Am I crazy?

“I have a gift for you!”

“A gift??” I answered as I turned around to look at her, already suspicious!

“Yes. A gift!” She smirked excitedly. She could barely keep her words from overflowing out as she handed over a paper with a written down phone number. “…Before you say no, He’s really nice! …and cute!! Just try it out. Don’t shoot me down!” 

 Katie was a good friend, but a wild one.  She is married now, but oh boy had her stories before marriage scared me half to death. She had been pushing me to talk to this “friend” of hers. Who merely saw a picture of me but wanted to get to know me. 

Katie is one of those friends that truly wants the best for you. However, sometimes, “the best for you” gets convoluted.  She gets mixed up between what’s actually good for you and in your best interest, versus what’s good for you “tonight.”  She can give the best advice and the worst all in the same sentence. 

Fast forward, 3 months.

“Am I crazy?”  I thought. I almost heard the words echo in my head. “Oh well!” I said out loud to myself as I looked in my visor mirror one last time before I slammed it shut and hopped out of my car. I pretended not to be cold in my tights and black dress that fell above my knees.  I did have a long coat on. North Dakota’s winter weather was no joke, especially, when it hits you right in the face. Even with that, I didn’t flinch.  I smiled as I walked, not knowing if he was watching me. I could feel the wind blowing my long dark hair behind me. With fresh makeup and perfume on, I was headed into this place whether it was crazy or not.

A year ago, I would have never seen this coming.  I was depressed then. Struggling to breath, feeling suffocated in my decisions to be with one person. One person who I knew deep down I never loved truly.  I found myself daydreaming. Dreaming of dinners and laughs. Dreaming of new introductions and dreaming of my friends loving some new guy in my life.  I was broken,  defeated. I slept on the couch and talked to my distant friends late into the night. They lived thousands of miles away but I was with them, at least in my head, I hoped that I could be.

In my story, I was the dragon, not the princess. I could be hot tempered and the flames that came from my mouth made people run far away from the castle.  As soon as they left, I wondered why I was so angry.  “Why am I like this??” I thought.  I would sit and wonder about the last time I felt happiness and ask myself what my schedule was like then. I thought, “When I was happy, I spent a lot of time with my family. I lived in one place for a long time and I knew people very well there. I was loved and I had downfalls. I was quick to apologize for my wrongdoings and I felt safe. I realized quickly, “I am not safe nor loved where I am now.”

I decided to make a change. I started waking up earlier and going to bed earlier. I hired a trainer and changed my meal plan and went to the gym.  I started listening to happy music and refused to let bad into my ears.  “What you think is what you become.” I told myself.  “What you put in your mind is what comes out of your mouth.”

As I pushed through the physical pain, I started to feel light. Less like a dragon, maybe still not a princess, but something in between.

This whole life transition flashed through my head as I walked from my car and into the restaurant.  It was more of a bar than a restaurant but I guess that’s what you get when you drive 50 miles to meet a stranger at night. “Oh well,” I said again to myself as I tried to shrug the feeling of unfamiliarity off my shoulders. 

Walking in, there was a bar immediately to my right, with a total of maybe 7 people sitting drinking.  I  looked to the left, spotting a few tables with people and some empty tables as well. Behind that, a covered balcony outside with tables, and less people there. 

I looked forward and noticed him right away, walking toward me.  He was everything Katie had said he was:  Tall, in shape, nicely dressed, great smile, soft-looking brown hair that seemed to fall into place perfectly on it’s own.  He reached out his hand and it met mine, sweetly. He looked right into my eyes as he introduced himself.  I could tell by the way his hands felt, the way that he talked, and looked, that he was definitely a hard working man. Yet a gentleman still.  He had told me that he worked on the family farm. Judging by the way his muscles looked through his sweater as he moved, I knew that was true.

“Do you want to sit on the patio?” He asked. I snapped out of my daze of amazement.  “There’s heaters out there and it’s covered.” He said, before I could answer. “Plus, It’s a little more quiet, so I can hear you.”  I was enamored. I was stunned that he was so kind and wanted to “hear” me.  “Yes! Let’s do it.” I said, not being able to hide my smile. I knew that he knew that I was impressed by him already.

“I shouldn’t be this shallow!” I thought to myself. “You don’t even know how to date! Last time you dated, you were in high school.  You can’t just go for looks, you have to get to know him better!” I lectured myself in my head.  I was with my ex for over 7 years. I am 24 now. I haven’t dated since high school so I’m worried about my own judgement.  This guy though, I have been talking to for over 3 months now, almost 4! So, I pretty much know him by now, right? I tried to rationalize with myself.

He guided me to the patio and pulled out my chair. “You look really pretty,” He side-smiled at me as he said that. I could almost imagine him in that moment, in a short sleeve shirt, on a hot day, on the farm doing something manly. Something that someone strong could only do. 

 “I haven’t been on a date in awhile…” He started off trying to forewarn me of any awkwardness that comes from him. I giggle a little, wondering if that were true. Was he a real gentleman who was too busy and hardworking to date, or is this what he tells them all? I asked what it was like in the town he’s from. I drove a ways to get here tonight, but he drove longer.  He was real kind to want to do that, I thought.

We talked for over an hour and a half.  He told me about his little town, but spent most of the time asking about me.  I loved having the moment to shine and just really let go for a little. Not be back in my town, stuck there, and dealing with the fallout from the life I left behind months earlier. 

In the midst of our conversation, he made me laugh. He was talking with his hands while holding his glass.  At that moment, the wind hit my face ever so slightly and I got an odd feeling. What an odd thought.  “You went away to jail when you were younger,” I said out of nowhere. I don’t know why I felt that way. Something about the way the wind hit me while I was looking at him, I just got such an off feeling.  His face changed immediately.  “How did you know that?” He said. “I don’t know,” I replied softly. “I just had a feeling all of a sudden…” 

“What did you go away for?” I asked.

He looked frightened in his reply,

“Murder.”

“I have a gift for you!” I mocked Katie in my head at this very moment. 

“…Before you say no, He’s really nice!…”