A Suspicious Phone Call

“Hello?  He-llo!?  Is anyone there? HELLO!”

‘Uh yes…Good day…”

“You’re lucky! I was just about to hang up! 

“It must be a bad connection, sir.”

“Maybe…but I think that you must mean ma’am.”

“Oh yes…I am very sorry for my mistake, please accept my apologies…ma’am.”

“Whom am I speaking with?”

“Yes, ma’am. This is officer Joseph and I am calling from the Canadian Revenue Agency, badge number 55- ”

“Your voice sounds very familiar…do I know you from somewhere?”

“No, I don’t believe so. As I was saying, I am calling from the Canadian Revenue Agency headquarters in Ontario, Canada and we have noticed a discrepancy in your personal records…”

“What kind of discrepancy?”

“The reason for my call is to notify you of potential legal consequences regarding tax fraud found within your audited file…”

“That sounds horrible!”

“Yes, this is an extremely serious and time sensitive matter. To confirm your identity, may I please have your name?”

“Wait! Shouldn’t you have my name on file already? I mean you are calling me!”

“Yes, ma’am, but this is to confirm that I am speaking to the actual person to which these legal issues are levied against.”

“Oh, I see.”

“And your name is?”

“Doris… and it is spelled D-O-R-I-S.”

“And?”

“Yes, my name is Doris….and my middle name is Marie.”

“May I also have your surname, please?”

“Schmeltz.”

“And how exactly do you spell that?”

“You know, I find it extremely peculiar that you wouldn’t have that on file already.”

“Ma’am! As I explained previously, the Canadian Revenue Agency takes identity theft very seriously. This is the process we use to verify that I am indeed speaking to the real Ms. Doris Shmaltz!”

“Schmeltz!”

“And how do you spell that?”

“S-C-H-M-E-L-T-Z.”

“Thank you!”

“I am very sure that I have heard your voice somewhere before…”

“Ha! People tell me that we Goverment of Canada employees all sound alike…”

“Hmmm….I suppose so….”

“So Ms. Schmaltz…”

“Ms. Schmeltz you mean?”

“Yes, that is what I said…”

“No, I am fairly certain that you said Ms. Schmaltz!”

“Ms. SCHMELTZ - I am happy to inform you that we have almost completed your personal authentication process-“

“That is very good, as I would really like to know what this supposed issue is!”

“I truly appreciate your continued patience.  I have it noted here that, until recently, you’ve been an upstanding Canadian citizen -“

“Wait!  What do you mean until recently?  I am very much so a responsible and upstanding citizen and I do not like what you are implying right now!”

“I am very sorry if I have offended you Ms. Schm- ma’am!  I am certain that there was just a simple mistake on your part.  Thankfully, due to your prior stellar history, I have some very flexible payment options for you.”

“Flexible payment options?  Are you trying to tell me that I owe money to the Government?”

“Yes, I will get into that subject shortly.  The good news is that we are dealing with this problem now.  If this issue hadn’t been handled within the next 24 hours, the Canadian Revenue Agency would be allowed to put a lien against all of your assets and bank accounts.”

“That sounds extremely serious!”

“Oh it is, ma’am.  I am currently dealing with many files that have registered criminal cases for tax fraud in our federal court house! I would hate for you to deal with any nasty red tape.”

“Oh dear! I am just a senior on a limited income.  I can’t afford a fine! Or a lawyer!”

“We certainly don’t want to take legal action against a nice lady like you either, Ms. Schmaltz, I mean, Ms. Schmeltz.  However, may I please have your social insurance number to complete the personal authentication process?”

“I don’t know about that.  Actually, I am wondering if maybe I should discuss this issue with my son…or maybe even my accountant.”

“You are definitely more than welcome to do so, ma’am.  However, I must warn you that time is of the essence!”

“Oh?”

“Yes, if we don’t receive payment via credit card or gift card soon, you will be taken to collections immediately.”

“Well…I certainly do not want that…. However, I don’t feel right about giving out my social insurance number over the phone!”

“I can assure you that we keep all of our records and phone conversations completely confidential!”

“Still…I don’t know about this….

“Okay, Ms. Schmeltz, may I please have your address instead?”

“I still don’t quite understand how you don’t already have this information on file…”

“Ma’am….I explained that alr -”

“I know, I know! You need it for some authenticating purpose! Okay…I live in Mundare… M-U-N-D-A-R-E….”

“And your street -“

“The province is Alberta …. A-L-B-E-R-T-A.”

“Please could I get -“

“And that is all you are getting from me!”

“Okay…I understand your hesitation and am able, since you are such an upstanding citizen to provide one other alternative for you. If you are able to give me a deposit via credit card or gift card, I would be able to extend the abeyance on your file for an additional week.”

“How generous of you…”

“I just want to help you out, Ms. Schmaltz…”

“My name is Doris Schmeltz. Hey! Wait a minute! Now I know why I recognize your voice!”

“Oh, but I am certain that we’ve never met!”

“But didn’t you say that your name is Joseph?”

“Yes, I am Officer Joseph, badge number 55 -“

“Your mother’s name wouldn’t happen to be Mona, would it?”

“Those are very common names, ma'am!“

“I know that, but I am certain that that is where I know you from! You sound exactly like Mona Turkov’s son, Joey. Their whole family is from where I grew up in Tofield! I went to school for years with Mona! I was even at your sister Linda's wedding last summer!”

“I assure you that I’m not - “

“But I thought she said that Joey was high up big shot with some kind of charity foundation. She is always bragging about her philanthropic son. You must have gotten yourself a big promotion or…something.”

“Hello? Joey…Joey? Are you still there?  I guess we must have gotten disconnected! Isn't that something! I'll have to give Mona a call!"