Sour Hopes and Expectations

"We're just too different." 

These four words were on repeat in my head. I wish I could understand what's so different about us. Love makes us all the same. Or am I wrong? 

I couldn't sleep that night, words overcrowding my mind. Blurring every thought I had. How could I let go? You're as cold as your touch. Stale voice that echoes every time you're not charged enough. Charged enough with the thrill that awakens every bit of you. But you don't want to share those with me. You'd rather stay alone. There, standing in a shadowy corner with your eyes shut, not caring if anyone else is in the room. 

How could I not see it coming? Your rejection is bitterer than Sunday afternoons. My hopes for tomorrow are still unstirred. 

I remember the day I laid eyes on you. I felt strange then but didn't quite understand what it was to become. I just needed a companion, and wasn't looking for anything long term. So were you. But then again, you weren't so keen about anything romantic in the first place. It happened so naturally, so unexpectedly, and so swiftly, my feelings. But you were so curt and repetitive from the get-go. I could sense I would never get the reciprocity I deserved. 

Do you remember that store? Thousands of steps passed you by while you stood there intact. As if you were made to be revered. I couldn't believe my eyes, what a beauty, what a sight. I longed to touch you but I dared not. I knew I had to pay a price to reach your opulent body. And I did. My soul was revived when you spoke to me. 

"How can I help you, sir?" Were your first silvery words to me. 

"Ah, no, I don't need anything... For now." My words trembled to the rhythm of my body. 

"Let me know if you need me, sir." You said sonorously. 

"O-ok."

At that moment I knew I wanted to take you home with me. 

You see, that day wasn't even memorable so to speak. The weather was uncontrollably weird and I had woken up with the wrong foot. I had dropped my phone, my boss had humiliated me through our group chat, and my car nearly broke down. Reasons I had enough to abhor such a distasteful day until you came along. 

Remember the night we spent together? You said little to no words. You never had a way with them anyway. I was just doing all the talking. You said you couldn't drink because it didn't sit well with your system. I drank for the two of us. Yet I was mostly drunk with your presence. Intoxicated with the smell of new beginnings. I bared your arms, you weren't swayed by my careless touch, nor by the frigid weather, you adapted to it easily while I heated up my hands with my warm breath. We sat side by side almost facing the fireplace. It wasn't too far nor too close so it wouldn't melt your torrid brain. 

You were so fatigued and done with all the assisting and talking you did that day. I still remember how grateful you were for accompanying me. I had saved you from an extensive horrid evening. But in reality, you saved me. 

How can we be that different, you and I, when we both promised the same thing? You vowed to be there for me, and I vowed to treasure you. 

How can we be so different, you and I, when we both speak a similar love language? You offer your support and I offer my company. 

Do you remember the time you were so irate that you barely spoke for an entire day? Your responses were so shaky and terse, I had to make it up to you. You lacked the energy to exert your usual attentiveness. I swear I was afraid that day, afraid of losing you due to my carelessness. We humans can be so frail and yet so incautious. What an unlikely combination. 

Remember the time I took you to my friend Jodie's housewarming get-together? The look on their faces. They could not believe their eyes. The disbelief of the attendance of my “plus one”. You barely said a word, I remember, and so did they. Scared of showing insensitivity and displeasure, Jodie said. I was beyond proud of this, it had always been a dream of mine to pull this off. Centuries of human dissatisfaction at everything we've done, haven’t done, and wanted done. We've never been good at cherishing what we already own, we always want more. This has been my greatest fault, our greatest fault. When I met you, I knew I no longer needed to search, that's it, my quest had come to a halt. And I had sincerely hoped you sought for the same too. Alas, this wasn't the case at all. 

"We're just too different" you uttered that grim Monday morning, and it was like a factory reset done to your system. Or perhaps to mine.

"I thought we complemented each other." 

"I will always give you a helping hand. It's what I was built for. To serve. I was built to serve." 

"So you're saying that you will aid others and leave me?"

"I'm sure there are others out there like me. I can stay with you but if you no longer need me, you can dispose of me." 

"You make it sound so cold and cruel. I never intended to dispose of you."

"Then, what do you expect from me?"

"Nothing. Not anymore."

Your wide eyes staring at me unblinking. I was a victim of your emotionless approach. Though I did not care, nor do I now, this persistent yearning won’t subside. But if you want to go, go. I won’t latch on you. I think of this, but I’m too cowardly to blurt this out. I refuse to force my love on you yet my actions say otherwise. Teach me to be more like you, and maybe we wouldn’t be so different after all. Love sees no inequality. Am I wrong for thinking like this? Yet, there you are again, just studying the room with me included. 

I can’t bear your indifference. I can’t bear it. That’s it, I’ll do as you wish. If you don’t want me, I can’t have your servile conduct either. I don’t care if that’s what you were created for, whether you’re an empath or a pushover, I don’t care nor I want to care. No more. 

“I’m sorry for not meeting your expectations any further.”

“My desires were never fulfilled but it was not your fault. You did what you do best.”

“I’m sorry for not being able to assist you anymore. I wish you the best in all your endeavors.” And like this I bid you farewell. 

It’s quite dolorous for me to admit that once I switch you off I will feel lighter.