Just a few moments

TW: Contains some mentions of the mental illness depression, and self harm. Also the mention of death.

Looking at my grandmother making her famous apple & peach cobbler. Her fingers covered in fresh flour that my mom just finished making in her new mini grain maker dad got her for her birthday. 

I never thought it would be this hard to tell the truth to tell my truth. “It never is and never will be,” Daga said. Already I’m just like the real Daga to read my mind and reply back to me with such casualness you’d think we were linked. 

I smiled looking at my family, my dad playing with my younger sister, Nina sitting on his shoulder doing a fake workout. My Dad to Nina’s amusement groaned as if her 90 pound self really weighed a ton while she laughed grunting like a sumo wrestler. 

My family who I am about to destroy and pray they can stick together while I say my piece. Swiftly moving forward from an unknown force in my back, I crash into my mama talking to my grandmother about the  next dish possibly to be made. I should say getting shoved by my best friend's doppelganger more than not. 

Catching me before I hit the ground, “ Woah peaches, you okay, hun ?”, my mom says with me in her arms. Her warm arms, almost like all my favorite comforts wrapped into this single second. “I-I ye-Yeah mom, I’m just a little off balanced,” I say, pulling back to stand on my own. 

I move with my back facing the counter as my grandmother looks worried already. She says, “ Did you have a snack yet, fruit?", already reaching for the extra peaches and apples that can’ fit in the pie. Laughing a lil, tears surprisingly start to fall down my cold cheeks which my mom seems to catch before I turn my face to wipe them.

My mom always observing places her hand on my head lovingly stroking down my poofy curls just quietly saying that she sees me. Boy does it take everything to not sob like a baby from the attention - No, I must hold it together. I wipe my tears as my grandmother asks my dad to tell pear to come eat her snack. 

Oh pear, my older sister by a few hours with a surprisingly grim expression on her face taking a nap or attempting to take one on the popular therapist chair. 

I feel her before she even says a word, Daga looking just as she always does but slightly more intense. I'm going to tell them it just seems harder each minute I stand here. Just give me a minute. I try to say in my mind back to her, I know she can hear me. 

My sister, Giji (nicknamed pear and I’m peaches) heads over to our grandma to get her snack bowl playfully bumping my hip to the beat passing me by. 

Soaking in all the joy in my house my grandma singing along to the oldies bumping her hip to mom getting a smile out of her. Only one missing is my brother who I think should be arriving soon. I'll tell everyone when he gets here nodding my head at the temporary fix. “No.” Daga mouths then says out loud, at first I thought no one would notice but then it happened. 

My grandmother called her out, “Daga, our child from down the road!” my grandmother exclaims excitingly. “Hi grandma, and family, “ Daga’s clone greets my family, moving smoothly to side hug everyone. More like gliding across the floor to everyone except my sister. 

My sister pear who loves Daga probably just as much as I do. My pear who is looking at Daga as if she doesn’t know who she is. I glance around to see if anyone is seeing this, if they notice the cold shoulder that is being given to Daga by her. And as I notice everyone seems to have missed the big side step, I look back over to pear. My sister who isn’t the most observant but the most spiritual person I know and she is staring back at me rubbing her chest where her heart is. Does she know? 

“Yes, to a certain extent, she does.” Daga says appearing behind me. I turned so swiftly to face her, It was almost like I thought of wanting to see her face and there I was already turned. 

I glanced back at my sister to see if it looked weird as it felt and she looked shocked. “How? Can they see you as what I see you as and not what you are? How are you my best friend? Why are you her ?” I think or maybe I say out loud but glancing around nobody seemed to hear my loaded questions. 

“Now, the time is now?” , she replied back to all my questions with one answer I wasn’t asking about. “But I-”, I Really looked at this-this I’m not sure what to call her right now but her eyes were piercing as well as her whole being gave me the feeling of looking up at something I could never imagine existed and she was coming to me as my best friend but really wasn’t, I knew waiting time was over. 

Turning back to my family stepping closer to the side of the island, I peek at my sister who has yet to move and seems to have been watching me with a frown. I start to clear my throat, “Uhmm”, not too loudly I guess as my family’s voices are still filling up the space. I do it again feeling a small cold breeze on my leg “Uhhmm!”. 

They hear me that time as they quiet down and look my way, My dad smiling at me along with my little sister as my mom comes over to lean on my dad’s shoulder at the other end of the island. My grandmother and pear both have a weird frown. Maybe it’s my grandmother looking at pear’s frown matching her as she does look worried. 

“Yes, peaches!” My little sister was the first to speak as usual. “I need”, I stop to clear my throat a little as I start to feel a little tired, “We need to have a family emergency meeting.” I finally got out. I take a pause as my mom asks, “headphones or here?” referring to whether my lil sister can be here or not. I feel a small warmth in my already sweaty cold body just from the immediate action my mom initiates with one question. 

“Headphones, no judgment, please” I say not just for wanting her not to hear this but for the conversation I have to have with them. “Never any here” my grandmother replies back to my silent but clear plea. 

Once my little sister is set, I start, “Hi” I wave at my family as ridiculous as it seems they get it and wave back. “ I have to tell you all something and I want you to remember this specifically because it's important.” I pause to ensure they know how important it is and to breathe. “ I write. As you all know, well a lot, as you also know” my dad nods with a small grin, “ yes, we know”.

“Okay, I journal actually not just write casual” my sister is the one to ask, although something tells me she has peeked in on what. Regardless, I answer, “ how I feel daily and things I think about stuff like that.” She frowns but doesn’t push. “I’m going to cut to the chase and say I wrote some hurtful, and painful thoughts in my journal that you will no doubt find. Some depressing and harmful to myself kind of thoughts.” I get out brimming with tears. I drop my head and my grandmother moves toward me to hold me but Daga beats her to it. 

“Oh Fruit, I’m sure we wouldn’t invade your privacy like that.” shaking her head and reaching to rub my back behind Daga. “No, grandma, what is in my journal are some depressing and harmful to myself kind of thoughts.” I feel her just faintly as Daga crowds my space then they both pull back. Lifting my head, I nod then shake my head, “ It’s necessary but I wanted to speak beforehand, I haven’t been happy for a while”, I quietly told the truth. I tell my family about my depression although like I had a hunch before that Pear knew since she isn’t too surprised. As I told my family about my struggle with depression and the temperature dropped along with everyone’s expression. Everyone still remained silent but they were listening to me break down and share what looked to be breaking their heart as much as my own. 

My dad with tears slowly falling down his brown cheeks into his beard holding my mom closer to his chest as she cries holding her hand to her mouth to hold in the noise. My grandmother with a look of shock and tears going to her soft cheeks while she leans back into the sink. Weirdly, my sister with tears that smeared her cheeks began to smile a little. She said, “ But since you told us, your family, we are aware and can be here for you even more now that we know.” 

I watch as she has already come up with a solution to fix this. Although I wish it were that simple, I give my family a minute to see the hand she is offering me and take it. Warmth, patience, and love is what it feels like to have Pear’s hand in mine. She grabs our mom’s hand and Dad grabs my grandmother pulling her in a little. My grandmother reaches for Daga’s hand but something is off. 

And right when my grandmother touched Daga’s hand, I knew. I quickly wipe my own tears but I know they will continue to fall as I am not done. Grinning at my sister as I release her hand she looks confused but lets my hand go. I tell my family how much I love them and I wished I had spoken up sooner. My mom shakes her head and stands to come to the side of my sister, “No, you spoke up at the time that you needed to and that's okay no matter the time, baby” , she says as she embraces me but speaks loud. 

I pull back a lil and ask to finish where I proceed to mend my family as best as I can before I lose the moment. I tell them how much they mean to me, how I did notice the little things, and loved the many times my family made me feel seen. And what I wrote in my journal wasn’t a reflection of a bad life but a sad one where I couldn’t keep out of my head but they made being here worth it. In the end, my family and I talked it out for a few more minutes each saying how they felt and finally us hugging and speaking affirmations with an abundance of love. The warmest embrace I have ever felt and in this moment I knew it would be okay no matter this moment in time. 

We moved and got up to set the table and my dad came over to hug me extra tight whispering his love for me just being me. And I still held it in, I said I would go to the bathroom and Daga went with me. 

I knew my sister wasn’t all the way convinced but the doorbell rang so she went to get it. And I opened the door to what I knew wasn’t going to really open into  the bathroom. 

I died on my way home due to a reckless driver swerving into my lane 13 miles away from home. Daga was there to collect me and I asked for a few moments after they told me what happened. I asked for just a few more moments to speak to my family before the cop beat me to it. And that’s what I got.