Pinder

“Stop breathing on me,” Kerry said through gritted teeth. 

“Technically, I’m not breathing. I’m filtering. But I suppose it means the same thing here,” Broggo said in reply. 

“Ok, then stop FILTERING on me!” Kerry snapped and got up from the couch in a huff. 

“I sense displeasure. And I believe it has been caused by me. Am I correct?” Broggo queried. 

“Yes, it most definitely has been caused by you! Ugh! How YOU were matched with ME is…is…well it’s unexplainable!” Kerry yelled from across the room of her tiny apartment. 

“Of course it’s explainable. You see, my kind were all entered into the Pinder database detailing our traits. All of your kind were also entered into the database, and through a series of precise calculations and analysis of data we were matched with each other. It is the most sensible way to account for the influx of population of my kind from Sliggo to Earth. We need shelter, and your kind can help us transition to life here. It’s quite genius.” Broggo explained. 

“I KNOW the rationale behind it, you slimy, four-eyed, tentacled creature. I just don’t agree with it!” Kerry lamented. 

“Article 8, Section 12 of the Planetary Habitation Agreement signed by your President indicates that failure to comply with Pinder placements will result in fines, imprisonment, and loss of citizenship,” Broggo reminded Kerry. 

“That seems better right now than this living arrangement!” Kerry said, grabbing her car keys and heading for the door. 

“I’m going to class. Do not touch anything. Or break anything. Or explore. I’ll be home in two hours and will make dinner. Do NOT go near the stove again when I’m gone! I still can’t get the left burners to work and I need another fire extinguisher after your last attempt!” Kerry said and stormed out the door. 

“I believe we are making progress in our interspecies relationship,” Broggo said, turning his blue mouth upwards into a smile. 

Kerry slammed her car door, and turned the key in the ignition. It has been over two months since the sky turned an unnatural shade of green, and spacecrafts made of unearthly metals emanating purple lights descended upon Earth. The majority landed all across the United States, with a handful in Europe and Asia. It was uncertain whether more would be coming, but something had to be done. In an unprecedented meeting of world leaders, it was decided that the best way to handle the situation was to welcome the alien creatures, assigning Earthmates to each one. A system was developed and quickly put into place, systematically matching Sliggon and human. Once assigned their Earthmate, they would be able to acclimate to life on this planet in peace. This planet did not need any more help destroying itself, and just maybe the Sliggons could help in an intergalactic partnership. 

But some partnerships were a bit strained at the moment. Despite the scientific basis of Pinder, maybe not all matches were, well, well-matched. 

Kerry sat in class taking notes on the profound works of various physicists. She couldn’t concentrate, and nothing she wrote made sense upon review. She sighed, set down her chewed up yellow number 2, and rested her head in her hands. She had a headache thinking of what Broggo was likely ruining back at home. 

Back at home, Broggo was ruining Kerry’s favorite dresses as he attempted to color code them in her closet. He did not agree with the current haphazard arrangement, which unsettled his thought patterns. As he pulled each dress down, he tore several and slimed up the others. Tide Stain Remover was no match for whatever chemical composition coated Broggo’s exterior. 

In an unsuccessful attempt to rehang the clothes, he accidentally tore down the bar in the closet they hung on. He stared with all four of his eyes at the wooden bar his tentacled arms were wrapped around. 

“Well. This is not going as I had planned,” Broggo said to the spider plant hanging in the window. He always waited for a reply. He never got one. 

Kerry closed her notebook, gathered her things, and steeled herself against the thought of heading home to Broggo. 

She thought about his attempt to cook her dinner. He took a cup of strawberry yogurt from the fridge, put it in a pot on the stove, and added Cheerios, three Oreos, and several scoops of corn starch. The plastic yogurt cup melted, everything caught on fire, and her kitchen hasn’t smelled the same since. But he wanted to make her happy. That’s more than most people in her life these days. Maybe she wasn’t giving him a chance. She wasn’t the easiest to live with either. She was messy, unorganized, and a free spirit when it came to chore completion. She had a motto of “why do today what can be done tomorrow?” 

Kerry suddenly swiped right into the drive-thru of Dunkin Donuts. She ordered half a dozen assorted donuts, a chocolate frozen coffee, and a vanilla latte. Even Sliggons would appreciate that, right? 

She drove home sipping her latte, ready to present her peace offering. She had lost her temper for no reason, and it wasn’t the first time. Maybe being Earthmates wouldn’t be so bad after all if she gave Broggo a chance. And nobody (no creature?) could be worse than her last human one. She still hadn’t forgiven her for stealing her boyfriend right under her nose, then parading him around the apartment. After living in an awkward, uncomfortable sea of tension for two weeks, they both found a new place together.  What was she even thinking? Humans can be awful creatures. 

Kerry laughed and thought “Hmph, good riddance to both of them! Broggo may very well burn the place down, but he’s never going to backstab.”  

And with that, Kerry unlocked the door and went back to her (their) apartment.  She watched with a smile as a thankful Broggo inserted three Boston Cremes into his stomach opening.

Maybe Pinder got it right after all.