Into the Void

“Are you there God? It’s me Medhini” I manage to snuffle as I bury my face in my hands allowing doubt, disbelief and shame to spill out through my tears, drowning out any attempt at simple devotion in reaching out in prayer, performing instead an eloquent dive of spiraling blame and frustration and landing into a vast pool of victimhood and dread.

Sometimes it just gets too much as I try desperately to avoid judging it all. The world appears to have lost integrity as it blindly grabs onto more levels of fear and coercive control under the guise of it’s for everyone’s best interests, along with anything within its reach to feel the safety and comfort of the past, all the while distracting from self-reflection, responsibility, compassion, opening of the heart to more love and freedom.

It is a learning experience for the soul and not knowing the benefits or understanding the existence of the drama triangle at play, surrender, and the power of love, it rolls on for another day until a flicker of wisdom and guidance flashes through the mind, inspired from the higher soul to pay a little more attention to our own guidance, inner landscape and heart space.

I recognize the need for the power of united voices against tyranny and injustice and the distance that compassion and love have to travel to be felt and heard. I see these amazing gifts repelled by blind ideology, egoic attachment, deaf ears and closed hearts and understand the yearning to speak and to be heard in the absence of knowledge that there is more going on than just at the surface level.

I recognize it’s an opportunity for people to step up, speak up and stand up and there are quite a few doing just that, shining their light into the darkness, it’s refreshing and reminds me there is always hope, one has to be patient and take the time for it to reveal itself, after all, it’s all God’s plan for humanity’s awakening and coming home to higher consciousness, unity and love.

It’s hard to watch cruelty being dished out without a breath of decency or flicker of wrongdoing, but I guess that’s the lesson. We can’t only learn one side of the virtues and values we hold so dear, we have to learn both. I for one don’t remember when it was that I learnt not to be that, for without that learning I wouldn’t be where I am today, looking back and knowing there is another way and for that I’m truly grateful. I know to find peace I would benefit from surrendering judgement and letting go of any outcomes, after all we are all souls, and we are all here to learn and grow more into love, but gee can we please do it without pain and suffering and with more harmlessness.

I don’t seem to have the willpower to do anything other than sit and witness the unravelling of humanity, its ego and power-built greed structures as it crumbles and falls, leaving it all for the pages of history and people’s considered opinions and snapshots of events.

It’s mid-winter and today the winds are icy cold and seem to penetrate even the thickest of jackets. The sky is overcast, and rain is light and intermittent, adding to the bleakness of the day and my sense of powerlessness.

I’m trying to find solace in the awareness and knowledge that unconditional love is driving the change and that God and peace are on the way pushing up and out all the hidden negativity in our path for healing, redemption and realization, anchoring the golden age of peace on the planet. I know not everyone is ready for it or will be a part of it as humanity finds it way, one can already see the split.

I am finding it difficult to watch karma playing out on such an unprecedented global scale as my buttons are pushed and anger bubbles to the surface edging me beyond my own imposed and limited capabilities to deal with it. Old patterns seemingly come out of nowhere and slap me head on. I do realise it’s not from nowhere, given we are on a planet that spins and at some point in the future I’m going to run into myself again and again, showing me my thoughts, beliefs and behaviours’ returning to me, not necessarily to haunt me, but rather to see how I’m going with all of it, where I’m at and what I’ve learnt and still to learn.

I did after all ask or a second chance so I shouldn’t be surprised when it turns up unannounced. Sometimes the learning is harsh and my self-compassion detours and defers to criticism as an avoidance of love. I try to remember love and forgiveness not only for others but also for myself and that is my faith.

I struggle with trust and self-doubt, I am blessed to have tools I can use to get me out of my funk, lately it’s taking a bit longer to reach a higher platform on which to stand, discipline never my strong point, however I’m willing to keep going because I know I am worth it.

I’m trying to focus more on myself and less on others especially where there is no joy. Family and friends bring me joy. Shopping for grandkids birthdays is a welcome distraction and so is trying to learn how to knit a jumper for each of them for next winter, it must be a Nanna thing, I wonder how many Pops would admit they do the same?

I have the power of prayer and the divine gift of mantras, ceremony and faith that has been granted to me to raise my vibration and for that I’m truly grateful as I sit and chant, wrapped in a soft warm blanket, surrounded by knitting needles and wool, and snuggled neatly into the corner of my lounge for the next hour or so.

Now where was I, ah yes, back to my prayer.

“I ask that I be a humble servant of the Earth, filled with hope, faith and trust. May I be a light in the world and ray of hope for others as they traverse their universe and find their footing. May I have the courage to keep going and speak my truth. May I open more to love and surrender into peace in the face of adversity. May your love guide us all and keep us safe. May your light, love and blessings blaze through the world and through the faithful to illuminate love and peace for all to see and may we all understand the power of what love and prayer can achieve for us all through your Grace. So be it”.

“Om Namo Narayani”

I surrender to Divine Mother