The Commuters

Content Warning: This story contains themes of mental health issues.

Jay was famished and he couldn’t wait to pick up some Chinese takeout for dinner at Chun Li as he and Paula boarded the same train that they boarded every night to get back home. They immediately spotted several familiar faces. She made some small talk with a woman named Kelly from Bronxville as he took a seat by himself and popped open his laptop. The train pulled out of the station and soon the lights of the city were quickly racing past outside the window like sparks blowing away from a bonfire as Jay tried to bang out a few emails that he never found the time to respond to before leaving the office that night.

“When is Maurice returning from Madrid? We haven’t seen him in at least a week or so! When does he get back?” Paula, ever the social butterfly, was now bringing a woman named Sarah from Tuckahoe into the conversation. The three were quickly chatting away. Jay loved his wife deeply. She was his moon and stars, though she quietly found this pop cultural reference somewhat embarrassing, much like many other things in the world.

After a while Jay closed his eyes when the train stopped at the East 233rd Street Station. It had been a long day and he was both tired and hungry. He didn’t think that he had drifted off for more than a few minutes but when he awoke Paula was gone.

“Hey, where did Paula go?”

Kelly pursed her lips and glanced briefly at Sarah, then she just shook her head as she discreetly inched herself a little further away. Jay lost his patience and moved off towards the front of the train. In the next car he found the conductor.

“Excuse me, sir. I can’t find my wife. Have you seen a woman with long reddish hair wearing a dark green dress? She’s almost my height? She’s wearing a silver brooch in the shape of a French bulldog.”

The conductor just looked down, shook his head, and moved around Jay without saying a word. The search continued from one end of the train to the other but when Paula never turned up Jay exited at his stop, hoping to find her at home with some logical explanation for her sudden disappearance. He was no longer hungry.

************

The next morning he woke up and went to work and that night he and Paula boarded the same Metro North train at Grand Central Station, the one that they rode back up to their home in Westchester County every night at that same time. They were running a little late, as always, and while they hustled down towards the open doors Paula looked across the platform for just a moment as another train, this one coming in from Connecticut, cruised into the station on a parallel set of tracks.

Jay was starving and couldn’t think about anything other than picking up some Italian takeout from Pasquale’s as he and Paula boarded the train, the same one that they boarded every night. They immediately spotted several familiar faces. She made some small talk with a guy named Arthur from Hartsdale and his fiance, Maggie. She asked them about their recent trip to the Cayman Islands. Jay took a seat across the aisle and popped open his laptop to finish up work on a report that was due the following morning. The train pulled out of the station and soon the lights of the city were racing past outside the window like an endless swarm of fireflies.

It had been a long and busy day so Jay closed his eyes for a few minutes as the train reached the East 233rd Street Station. He had a slow-building headache and he rubbed his temples with his thumbs for a little while and dozed off momentarily. When he awoke Paula was no longer there.

“Hey Arthur, where did Paula go? I must have nodded off for a few minutes.”

The man just looked briefly at his fiance and then they both lowered their chins. Jay asked again but neither of them looked up or said a word. He stuffed his laptop into his backpack and started walking up towards the front of the train. Paula was nowhere to be found.

************

The next morning he and Paula made love, but it felt wrong. It always felt wrong now, like she wasn’t really there, and neither was he. Like it was an obligatory duty that needed to be fulfilled, by both of them, to neither's satisfaction. On the way into the city on the train that morning she opened up to him, just a little bit.

“I’m not happy, Jay. I’m not happy, and I don’t know why. I should be happy. I should be delighted with my life. I know this. You are perfect. My job is awesome. My family is great. Everyone and everything is really good, but…somehow, I’m just not happy. I’m just…I’m not.”

He thought for a short time.

“Maybe you should, you know, talk to someone. Someone who can help?” He had looked into the prescription pill bottle containing her anti-depressant medication the night before. There were twenty seven tablets remaining. There should have been only four.

She just looked down at her lap. Soon the train reached Grand Central Terminal and he kissed her beneath the famed Zodiac celestial ceiling mural in the main concourse as they parted ways until it was time to meet up again for the train ride back home that evening, just like every evening. She looked back at him once as she exited through the doors leading out onto 42nd Street, and he looked back at her in that same moment. He smiled and offered a little parting wave, but she just looked away and walked out into the rain.

Jay had to skip a proper lunch that day and settle for a few granola bars and some yogurt due to his busy schedule so he couldn’t wait to pick up some chicken tikka masala and naan bread with biryani rice at Bombay Garden as he and Paula boarded the 7:32pm train to Scarsdale, where they immediately spotted a few familiar faces. Paula quickly sprouted a smile and she chatted up a woman named Marla from White Plains and a few others whose names Jay couldn’t recall as he took a seat nearby and put in his Airpods to listen to some music on the ride home. The train soon pulled out of the station and the countless lights of the city went soaring past the windows like a meteor shower on a cloudless summer night.

He had been sleeping poorly of late - Jay couldn’t really recall the last time he had slept well - so he was wearing thin and he closed his eyes when the train reached the East 233rd Street Station. He was listening to Charlie Parker’s “Bird Is Free” at low volume and the music was lulling him to sleep. He dozed off for a short time and when he opened his eyes Paula was gone.

“Hey guys, where did Paula go? I closed my eyes for a few minutes and didn’t see her go.”

Marla and the other women gave him a sympathetic look but they remained silent as they all looked down.

“What the fuck! Where is Paula? I’m getting tired of this.”

They all just looked down at their feet and Jay stormed up the aisle towards the front of the train.

He knew, somehow, that this was maybe his fault. His lack of capacity for connection. His arm's-length relationship with the world. Maybe he was the one who needed to speak with a professional. Whatever. He had to find Paula. Introspection could wait.

************

Just before midnight Jay turned the clock on the bedroom nightstand back by 30 minutes and set the alarm for the usual time, then he climbed into the bed by himself. He remained awake for several hours but eventually drifted off. When the alarm clock sounded the next morning he quickly hit the snooze button to give Paula an extra 10 minutes of sleep time while he made coffee and fixed up a light breakfast for both of them.

When the alarm sounded again Paula arose from the bed and came into the dining room, brushing back her hair with her fingers.

“Babe, why didn’t you wake me up? We’re running a little late. We have to go or we won’t make the train.”

“Actually the clock in the bedroom is a half hour behind. Sit down. We have about twenty minutes for a quick breakfast together.”

She looked a little confused but she took a seat and poured some half-and-half along with a teaspoon of sugar into her coffee, slowly stirring up a little mocha cyclone inside the cheerful red mug bearing the green outline of a Christmas tree.

“Paula, can we talk? I have been thinking about what you have been saying over these last few months. About not being happy. Have you thought about seeing someone? You know, a professional? Someone who might be able to help?”

She just stared at him. The answer was no. They couldn’t talk.

They just sat there quietly. She ate a bit of fruit salad and some toast with boysenberry jam and then went and took a shower once she finished her coffee.

They both got dressed and left the house and just over an hour later he kissed her goodbye beside the golden clock in the center of Grand Central Terminal and they parted ways until the train ride back home that evening. Jay had meetings scheduled one after another in Midtown, then SoHo and the Upper East Side later that day. He already felt tired. Sleep was becoming increasingly elusive and caffeine now stood at the peak of his dietary pyramid.

That night it was raining again and they were running a little late for the train back home, as usual, so they were moving pretty fast when they met up on Lexington Avenue, but Jay could tell right away that something just wasn’t right. Paula wouldn’t - or perhaps couldn’t - look him in the eyes.

When they rushed down the ramp to Track 41 hand-in-hand, Paula suddenly pulled away from him and stopped. He stopped as well and stared back at her quietly. She was looking him in the eyes now.

“I’m sorry, Jay." She shook her head. "If anyone could have saved me, it would have been you.” She loved Virginia Woolf. He stopped breathing.

Without any further explanation Paula simply turned and fell onto the opposite side of the tracks just as the train coming in from Connecticut pulled into the station and she disappeared beneath it. Gasps of horror went up from all around. Jay screamed and tried to follow her down but some other commuters standing nearby saw what had happened and quickly rushed in to restrain him as he wailed up at the dark rafters above, over and over again until he collapsed from sheer exhaustion and despair.

Eventually, the police arrived.

************

The next night Jay and Paula boarded the train to Scarsdale and saw some familiar faces. He was tired and hungry, but as usual she was quickly engaged with her friends and soon they were all laughing about one thing or another. Jay smiled at her but he really just wanted to get some cheeseburgers and fries from O’Malley’s Grill for both of them and kick off his shoes and hit the couch back at home. Maybe catch the second half of the Knicks game.

He plugged in his Airpods and turned up the music on his iPhone. The lights of the city flashed by outside the train's windows like the sparks arising from a hard punch to the face. He closed his eyes and lost himself in the music for a few minutes.

"And it's been a while, since I've seen the way that the candles light your face.

And it's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste..."

Jay fell asleep for a short time when the train arrived at the East 233rd Street Station and when he awoke, Paula was gone.

He asked the others where she went, but no one would speak with him. They all just gave him a look that was some odd mixture of fear, discomfort and pity, and then they hung their heads and stared down at the floor.

He quietly cursed them all under his breath and went off to search for his wife. She was nowhere to be found, but he continued to search. He looked for her every night. She was his one true love. She was his moon and stars. He had to keep searching until he found her.

THE END