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I had been working for the twins since the beginning. I did freelance graphic design. I had other customers, too. Most of the others came and went, based on what was most convenient for them. But the twins were different. They incorporated me into their whole business, and I loved it. They incorporated me into their lives, and I loved that even more. I loved belonging.

When I started out freelancing, I had two little kids. I did my best to work in naptimes and during episodes of “Dora” or “Wild Kratts.” Aside from that, I worked late at night after bedtimes. The people I worked for were all sales reps for one company. They worked independently - often out of their own home offices. It was a perfect situation. We did most everything over email. When we did need to talk on the phone, they never minded hearing a baby’s cry because their dog was probably barking, too.

I got my start when one sales rep had his graphic designer go on vacation for a week. He needed a few things done, so I did them for him. He never went back to her. As things grew, I met more sales reps, and did some work here and there. About seven months in, I met the twins. They were young new reps who didn’t know there were customers they shouldn’t pursue because they were too big. They went for it anyway. Sometimes it even worked. Just in their early 20s, they had already made themselves known within the company. I wanted to work with them.

I did my best, even with tiny kids, to get jobs back as quickly as possible. At first, most of the things they were looking for were 10 minute jobs. I would drop everything and do them right away. They would usually call and let me know they needed it, so I didn’t have to sit and watch my email all day - email on your phone wasn’t even a “thing” yet. They called. I put the baby down, and I did the work. Often, I didn’t even put the baby down. I worked baby in arm, one handed at the computer, phone tucked under my ear.

At the same time the twins’ business was growing, so were my kids. The work the twins needed done was getting more complicated, but my kids were getting bigger and were off at school for at least a couple of hours a day. The twins called so often, I could tell them apart by their voices. I was kind of a people person, and working from home with little kids left me a little desperate for conversations that had nothing to do with diapers or snacks. The twins were often on the road for the day, so we might chat a bit more. I had ideas I thought could work. They were trying not to fall asleep behind the wheel.

They were so, so good to me. For a few months I joked with them that they could just get me a Coach bag for all the extra things I did for them. That Christmas they actually did. I got a rather large gift certificate to Coach. I got gifts at birthdays. When they came to town they would drop off a coffee. When I saw them at conferences or work events, they bought me drinks.

Around 10 years in, I started pushing for a bigger role on their team. I wanted to help with sales. By this point, they were taking me along to meetings already. Sometimes sending me to see their customers on my own. They said I would always have a job with them. We were so close then, that they guessed when I was pregnant with my third just from talking to me on the phone. I made them Christmas cookies every year. I had helped one of them with engagement and wedding prep. I talked the other through multiple breakups. It was like having brothers.

After a few years of having my third kid in school most of the day, I did it. I convinced them to take me on as an actual employee. I would help with office work, look for products for their customers, take care of some sales, and do the graphic design. I was pretty excited to take this step. I had visions of never working outside my house again. I would just work with them forever.

At the same time, they took on a whole slate of accounts from another rep that happened to come with an employee. It wasn’t very clearly defined who would be doing what, but I usually deferred to her experience. I was new at this part. Now most of my calls were with her. I didn’t know what was going on with the twins anymore. We didn’t chat like we used to when they were out driving.

I would like to say I took it in stride, but I was disappointed. This wasn’t how I had pictured it. I had always known the directions they were going - who they were going to approach as a new customer, what needed to be done for it to work. Now I was unsure of everything. Unsure what I should be doing. Unsure what my role was. Unsure what our relationship was now. Unsure how to work with this new person. But I took our history into account. These were growing pains. This was how it is. I would do my best to make it work. I would absolutely win over this new coworker.

We got a bit of a rhythm going. We figured out who was good at what. I was getting to know my new coworker. We joked about how disorganized the twins were, and what would they do without us? We talked about the different tv shows we would stream in the background while we worked. I explained their original clients, she told me about the new ones. After all, she had been working with them for six months. I had been working with them for around 14 years. We were both working from home, and both had kids in school.

I had started my new role on January 1, 2019. Throughout the year the twins stopped by a little less. They just loaded my Starbucks card instead of dropping something off. They were harder to get on the phone. I asked for a review of my work and what I should be doing differently about once a month. They said maybe next time they were in town. I took all of it as growing pains. They had added a whole other rep’s accounts - of course things were going to be hectic. But this was exciting. I was finally where I wanted to be, and soon it would all calm down and be more of what I was expecting.

After Thanksgiving that year, they actually called and wanted me to bring them some things at a client’s office. I grabbed this year’s Christmas cookies and headed out the door. After I brought what they needed, they asked if I wanted to run over to Starbucks with them. Of course I did. This was it. This was things getting back on track. This was the way it had always been, and now it would be again.

We grabbed a table in the corner, and one of them went to order the coffees. They were a little everywhere, which was how they always were. Once they were both at the table, I gave them their cookies. They grabbed the coffees when they were ready and came back to the table.

“It’s not working,” said one of them. I don’t remember whom.

Wait. What? “What isn’t working?”

“This,” he said.

“This what? I’m confused.”

“Having you on full time isn’t working. We think we should go back to how we did things before. You freelancing the artwork,” said the other one.

Oh. Okay. Then they said we would talk more later - they had to go and left. I think I was the very definition of blindsided. My eyes stung. What just happened here? At the first of the year, we’re going back to me doing freelance. I mean. Okay. But I shouldn’t put too much into it. Maybe if we go back to how we were doing it before, things would feel normal again. That might be ok.

I texted them, “Why do I feel like I just got fired?” “You’re not fired. We’ll talk about it more later,” was the reply. Wait. WHAT? AM I being fired? No. That can’t be. I’ve worked with them for 15 years, and they wouldn’t do that. I would know if it wasn’t working.

January came again. We were back to me just doing the artwork and billing them for it. Things are always slow at the beginning of the year, so it was a big shift. After a few weeks, they said they had hired a new person to take my place with sales. Huh. Okay. I didn’t know they were doing that, but that’s fine. It’s probably just so much business, they need more help. Things didn’t pick up much in February. I managed to get them on the phone once. “Hey, do you know if things are going to be picking up at all? I’m trying to help figure out our budget, and it seems like there’s less than normal coming in.”

“Actually. It just so happens that the new person knows graphic design, too. So we’ll probably have her do some things for now, and email you when we need more.” Fuck. I finally got it. What they had probably been trying to tell me since November. I was out. They didn’t need me, they didn’t want me. We were done.

Covid started spreading. Everything locked down. I texted them, “Do you need help with anything? This is crazy.” After a few minutes I got, “We just have to put everything on hold right now. We’ll keep you posted” A few weeks later I texted to see how they were. I mean, this Covid thing was so crazy. I couldn’t imagine the ways it was hitting their business. I understood that, and I wanted to know if they were ok. No reply. Fifteen years later. Not even a reply. Marriages, houses, kids…no reply. Family, brothers…no reply. I had let all of my other customers go to focus on them…no reply. Maybe we wouldn't work together, but weren’t we at least friends? …no reply. Gaslit and ghosted. No reply.