Making up requires Mayhem

My eyes watered as I rubbed the crusty symptom of sleepiness from my eyes. I am almost done editing the last episode for season two’s podcast. My ears prick as I listen for the right cue to put in the laser beam blast tweaking the start of the sound effect every nano second, because it just doesn’t sound quite right yet. Frustration bubbles up as I can’t place the SFX in between a moment that I know would be the perfect place. 

“Tsk.” I lean back into my chair, my vision straining from the laptop to all around me. I moved to London after graduating college with a masters in Audio engineering and it was the best thing I had ever done. I found a job that I absolutely adore as an audio editor for the prominent pod-cast Detective Glitch. I made friends that I can trust, found and lost love multiple times which is what a good life is about. Everything before London washed away from my mind. 

I looked at the time, 11:07 pm. It would be a little too early to text mom to check in with her. 

“Hey Auden, Would you like another vanilla coffee?” Jessie asks over her shoulder as she polishes another green mug. The word coffee itself sounds weird to both of us as it has been a constant latte, mocha, ice blended, etc.

“I’ll have an iced green tea actually.” I say as I click on the save button so I can comfortably get up to pay at the register. I still can’t get over how forgien my American accent sounds. I’ve gotten comments that it sounds sexy but if anything it just sounds annoying to me. 

“Ooh, almost done editing already?” I nod yes. 

“Can I take a listen?”  I raise my right eyebrow at her, which I know makes her envious. She can’t do a spock brow. She claps her hands together watering her green eyes and pouting her lips. 

“I’ll consider it as tip money for the month.” I smile at her, as I put my card into the chip reader. 

“Are you trying to bribe me?” 

“Is it working?” She whispers. The reader meeps at me and I follow the sound by putting my card back into my pocket.

“As long as you don’t say anything.” I whisper back. 

“I never do.” She squeaks a little going back to making my tea. The chimes on the door clutter against each other delicately signalling that another customer has entered the building.

“Welcome!” Jessie says in the most welcoming and upbeat tone she can muster at 11:11 at night. 

“Auden?” My entire body goes stiff as I recognize that excited voice. I ball my fists to keep them from shaking as I turn to see my childhood friend, high school sweetheart Will. 

“Hey Carlos.” I muster a smile. Life before London flooded my vision. All of the unnecessary drama, the late night texts, the butterflies, rollercoaster thrillers. Memories of sparks and fireworks flooded my eyes, as if my fingers were rusty coils and electricity sparked and fizzled. You know the bell sound effect in comedic movies meant to be bad and in children’s shows where the character finally realizes something important about themselves. For me it was the ting of a hammer falling on red hot iron. 

I can’t get over how bright his brown eyes are, or the fact that he’s even happy to see me. He comes closer and takes a look about me. 

“Wow. Hi. How are you?” He’s about to go in for a hug but what I remember him as flashes in his own eyes. 

“I’m doing great. How about you?” I initiate the hug. Carlos hadn’t really changed since senior year. Still bearing the 50’s greaser style, fluffy curly hair getting in the way of his eyes. And still won’t openly talk about his emotions. 

“I’m doing fucking fantastic.” Another thing about Carlos is that his excitement and passion is infectious. “Never in a million years would I ever think I would see you again.” 

“I can say the same thing to you.” I say running out of ways to continue the conversation. I’m at a blank as to how to talk to someone so happily and excitedly to someone who said that they wanted to opt out of your life. “Jessie, would you mind also making a regular medium vanilla latte with 2 tablespoons of cinnamon.” 

The fact that I remembered his usual brings a smile wider than a full moon. I pay for his drink as he is still taking me in.

“So, you’ve changed.” He gestures to all of me as I sit down while he waits for our drinks at the counter. Jessie makes sure that he knows the iced green tea is mine, giving him oggly eyes. I am disappointed in myself when I find out that other people giving him eyes still makes me jealous. His eyes were still on me. 

“I have.” My voice wavers as he picks up both of our drinks and brings them to the table I’ve been occupying for the past three hours. Last time he saw me I still had long blond hair and dressed on the more feminne side. I still identified as a cig gender female. “I figured out that I am non binary.” I say as I pull my dyed silvery-white hair back. 

“Tattoos now. Does your mother know?” He was super close to my mom, and would often joke about it. He realizes how dry that sounded as he says it. I don’t even try to hide the cringe. But it feels like a good cringe. “Sorry. Bad joke.” 

“It’s fine.” I wave it off looking at my arms, now suddenly aware that there are tattoos on them. “Yes she knows. She’s still getting over it. Her perfect daughter is now her child who threw tradition out the window. Quite literally. Anyways what brings you across the pond? What have you been up to?”

“Well…… If you must know, I’ve been hired to custom make swords for a film, that I legally cannot say, and I am also teaching some of the actors how to wield them.” 

“Really?! That’s awesome Carlos! I’m so happy for you!” I always knew his passion would take him places and here he is. 10 years after we parted ways doing what he loves. My heart stammers remembering that was one of the reasons why I fell so hard for him. He had always seen the world for what it could be. And I wanted to be a part of that world to be. 

“Thank you.” He nods as he sips on his coffee. “What about you? Still typing away at a computer after all of these years?” I smirk. 

“I am co-head editor of the podcast Detective Glitch. And I still write, but I haven’t had the gull to publish anything.” 

“Why  not? You’re a fantastic writer?”

“Maybe to a high schooler to another high schooler who didn’t really enjoy reading too much.” His shoulders drop and roll his eyes. 

“What happened to the Auden that was going to take the world by storm?” He knows that he struck a chord. My eyes prick and my throat clenches. I open my mouth to say something. Anything but I can’t even make a sound. “Tell me about Detective Glitch.” He changes the subject for me. 

“You should listen to it and find out for yourself.” I hold my head up high. 

“You suck.” He scoffs at me. “You would know” I think before I sip my tea and then look up seeing his eyes are wider than saucers. 

“Did I say that out loud?” He nods yes as he falls into a spasm of laughter that leaves me laughing. 

“I’ve missed you.” He says out of nowhere which silences me immediately. As fast as the laughter left anger bubbles in my stomach. 

“Funny that you say that even though you were the one who said you wanted out of my life.” His mood switches too. 

“Are you a savage now? Are you just going to poke at all of the insecure parts?” He replies cooly back. “You were the one who told me to make a choice.” 

“You were the one who called me drunk that day, saying you wanted to hang out as friends, and after I asked if you wanted to go out for lunch and then you ghost me, I think I had to make that call. Don’t forget I wasn’t the one who broke things off because I couldn’t do a long distance relationship.” His face goes from pale to red. “And don’t forget the aftermorning Snapchat pictures I got from all of your streaks, who were people I didn’t even like or hung out with. Do you not know how emotionally scarring that is?” 

“I didn’t know that.” He takes a carefully planned sip of coffee. “Sex was a way of coping.” 

“I’m not going to judge you for that.” He looks up at me confused. Expecting a completely different reaction. “It’s not healthy in my opinion. And how you shared that was an ass hole thing to do.” 

“Well I am an ass hole.” 

“Just because you keep saying that doesn’t excuse you from continuing to act like one.” I struck a chord with him. I watch him process what I just said, also hearing Jessie trying to contain commentary to cheer me on. 

“You know what. You didn’t come to London just to bicker with me. I’m going to go home.” The word home hung heavy on my lips as I saved my progress again, shutting down the program and my laptop. Suddenly I feel 20 again. Wishing he would stop me saying I should stay. Him casting a line instead of me. I’m sick of feeling that hopeless optimism. Another part of me wants to lash out saying I’ll see you in hell. But I remained silent in my painful retreat. 

“I want to talk this out.” I almost didn’t catch him as he himself came to this realization. This entire conversation makes me wonder how he even passed high school and then I remembered those long study dates at the library where we’d goof off reading manga. 

“I want to talk this out.” He repeated once more this time louder with more purpose. “Because I don’t know if you feel the same way I am feeling but I am still in love with you. And I want to work it out. I want this to work.” I ball my hands to keep them from shaking. How many times had I wished he said that years ago? And how bitter it sounds now, years after almost forgetting all about him. 

“I think you’re still in love with the idea of me.” I choose my words carefully. “We are entirely different people than we once were in high school.” 

“I would like to get to know you again.” In sullen optimism he fixes his posture looking straight at me. I look down at my tea, afraid to say yes, but knowing I would be too disappointed to say no. But no is the safer route. 

“I would like that too. I would like to get to know you again. But you cannot just shut me out when you can’t handle your emotions. No more ghosting. If you’re going to be a part of my life, friend wise or romantically wise I would like you to be actively a part of my life and I will be the same for yours.” As I am saying this he’s already grabbing my bag and taking my hand. My hands zapping electricity up my arm and through my body. I’ve been missing this connection. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Well, I don’t start lessons until thursday. I’m jet lagged and in a different continent yet to be explored by me. I think getting lost with you would be a perfect first date.” 

“You haven’t even asked me if I wanted to go on this date.” I say in an exaggerated snobby attitude. He clears his throat and kneels down putting his chin on the top of the back of the chair. 

“Auden, would you like to go on a date with me?” 

“Yes.”