Fear

     Dylan woke up with a start.

     It took her a few minutes to realize she was in the hospital. But she didn’t care. Couldn’t care. Couldn’t think. Couldn’t function.

     Her whole body was trembling.

     Her head was throbbing.

     She was breathing hard.

     Her vision was blurry.

     She still couldn’t make herself care.

     There were buzzings and blinking lights. Voices. People touching her.

     That only made them worse.

     The emotions.

     Now she was laughing. Crying. Screaming. All three.

     They weren’t real.

     They were real.

     They were not hers.

     She was everything. 

     Nothing.

     She felt everything.

     She felt nothing.

     Nothing.

     Then pain.

     She was completely numb.

     She was thrashing.

     She was still.

     She was too alive.

     She blacked out.

     ~

     It was still unbearable. Unstoppable.

     The pain. The aching. The sadness. Love. Conviction. Happiness. Excitement. Fear.

     No.

     Her fear.

     She cried in relief.

     Her relief.

     Her emotions.

     She held onto them like a lifeline in a sea. A sea that was drowning her. Drowning her in emotions. Emotions that weren’t hers.

     Now she could feel.

     Feel what she was feeling.

     It was fear and she latched on to it, making it grow bigger and stronger. But the fear brought out a stronger emotion. One that hopefully would be worth the fear. That would eventually overtake the fear.

     Hope.

     ~

     “Mom, I’m fine.” It was probably close to the twentieth time she’d said it. Maybe she hoped the more times she said it the more it would be true.

     She was in her room, sitting up in bed and trying to rest.

     “Are you sure?” Her mom asked. Her voice was steady and calm but her emotion told her otherwise.

     Worry.

     Concern.

     Hope.

     Suspicion.

     And a touch of panic.

     Every emotion was bundled together into a tangled ball hitting her like a bolt of lightning.

     If she wasn’t sure before, she was now. She was not okay. But she couldn’t tell anyone, so she just gritted her teeth against pain and shrugged. “I’m fine—really I am.” Dylan even tried for a smile, hoping none of her mom’s emotions leaked into her words.

     She just needed everyone to go away. Being near to anyone—especially touching anyone—only made it worse. “I’m just really tired, I’d like to get some rest.”

     After her Mom finally left, Dylan changed and slipped into bed. She stared up at her blank white ceiling, not actually feeling at all tired. She wondered if reading would help her fall asleep but decided against it, figuring it would probably make her headache worse.

     The silence was thick and heavy and boring. It lasted for what felt like lifetimes but what was probably only five minutes.

     Then her phone vibrated softly and lit up with a text.

     She scrolled through her notifications and saw she missed three calls and eighteen messages—including the one she’d just received.

     She smiled. They were all from Liam.

     The messages read; 

     u ok?

     Why weren’t u at school today?

     ??

     I heard u had an accident, everything alright?!??

     What happened????

     Call me when u get a chance!!

     Sent u this weeks history and science notes through email fyi

     u ok?

     u missed the most boring day of school EVER today

     Why aren’t u answering me??????????????????????????????????

     I. 

     Am. 

     Going. 

     To. 

     DIE. 

     Of. 

     Boredom.

     The latest message read;

     Please answer me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     A text bubble popped up and a second later it read;

     I can not stand another day of sitting alone at a table alone!!

     Then;

     SAVE ME!!!!

     u miss me? Dylan wrote back.

     OMG why r u ignoring me!!?!?

     What happened?????

     I’m srsly going to die if u don’t come to school tomorrow

     There was a round of dying emoji faces.

     Dylan laughed. Then I’ll explain everything tomorrow

     Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine, Liam wrote back. See ya at school!!

     See ya

     Dylan stared at her screen for a long moment. Stared at one word.

     School.

     Dread settled in. She hadn't realized what it meant to go back to school like this. When she could feel everything. Everyone. Everything everyone was feeling.

     But she had no choice. Unless Dylan told her parents why she couldn’t go. And she was really tempted to do that. But they wouldn’t understand. And they wouldn’t be able to do anything anyway.

     She could try to get her parents to let her stay home for one more day. But after how ‘fine’ she supposedly was, that would probably only cause suspicion. Besides she would have to face the emotions eventually and staying home would only make her fear worse. And Liam needed her.

     It was probably horrible having to sit alone for almost two weeks. Dylan couldn’t do that to him again. But he would probably guess that something was up. Liam was the smartest kid in the grade and almost knew Dylan as well as she did. She would have to tell him.

     Dylan made up her mind. She was going to school tomorrow. She would tell Liam everything. And hopefully they would find a way to fix her—as long as Liam didn’t run away from her, screaming.

~

     School was worse than Dylan could have ever imagined.

     She had got to school early, hoping she would ease into the emotions as students arrived. 

     Dylan had been dead wrong.

     As soon as she stepped through the doors, Dylan collapsed. Everything was chaos. She was numb. Overwhelmed. 

     It was too much.

     And the fact that she collapsed only made the emotions worse.

     Panic.

     Confusion.

     Concern.

     Worry.

     Tension.

     It all clouded her head and just kept hitting her. Over and over.

     Dylan tried sitting up but she was just pounded back down by more emotions. 

     Someone was trying to help her up. That was worse. She involuntarily recoiled, as if she had touched something cold. 

     Freezing. 

     Numbing.

     She needed it to stop.

     “Stop! Make it stop,” she hadn’t realized she’d cried the words allowed until a familiar voice asked. “Make what stop?”

     The voice.

     Liam.

     Dylan was crying in relief now. At least she thought it was relief, it might have been concern or sympathy. She didn’t know anymore.

     His voice.

     His voice was calm.

     His emotions were not but she ignored them.

     Liam.

     Liam’s voice.

     Calm.

     She blocked everything out except his voice.

     His voice.

     She repeated it over and over.

     Calm.

     And Dylan finally got control.

     She slowly stood up with the support of Liam.

     Taking a shaky breath, she ignored everyone and closed her eyes. Feeling calm. And calm. And calm.

     It washed over her skin.

     Calm and cool. 

     Like a ripple.

     Opening her eyes she ignored the crowd that had gathered and only focused on one person. Liam.

     “We need to go,” Dylan said, proud her voice came out steady.

     He nodded, pushing his glasses farther up his nose.

     Liam grabbed her backpack as well as his own and they walked back out the front door.

     Taking the path that looped around her small school they walked in silence almost halfway.

     Liam broke the silence. “So what happened?”

     His voice held no anger or confusion or demand. It was soft and calm as always with a hint of curiosity.

     Dylan walked a few more steps in silence and concentration before speaking. “I probably need to start from the beginning,” her tone was quiet but heavy with the weight of bad news. “Most of what I remember was climbing the magnolia tree in my backyard. I remember getting to my plattform. Then I was on the ground. My head felt like it was pounding from the inside out.

     “After that it was mostly a blur in and out of unconsciousness until I woke up in the hospital.”

     Dylan was silent for a couple more paces. “Then the emotions,” she whispered. “It was too much. I was crying . . . laughing—screaming—all at once. I was . . . It was . . . I couldn’t—” Dylan paused, swallowing back a sob, seemingly having run out of half sentences. “It was too much,” she repeated, taking a breath before continuing. 

     “I hit a very specific part of my brain—in the limbic system—called my Amygdala, which is where I process basic emotions.” Her voice was blank and toneless as if only reciting what the doctors had told her. “I don’t really get it. But the thing I really don’t get is the fact that somehow I can feel everyone else’s emotions when they’re near me. And it’s worse when they touch me. I feel like I’m being hit with a wrecking ball over and over again. But it feels different for every emotion. Like anger is really hard and burning hot but love is a comfortable warm and sort of squishy.

     “It’s also really hard to distinguish my feelings from the emotions around me. They get all tangled together and . . . Yeah,” Dylan trailed off realizing she didn’t have anything else to say.

     They finished taking the loop around the building in silence, Dylan trying not to read Liam's emotions.

     Liam stopped before going inside. “For the record I'm really sorry that you're going through all this but. . . I think that is literally the coolest thing ever.”

     He grinned.

     Dylan gave a relieved smile in return. “That’s why you’re my best friend.”