Alice

‘The first time I saw him was yesterday. It’s like he appeared out of nowhere. He was pacing back and forth in front of our house nervously. He looked up at the window of my room quite a few times but his eyes never really met mine. It felt like he wanted to tell me something, but before I could reach out, he disappeared. He was gone in an eyeblink’, I write down in my notebook right before the bell rings, indicating my English class is over. I put my pen down and quickly close my notebook before wrapping up my stuff and making my way out of Miss Raymond’s classroom. “Alice, can you wait a second, please?”, I hear her ask me just as I’m about to exit. I slowly turn myself around and wait for all the other students to leave before I walk over to Miss Raymond’s desk. I look at my English teacher confused but not surprised. It’s not the first time that I get in trouble and because Miss Raymond is the only person in this school I will actually talk to, she’s always the one who makes sure I’m okay.

“Are you alright?”, she asks me, “You kind of space out during class.” “I’m fine”, I answer her quickly. Maybe a little bit too quickly. She just nods her head. “Okay but know that if you want to talk, my door is always open.” “Thank you, but I’m fine”, I tell her before really exiting her classroom this time. I like Miss Raymond. She’s sweet and doesn’t seem to get angry with me when I get distracted during her class. She has never sent me to the principal’s office or gave me any form of punishment. The only thing she has ever wanted to do was talk, which is not that easy for me. You see, I stopped talking when I was eight years old, which is already eight years ago. I had been silent for seven years but when I met Miss Raymond, I finally dared to speak again. Only to her though. I still don’t have the courage to share my voice with anyone else again.

I sigh as I make my way over to my last class before lunch break. When I arrive at the science lab, I enter the room and sit down in my usual spot, which is the back right corner. Mister Nolet isn’t the most considerate teacher, so I know I will probably get in trouble for not paying attention to all the useless things he is going to say. Knowing that there is no saving myself anyway, I take out my notebook and grab a pen. Mister Nolet starts his class and I immediately space out. “Okay, no! I’m not even going to allow this to start. If you’re not going to pay attention then you can take your stupid notebook all the way over to the principal’s office”, Mister Nolet almost screams at me. I sigh and roll my eyes but don’t make a big scene out of it. I should have known anyway. So I grab my notebook and swing my backpack over my shoulder before walking over to the principal’s office. I knock on the door and hear someone scream: “Come in!” I open the door and walk inside the office. “Alice! What brings you here today?”, principal Buckton asks me kind of excited, not a hint of confusion or disbelief in his voice. And that’s, like I already said, because not every teacher is as considerate as Miss Raymond. I spent a lot of time here. Most of the time, he just lets me write or draw or do my homework. I don’t know if he understands or that he just doesn’t care, but I’m not complaining.

‘Mister Nolet kicked me out again’, I scribble onto a little piece of paper before handing it to him. “I see. I think you know the drill, just sit down and do whatever you feel like doing”, principal Buckton answers me. I nod my head and sit down at his desk, putting my notebook and pencil case down on the table. I take out my pencil and open my notebook onto a blank page before I start drawing.

“Alice… Alice…” I turn my head around, looking in the direction of where the whisper is coming from. “It’s you”, I whisper at the sight of the boy I saw pacing back and forth in front of my house yesterday. “Did you just say something?”, I hear principal Buckton ask me in shock. I turn my head back around to face him and shake my head ‘no’. I quickly glance back to where the boy was just standing but he vanished. I look around confused. What does he want from me? And how come I’ve never seen him around before? “Everything alright over there?”, he suddenly asks me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I turn myself back around before quickly looking back down at my notebook. I nod my head to let principal Buckton know that I’m okay as I continue drawing.

After 50 minutes, the school bell rings, indicating that lunch break is starting. I wrap up my stuff before making my way out of the principal’s office. “I’ll see you this afternoon!”, I hear him screaming after me. He probably thinks it’s funny but I really don’t see the humour in it. This is not a joke to me. I don’t know why I can’t concentrate or focus on something for more than 5 minutes without getting dizzy. I need to write or draw whilst someone is explaining or teaching. That’s the only way I take something in without fainting every 5 minutes. But I don’t see how that’s funny. I didn’t ask to be this way. Does he really think I like this? Does he really think I like being the outcast with no friends that gets in trouble all the time? Well, I don’t! I don’t like that at all!

I walk outside and I sit myself down on one of the many benches located on school grounds. I sigh to myself as I look around. Everyone looks so happy, talking and laughing with each other. There’s not a single person sitting alone, except for me. It’s always been this way. I’ve always been alone and I guess you find ways to cope with that eventually. I look down at my hands in my lap as I feel a presence coming towards me. I lift my head up and see the mystery boy standing a few feet away from me. “Alice…”, I hear him whisper once again. I stand up and start walking towards him carefully, scared of him disappearing again before I can reach him. “What do you want from me?”, I ask him as I’m standing right in front of him now. He’s much taller than me so he looks down, right into my eyes, but doesn’t give me an answer on my question. I sigh. “What’s your name?”, I try again. “Why should I tell you? You don’t talk to anyone, so why should I talk to you?”, he firmly answers my question with his own. I’m a bit taken aback by his response. “That’s different. I’ve been through a lot.” “I know.” “No, you don’t”, I say back to him firmly and kind of confused as to why he’s saying that. “Yes, I do. I know you’ve been abused by your own father all through you’re earlier childhood. I know that they took you away from home when you were only 8 years old, and that’s when you stopped talking. You’ve been in the foster care system half of your lifespan already and you developed depression along the way. I know that you’re thankful for the foster family you’re living with now, but you still wish it was different”, he tells me. My eyes widen and my mouth drops open. “How… How do you know all that?”, I ask him shocked to the system. “Because believe it or not, I’m a part of you. And I’m here to warn you.” “Warn me?” “Yes, I’m here to warn you about your future, your happiness.” “I’m sorry but I think I’m not following anymore”, I tell him and I can see him rolling his eyes in annoyance. “I’m here to tell you that you will never be happy, as long as you hold on to your past. You’re never going to find happiness if you don’t let go”, he tells me.

“Alice?”, I suddenly hear someone say from behind me. I turn my head around and see Miss Raymond looking at me, worry written all over her face. I quickly turn my head back around and to my surprise, the boy is gone. “No please. What do you mean by letting go?”, I ask out loud, but no-one is standing in front of me anymore. “Alice, are you okay?”, Miss Raymond asks me as I feel a hand being placed on my shoulder. “I’m fine!”, I scream as I push her hand away and get myself out of this embarrassing situation as fast as I can.

As I run towards the school building, I hear the bell ring, which means it’s time for Math. I suck at Math and after what just happened I really don’t feel like getting screamed at again. So I decide to just make my way over to principal Buckton’s office, saving myself the trouble. I knock on his door and enter his office. “Alice? You got kicked out again?”, he asks me as I sit myself down in the same spot as earlier. I just nod my head and keep myself busy, making sure not to disturb the principal. I open up my notebook and start writing. How did he know everything that happened to me? And what did he mean when he said I would never be happy if I don’t let go? Can I trust this strange and unknown person? I don’t even know his name.

-

It’s currently 11 p.m. and I’m lying in my bed, but I can’t seem to fall asleep. I keep thinking about what he said. What does he mean by letting go? What does he mean by that? I can feel that I’m driving myself crazy. “Alice… Come with me… Alice…”, I suddenly hear. I recognize that voice. It’s like the whisper I heard when I was at the principal’s office. It’s the same voice that boy spoke with. “Alice…”, I hear again and I look over at my window, only to find him standing there. “Come with me”, he says, his voice sounding like a whisper, as he mentions for me to follow him. I slowly walk over to the window of my room to see him running away. I clamber out of it and run after him until I get stopped at a very particular place. “Why did you bring me here?”, I ask him as I look beneath me, getting more scared with every second standing up on this bridge, cars racing beneath us. “You know why I brought you here”, he answers me mysteriously but I have had it with his secretive mysteriousness. “I don’t, okay?! I don’t know what you want from me.” “But you do Alice. Think about this place. You know what happened here”, he tells me as he walks over to the railing of the bridge and looks down at the cars below. I follow his lead before I speak. “My mother took her own life here. She jumped”, I tell him looking down as well. “I know she did, and you have never been able to let the loss of your mother go. You never processed it, you never gave it a place in your heart. You have always held on to her, and that’s why you’ll never be happy. You’ll never be happy without her because she was the only person who ever loved you”, he explains and I can’t believe how spot on he is. Tears fill my eyes as I focus my gaze onto the ground beneath the bridge. “Alice”, he says firmly and I turn my head around. “I’m not real. I’m just an illusion created by your pain and suffering. But I don’t think you need me anymore. You know what you have to do”, he says as he puts out his hand. I grab it and nod my head. “Now, I do. Thank you”, I say back to him and I see a little sweet smile forming on his face, saying ‘you’re welcome’ without words.

We both claim onto the railing on the bridge. I look behind me for one last time before I look up towards the sky. “I’m coming mum.”