dead winter

*warning!*

God seems to have stopped looking out for me. When bad happens to me it doesn't stop. on my seventeenth birthday my life changed forever. My mother killed herself over my grandfather’s death, he was always there for her, even when she was raped and had me. Even when her own mother tried to kick her out because of me. He was always there for her, and helped her buy a home to raise her daughter, me jade. It was always me, mom, and papa. We were the nice family, the sweet family in our neighborhood. But now there was just me. Being the one who found my mother dead, it would be a surprising shock for most people, but for me…I didn’t know what I felt. I didn't know if I was hurting or if I was angry at my mom and myself. Why hadn’t I noticed her breaking down? She always had a smile on her face. She looked perfect when I cried in her arms at night, wanting my pop back. But why… hadn't she told me anything? We could have helped each other and I wouldn't be alone. Having two funerals in a span of a month hurts a lot. The Funny thing was I was all emotional and talkative at my grandfather’s funeral, but with my mother…I couldn't even look at her casket. I already knew what was in there. A woman with dead eyes wide open, looking right at us. I wore the same black dress I wore to my pop's funeral. A turtle neck dress with small white ruffles at the bottom, I also wore black Mary janes and socks. I felt like I should have gotten a new outfit like everyone else did. But I really felt nothing at all. All my mother’s friends spoke about how nice she was, about how beautiful she was, about how she was like an angel from above. If she was such an angel, like an angel she would have stayed with me forever. Then it was my turn to speak, and I barely made any sense at all, I felt crazy and dumb. At the after party everyone kept whispering about me, saying I must feel so sad, talking about how traumatized I must have been and who will have me now. How dare they? But a week later I was forced to live with my grandmother in a town I never heard of. I had to pack up everything, say goodbye to friends, and leave behind old memories. The town my grandmother lived in seemed was so dull, there were only a few cars and two schools. The house my grandma stayed in was a small red painted brick house, with a dirty welcome mat. I felt everything drop inside me. But still I knocked on the door. when she didn't came I knocked again. Finally an old woman with gray hair and light brown skin opened the door. I saw my mother facing me, I almost dropped everything just to hug her but then reality hit me. “Who the hell are you?” she asked. “Oh... I am your granddaughter.” “ You were coming today? they never told me.” by “they” she meant the government. “Alright come on in.” I stepped inside the home. Startled at how clean the inside was. But it was still small. The living room and kitchen was in the same room, the only thing separate from the living was a hallway leading to bedrooms. “Y’know I am not a charity.” grandma said, pouring a glass of something. “I am being paid to watch your ass.” I stare at her.

“You should be lucky someone wants your ass.” “Why did you kick my mother out of your house?” That is a question I wanted to ask all my life. What did she do? “She had you, she couldn't graduate from a college like a normal girl, no she had to have you.” I felt hot. “She didn't ask for me! I-I was a mistake.” 

“You got that right.” she said with ease. I felt throbbing in my heart, was this really my grandma? “You're sleeping on the couch. I only got one room and that’s mine.” she walked away with her cup, and I collapsed on the brown couch. There were no greetings, there were no smiles, there wasn’t even love. And for the first time in a week…I cried solid tears.

I gave up on God. he isn’t looking out for me, he doesn’t see me, My prayers for a good life hasn't been answered. A few weeks of living with my verbally abusive grandmother. She hated my mother so much that her hatred spilled on me. But somehow I found a way to ignore her and let the small words prick at my skin and bury them deep with every single word. Today I am to join the dull looking high school. I wore a pink crop top hoodie with black jeans, and my dark kinky brown hair was in a braids, I then left the house without saying goodbye. I walked to the high school, It was such a short walk surprisingly. When I got there, there were already multiple students already here as well. I remember when I first started high school at my old school, I was a freshman, I felt so nervous. I didn't want to go. But mom comforted me, told me how lucky I was to get a proper education than most people. I felt so good right then and there, I felt like I could do anything. But now there was no one to comfort me, there was no one to calm my nerves. I stepped inside and I felt like I was in Euphoria. The teens were freaking smoking, something I can't say. They were people making out in the background, and the school was very dirty. There are papers, tissues, and dead cigarettes on the floor. And brown stuff -I think it was dirt-on the floor as well. 

I didn't even try to make eye contact with anyone. Just made my way to the locker and first class which was English. As soon as I opened the class door everyone turned to me, their eyes judging me in five different ways. I slowly made my way to a seat when the whispers began. “Isn’t that Lola's granddaughter?” “I heard she saw her mom kill herself.” “no! She killed her mom right?” I bury myself in my chair. Feeling drained already. But when the teacher Mx.Lasis bustled into class I was forced to introduce myself. “I am Jade Thompson, I am seventeen years old, I live with my grandma.” a few boys snickered at how my voice squeaked as I spoke. (when I feel nervous my voice usually gets an uncomfortable high tone), “do you have any hobbies?” Mx. Lasis asked. If I had a hobby it would probably be lying on the couch all day watching cringe k-dramas. “Nope!” I said quickly, sitting down, and letting everyone continue to judge me.

At lunch I was the sad new kid like in the tv shows. I sat by myself in the back, as everyone watched me. As I was busy stuffing down a classic pb&j sandwich some boys walked over me. All of them were senior looking guys. “Welcome to high school, Jude!” said one of them. I was surprised at how nice he was acting, he was the first one out of everyone. I ignored the fact he got my name wrong. “Hi, I guess.” " I am Darius and these three boys are my friends, Rob, Ted, and Ash.” how stereotypical. I thought. Darius continued. “Anyways we love you to do the school indentation, every freshman must do it.” intrigued, I asked, “what is it?” “You must stand on the table and sing the national anthem.” That sounded odd. “Um…why? I would be humiliated.” I took another bite of my food. “Oh come on! You must do it! Everyone did it, right guys?!” Darius asked the student right next to us and they nodded their heads in agreement. A part of me didn't trust any of this, but another part of me wanted to be a part of something and show I was just like everyone else. I stood up on the table and everyone started to watch me. I sang the anthem, I sounded terrible but I didn't stop. they were all laughing. even freaking Darius was laughing. Why was I so stupid? “Welcome to high school idiot.” Darius said with a hateful grin, they walked away from me and I knew it was about to be a bad year.

I was forced to Indore the bullying Darius and his goons did to me. I never had bullies before. I was always the nice one, but now I felt hatred and anger at everyone. One time I told the principal about Darius pouring bleach inside of my juice at lunch, luckily I was able to tell before I swallowed it. But he totally brushed it off with a “don’t worry he didn't mean anything about it.” I felt so angry at him. But it didn't stop there, they would put threatening notes on my desk, I would find rotten sandwiches inside of my locker. They would call me names and slurs like brownie. but nobody cared at all and after three months of all of it, they finally pulled the last straw. I had to use the bathroom while I was in algebra class. I thought I was alone but I was being followed. I used it but I was washing my hands some one came behind me wrapping a hand around my mouth. It was Darius, he shoved me up against a wall pinning me. “This is violating all the laws!” I shouted, feeling obviously terrified. “Oh yeah? Well I am transgender.” “That is a totally different thing and you know it, asshole!” my blood was at a high level of heat. “Get out before I scream.” I said, “scream and I'll hurt you.” I rolled my eyes not giving two shits. I slid underneath him making my way to the door when he grabbed my shirt slamming to the ground, he kicked me hard in the side and I groaned out of pain. I tried to get up but he hit me again, but this time in the face. I felt blood trickle down my nose. I shouted but he ignored me. But after a beating, he grabbed me by the shirt dragging me to the toilet. I started to pull away, tears running down my face. I saw these scenes on tv shows and series, the main loser character or anti-hero gets their head dunked in the toilet, being forced to drink dirty water. 

I fought him as my head was literally over the toilet bowl, I started to scream for help but no one came. Suddenly, like a rush my head was inside it, I was in there for what felt like an hour, but my head was lifted back up. As Darius laughed like an evil villain, tears poured out of my eyes. My whole face down to my shoulder was wet. But the torture wasn't over. I was dunked three more times until

Darius tossed me to the side with that hateful smile I saw on my first day of school. “Hope you had a great shower.” he said, then walked out leaving me on the floor. I curl on the floor feeling numb.

As soon as school let out, I ran away, but I didn't go home. Instead I ran around the town, I ran around five times until it started to snow. I hated everything about my new life, I hated Darius, I hated my grandma, I hated my new high school, I hated my mother leaving me alone to defend for myself in this cruel world. I hate it! “I never felt so much hate in all my lifetime.” said a deep voice in the distance. I didn't realize but a deep mist came out of nowhere, it was so deep I couldn't see anything. But a tall thin man came out of the mist, he wore a black trench coat and a black hat, he mostly wore everything black. Soon he was standing before me, his skin was so pale and his eyes weren't visible to me. I felt a sick feeling of fear so I turned to run. But the mist stopped me. “Don't run, I am a friend.” “I-I don't even know you.” I stumble over my words. “Well I go by many names, you may know me as Beelzebub, or Baphomet, but please call me devil.” he lifted his head revealing his blood red eyes. “What- you can't be the devil…” but I was staring right at red eyes, and I felt something dark coming off him. “Why are you talking to me?” “You need help, and I can help you.” 

“Help me with what?” “revenge.” he said grinning at me showing white sharpened teeth. “Revenge for who?” “Everyone that ever tested you jade, I have been watching you and I saw what dumbass Darius did to you today, the humiliation you must have felt, walking around the school smelling like poop.” I felt my anger rising, I clench my fist as he spoke about my day. “I can help you get your revenge. All you have to do is make a deal.” “A-a deal?” “Sell your soul to me and I can give you power you have never seen before.” I felt hesitant, make a deal with the devil? Doesn't that end you in hell? But… God stood me up, he hasn't done anything for me, I have been alone to defend myself and fight for myself, why should I care about what happens to me now? I opened my mouth as I said. “Alright, let's make a deal.” the devil’s grin became even wider. “Yes!” he shouted as he lifted his hand and started to shift the scenery. We were suddenly in a dark place filled with glowing white orbs. “Welcome to the nothing!” his voice echoed throughout it. “Where this nothing?” I asked. “It is underneath the world far off from the of the world." The devil told me to place my hands on my heart and whisper these words. “I give myself up to you, I give myself up to darkness, I give myself to the devil.” Suddenly a bright light came from my chest. The devil touched the bright light and pulled it out, a bright blue orb was coming out of me, I never felt such pain as he continued to pull, I screamed from the it and when it was finally over I collapsed to the ground. In the devil’s hand was a small light that sounded like a heartbeat. “Is that my soul?” I asked. “Yes…who knew a small thing could carry so much…power…” I stood up and said. “Now hold your end of the deal.” his eyes were filled with laughter, “of course.” he blasted me with some type dark energy and it burned my skin but I felt nothing. “How do you feel?” “weird...” again an evil smile spread across the devil’s face. “Good, it's been a pleasure doing business with you.” and suddenly we were back in the town and the devil was gone it was as if he was never there…

When I came home I was greeted by my grandmother. “Ugh now you come home you little f-” “I am not in the mood for your bull crap.” I said my voice was cold and hard and it surprised her. “Excuse me?” “you heard me.” I turned to leave but I felt something hit me. I was shocked to see a cup on the ground next to me. “You are done you little wrench, I welcome you to my home, and feed you and this is how you treat your grandmother?!” I felt something snap inside me as I watched her scream at me. Was it because I felt nothing anymore without my soul? Or was it because of my new found power the devil gave me? I didn't know. With a blink of an eye I was in front of her, she jumped at the sight of me. “How did you do that?” she said her eyes filled with fear, I liked it. “You're a nasty old woman filled with hate.” “y-” “no I am speaking.” I shouted. “I don't know why you hated me for the last three months I have been with you, you were mean and terrible and I had to endure it…not any more though.” my eyes turned a deep emotionless black, as a red type of energy spilled from my hands, “what are you doing jade?” grandma asked with a small sweet smile on her face. I gave her a smile as well, but it was a smile filled with nothing. “What I should have done a long time ago.” I stabbed her with my hand sucking out the life force in her, she didn't scream at all. Her mouth and eyes were wide open. blood spilled from her mouth, and when I was done she fell. For some reason I felt powerful taking her life, I could feel it running through my vines like a strong drug, and like a drug I felt so high. I stare at my grandmother’s dead body, feeling nutty as I look at it. "Where are you going next?” the devil asked, appearing behind me. “I am going to the school.” I said stepping over the dead body. “What are you going to do at the school?” he asked, I stopped and looked at him hard in the eyes, a manic smile on my face. “I'm giving them hell.”