buddies dared me to get in the boxing ring and spar with a kangaroo named Fighting Jack. He was heralded as the “Marsupial Warrior”. I didn’t care if he was Joe Louis or Mike Tyson I would knock him out in the first round. Had I known he was undefeated at 113 and 0. I would have never gotten in that ring with a professional kangaroo boxer, especially after drinking 3 schooners of Archie Rose Liqueur.

It would have also been good to know that Fighting Jack uses his  animal defensive behavior, by using its smaller forelegs (its "arms") to hold an attacker (me, Captain Stupid) in place while using the claws on its larger hind legs to kick some sense into me while slashing and trying in vain to disembowel me.

This wasn’t the first time that I found myself in an ICU. One thing about being gassed is the fact that after you wake up the serious side effects of the general anesthesia that had my mind temporary confused as if I smoked a chronic blunt given to me by Snoop Dogg himself. The kind of dope he was secretly giving to Martha Stewart on the down low and The General, memory loss, dizziness. difficulty passing urine, bruising and  soreness from the IV drip, nausea, vomiting. shivering, feeling cold and a sore throat due to the that breathing tube.

The next morning my wife was there to greet me when I opened my eyes. I softly say to her that I now know how it feels to wake up in Hell. The dream I had in which seemed to go on an eternity would not allow me to wake. This dream about hell was so scary.

I was trying to explain to my lovely young wife Alisa that I have had many dreams of Satan  coming to claim one of his loyal Disciples, about 4 to 6, of them wicked dreams did displayed me going to heaven twice. The dream I had last night went like this. I believe I was in Yambo’s Pool Hall when all of a sudden I saw a big beaming light coming from the rooftop. Immediately I started bursting out in tears and crying asking for forgiveness. As I was crying, I thought I had to find him. I saw him floating like a fallen angel and it was like a bright, beautiful reddish light though and when I spoke I begged for forgiveness not wanted to land in hell and it looked like he was laughing, sort of. Then Satan was asking me about you Alisa and what you would more than likely do if I died right here on the spot. He said that you and Fred our young next door neighbor who you peek out of the window watching him work out by our pool, had become mighty close when I was away on the many business trip to provide for you and our children. Then what startled me most was when he said that many members of our families said that you married Fred right after the million dollar life insurance policy check cleared. Family member stated behind your back that you couldn’t wait and that the side of my bed was still warm. I pointed my middle finger up at the two of you from down below. Then he brought the two of you and I remember asking you to forgive me for everything. The two of you  were looking at me like I was crazy or something. The best thing I remember is getting ready to go down this slide that is supposed to tell you if go to heaven or hell. When you slide on your back to go down it’s like you will see a sign that will turn green or red and the message will change whenever it's your turn inside the slide. When it was my turn, I was so scared as I slid down and the sign turned red and my message was wailing and the first thing that came to my head was the painful screams of the lake of fire and the dreadful sound of torture of day and night. Satan was wearing one of your thongs. You know that skimpy pair that Fred likes you to wear around the bedroom when I’m away. For some realistic reason, the plastic slide was getting hotter and hotter as I went down and I tried to stop myself from going down, but my hands were getting too hot.

Then I woke up with my heart pounding because it was so real to see you bedside and with Fred looking through the ICU little door window.

I can’t say that I actually seen my wife Alisa that hallucinated anesthesia morning, but I will tell you that I never seen her again.

When I got home she had packed and rumor had it through the Mr. Rogers like neighborhood that she willingly left with who I wished drop dead Fred.

I was on Oxygen for about 5 weeks after surgery then went off it. Everyone who knows me or sees me can't believe I only have one lung. All I say in return is that it can happen to you if you don’t stop smoking.