Value, Personality and Words

“You are the funniest person I have ever met!”

When I first heard this from the person working at my next desk, it made me very happy. It was my first month of working in this office. I was happy because it was the first time someone had told me I was funny and amusing. It was also very nice to feel accepted by brand new people in a brand new country.

I don't remember what we talked about, I wasn't making a joke or there was nothing funny about it, either. I think I was talking about the difficulties of living in a new country or something. And about the course that I go on the weekends to learn the language faster. It must have made him laugh when I mispronounced a word. So he said, “You are such a funny person, the office will be more fun now.”

I told you, those words made me happy. Because making people laugh and raising the mood of the environments was not something I could do at all in my home country. My friends would often say that I was too serious, that I needed to relax a bit. They used to say you're like the nerd in class and they say, "A little relaxation never hurt anyone."

After hearing these words for years, it was nice to be able to make people laugh in a completely different country. They say that every language, every culture gives a person a different personality. And our personality shaped by the words that we use. Maybe this country where I came to work alone and the new language I just started to use made me a more friendly person. I was being more enjoyable one, I was able to be more funny.

Or so I thought. Because I would soon realize that I was wrong.

My first month at the company was spent doing my part in the project. In this respect, my job was not very difficult, I was working without language skills due to my job. When I got to my computer, the tasks I had to do weren't that different from what I was doing in my country. Also, my teammates were more helpful than I expected. They would come at every opportunity to examine what I had done, to check if there was a mistake. They even explained everything to me one by one. So much so that anyone listening to them could learn this job from scratch. I thought they were doing this because they wanted to help me. I was grateful.

My only problem was that my foreign language progressed very slowly. I could understand what was said to me, I could explain my problem in a way. However, I felt very insecure. Even the slightest communication made me nervous. It was as if a wrong word could come out of my mouth at any moment or I could misunderstand the other side. Or I could come across a word I don't know, and I could freeze like a toy whose battery run out suddenly.

Fortunately, my co-workers didn't seem to take offense at my mistakes. On the contrary, they were laughing at the words I said wrong and giving a cheerful reaction as if every word that came out of my mouth was a joke. Sometimes they would repeat words that I didn't realize I had said wrong, and they would laugh once again. The nickname given to me by the person next desk, was approved by all team members in a short time. I was now the funniest member of the team.

I understood what the funniest of the team meant at the first team meeting.

It was one of the traditional and important meetings in the company. The two teams came together and talked about the points that needed to be improved and the missing points in the project. After a while, the team leader started to get ideas from the people in the meeting one by one. The issue was something that had caught my attention for a while and I believed I knew how to fix it. I waited to say when it was my turn. But as soon as it was my turn, the person next to me started talking. The team leader turned to him, listening intently. No one was even looking at me.

I thought they might have accidentally skipped me. Or they didn't give me a say because it was my first meeting. However, this bothered me. I also wanted to share my opinion and be a part of the team. Two people later, the suggestions were ended, and a whole new topic was opened. So I took an opportunity to talk and said I had an idea.

Under the odd glances I said, “I believe we can get rid of a lot of problems if we use this practice within the team.” I gave a few sentences about the application I mentioned. “We made things a lot easier with this program at the company I came to.”

These words caused a strange movement in the room. I felt one or two people bow their heads. Meanwhile, the team leader turned to me and said, "What did you say?" He looked so strange with his big eyes that I could see his face was reddening rapidly. “Excuse me?" I said, everyone seemed to hear what I said.

“What did you just say?” the team leader asked again, this time with a strange glint in his eyes. When I heard this, I felt nervous. What could I have said to cause this reaction? I repeated my words as I looked at the meeting, restless and nervous. “I said that if we use this program, we can get rid of the problems. It has all the features you mentioned because—”

I hadn't finished my sentence yet, when the team leader burst out laughing. “Did you hear what he said?” he said, looking around the room. "Get rid of! It's like we're going to dispose of a corpse or something!” Those in the office suddenly burst into laughter, and those who held back their laughter were now laughing out loud. I didn't know what amused them so much, but they were laughing like the word "get rid of" was the best joke in the world.

“I'm sorry,” the team leader said as he finally calmed down. “The words you used sounded so funny, sorry. But well done, good idea. I'd never expect this from you."

As I sank into my seat with my brows furrowed, something dawned on me. The past few months flashed before my eyes. All of a sudden I started to look at things from a different perspective.

 I could have been one of the most experienced members on the team. I could have been sent here because of my achievements. But no matter what I did, the language I used would always be a barrier.

I was always going to be funny, and it wasn't because of my sense of humor. Whatever I did was going to be funny. The way I spoke, my questions, my actions, the way I ate, the words I used... Everything was funny no matter what I did. This, of course, included the ideas that I have given and will give.

So no one expected to hear from me an idea that would work.

This got on my nerves. I wouldn't let them treat me like that. I didn't care if they would find me funny or not. I was selected as one of the best employees in my company, so I gained the right to work in the branch abroad. They needed me here, but I was treated more like a kid talking about projects among adults than a newcomer to the team.

Against these attitudes, I focused only on my work for a while. I didn't go when they called for an after-work drink, which they rarely do, so I made it clear that I didn't like it as they were making a joke. I didn't even laugh at any of his jokes for a while.

However, nothing had changed. On the contrary, everything continued the same, my role in this new world was becoming clearer in my eyes.

The team members were not only laughing at what I was doing, but were also doing something else that I didn't like. The team leader, who did not need to control anyone, would often come to me and watch what I was doing at the computer. He would ask me what I was doing and remind me many times of what I had to do. He was repeatedly reviewing the tasks I had finished, telling me to look again where there were no mistakes.

One time I couldn't stand it and asked what the problem was. He told me he was doing this to help. And I said, "I've been doing this for years, don't worry." “What I am not good at is a new foreign language. It's not my job. So you don't need to check me all the time. It affects my performance.”

It took some work to collect these sentences, but I finally gathered my courage and voiced my thoughts. I was hoping that the team leader would deteriorate and never treat me that way again. The fact that I could not express myself well in a foreign language did not mean that I was bad at my job. Everyone should have understood this.

These words changed the atmosphere of the office in an instant. But it didn't change as I expected.

Because for some reason, the whole team started laughing. This included the team leader. “Wow,” said the one next to me. “Our funniest can getting angry too!”, “You're so cool.”, One of the people who've been the best to me since I've been here came and put her arm around my shoulder. While laughing she said, “Oh, watch out! We need to careful!”

This was when I gave up. Because nothing I talked about here was changing anything. I couldn't share ideas, I couldn’t complain, or even I can’t get angry in this language. I was like a comedian. Every word that came out of my mouth was like an funny anecdote, and after a few seconds they were gone. I was just a funny person. Was I?

No, it was obvious what I was. I just didn't want to admit it.

I arrived at the office this morning before anyone else. I worked on my work on the project. I waited in silence throughout the team leader's check. I laughed at the jokes of the person next to me, and he laughed at my reaction. At the end of a mostly quiet day, I was getting ready to get up from my desk. I was distracted when I heard a faint chuckle behind me, and I paused for a moment. A footstep was approaching me.

“Hey, hello,” said the youngest member on the team. "How are you? I wanted to ask you something. My mom is in the hospital so I have to go to visit. I wonder if you can stay overtime today instead of me?"

I looked at her for a few seconds. "Is it really your mother?" I mean. “So your mother is sick? So you're not trying to pin your duty to me to go to the party. So I misunderstood what you just said to your friend? So you're not trying to make a fool of me?"

For a few seconds, these words swirled in my mind. I tried to find the right words. What was it called knocking a job over to someone else? Or make a fool out of it? I couldn't find it. Also in case of they say, I misunderstood it, I didn't have an answer to give. I still hadn't learned to defend myself in this language.

It is said that you can display a personality based on your ability to use language. The words you know determine your intelligence, you are as valuable as you can express yourself.

I wasn’t able to express myself perfectly in this language, so there was no way expect accepting what am I now.

I dropped my bag on the floor and turned to the woman watching me.

“It’s okay.” I said. “I can stay.”

She had a big smile on her face as she shook my hand. I've never seen such a big smile in someone whose mother is in the hospital. "You are awesome!"

I heard their giggles as the woman walked away with the other team member. Who knows what they were laughing at about me? To how naive I am? To how funny I am? Is it my incompetence?

No, now I knew.

I was not funny. I wasn't amusing either.

It was so clear what I was.

 In this new language, in this new country, I was a stupid.

So I sat down and pressed the power button of my computer. I took deep breath because there was long night waiting for me.