Conversations on Watch

“What?” Raff exclaimed, taking his eye off the scope and staring at me. “You had to tell me this now?” 

“Why not?” I responded, keeping my focus on the landing pad through the lens of the charged pulse rifle. “Not a whole lot going on until the Captain and the Ambassador get back.” 

“It’s a little bit of a bomb to drop on a guy.” 

“Well, it’s not about you, now is it.” 

“Come on Syl, you know whatever you decide we’ll support. But we work with you, and you know...” 

“I’ve just been holding on to some shit, things I’m supposed to do. Things my parents want from me. I’m done.” I looked up from the scope into his eyes. “I just want to be me.” 

We both went back to our job, checking the area for any possible incursions from the locals. 

“What happened to bring this on?” Raff said after a couple of minutes, a bit calmer now. 

“This thing with the Ambassador. Sure, it’s an exalted baby-sitting job, but she got me thinking, what with all her talk about life, the energy we choose to live in, and who we choose to be. And now, she’s out there trying to find out the truth, what really happened, putting herself in harms way. Not like most ambassadors I’ve seen.” 

“What exactly did she say to you, or was it the sweets she brought from your homeworld?” 

I smiled, my eye still glued to the scope. “Yeah, the treats were good. It’s been a long time since I tasted them.” 

I thought for a minute about the conversation with the Ambassador while in slip space, reconstructing the points that impacted me to really think about letting go of the thoughts and structures I’d been questioning.  

“She said that our lives express the culmination of all that we experience. Sometimes, in all that collecting, we embody and hold on to identities that others put on us. Society, religion, our parents, training, and even friends have their own ways of thinking about how to be, taken from their own experiences. We accept all this as fact without even considering it's all just made up to support someone’s idea of the world.” 

“We what?” 

“We just accept the way the world works because someone else said that this is the way it’s supposed to be. Even if it makes no sense to us, we’re just supposed to suck it up, accept it, and live in it with our mouths shut.” 

“You’re starting to sound like a rebel, Syl.” 

I smiled at that. Maybe a little. 

“The Ambassador said that at some point, we have to ask ourselves where did it all come from? When did it start? Why do I continue to embody this way of thinking when it makes no sense to me and feels wrong in my body?” I paused a moment to let it sink in.  

“We keep doing it because we want to belong,” I continued. “We want to fit in. Standing out, being different, that’s hard. But inside, we know it’s not right.” 

Raff thought about this. I felt his mind churning, even as he kept an eye out. 

“Hey, what’s that at 2 o'clock?” he said turning the pulse rifle slightly to the right. 

Turning my scope in the same direction, I saw three people coming out the rear door of the main building.  

“Three bodies, unarmed. Looks like maintenance.” 

“You keep them in your sights. I’ll watch the other side.” 

I continued to observe the small group as they made their way along the side of the building, rounded the corner away from us, and disappeared. 

“They’re gone.” 

I felt Raff nod his head. 

“So, what else did she say except to fuck with your head and tell you everything you thought was right is just fiction, made up shit?” 

“It wasn’t that she told me this stuff. I’d already been thinking it. She just supported my thoughts, made me feel like I wasn’t alone, I wasn’t wrong or bad for thinking my life should be different.” 

“How so?” 

“Well, my body feels it. Like, my mind races sometimes with all the thoughts. I can’t sleep, wondering why things always go wrong when I try to be what others want me to be. It’s like the thoughts blast through, forcing me to face the truth that I’m just following a path others set out for me, so they feel comfortable. It’s not even about me.” 

"Are you going to leave us, the force, Syl?” 

“Oh hell no, Raff. You’re my family. It’s not about what I do. It’s about who I am doing it.” 

I thought for another minute, then opened up completely. 

“I mean, why am I holding on to an identity of sexuality provided by a hierarchy of male privilege created to ensure the heredity of wealth that was manufactured centuries ago? This identity, the duality of male/female, it’s not even real. We know that there are more than two sexes biologically. There are numerous ways of expressing gender and sexuality that go far beyond the duality of heterosexual and homosexual. These words and boxes are archaic.” 

“What the fuck?” Raff looked at me again. “What do you mean?” 

“Dualities are creations of the mind to try and make order of a universe that we don’t understand and want to control. We try to structure this universe so it makes sense to one group of people that hold the most power. Yet, this duality and labeling is proven over and over not to work. It’s all in the mind. It is not truth.” 

“So, what? We’re supposed to do whatever we want instead? Anarchy, is that what you want?” 

I smiled. I am not an anarchist, even the kind, hopeful, let’s all help each other and get rid of the greed for power kind of anarchy. 

"No Raff. Being ourselves and saying no to what others want us to be does not leap to anarchy. It’s asking, who am I in this body, and then having the courage to be that person, even when it makes others uncomfortable.” 

“Like me now.” 

“Yeah.” 

“So like, who are you, Syl?” 

“Such a great question, Raff. Thank you. I don’t know all of me yet. I think it changes and morphs over time. But I do know that every romantic relationship that’s been with a man has never felt right. Maybe that’s why they all end up with me in charge, they get all scared, and then run away looking for something else. Maybe, it’s because I’ve never let myself be me and explore how I feel about women.” 

“Well, I know some guys on the force who are gunna be disappointed that you’re dousing their dream of ‘maybe’ with you.” 

“Oh Raff,” I chuckled. I knew what he meant even if he didn’t say it. 

“Well, Syl. No matter what, if this is what you want, letting all that other shit go and figuring out you, you know we got your back.” 

“Thanks, Raff” 

“Hey, 10 o’clock. It’s the Captain coming in fast. Let’s get ready to bolt.” 

“I’m on it!”