Charles and Camilla

It was a cool, dark and still night, illuminated slightly by the half-moon occasionally showing its shy, wrinkled face from between the passing clouds. Crickets could be heard rubbing their leathery front wings together in excited unison and gusts of wind whipped through the long grass, creating a soothing wash of sound. Just above, a woosh of shadow whizzed by in a flash before elegantly landing in a small tree next to a road: a long-eared owl. Just beyond the tree lay some sleeping striped zebras and peaceful gazelles, nestled together in an effort to keep warm in the dead of night and look out for each other. There’s safety in numbers.

If you happened to be looking at this tree at that particular moment and then happened to focus your attention to its very base, you may have been lucky enough to see two sets of big, bulging eyes glaring out from a tight burrow. The two sets of eyes quickly glanced at each other before a quick nod was exchanged between them. It was time.

Out the owners of these eyes dashed, swaying slightly side to side as their paws plodded through the dry grass. They were making for the single-track road which had a ditch on either side they could use for cover. But the road also served a different purpose. It led straight to where tonight’s mission lay: the humans’ camp.

And they were running late. Thanks to that wily group of spotted hyenas patrolling the area in the early hours of the night, they’d had to hunker down for longer than normal.

Charles looked at Camilla as they trotted. “You really are the most beautiful honey badger that ever graced these plains, my dear”.

Camilla blushed the colour of a honey badgers blush. Which we all know, is a golden hue, the colour of… Yes, honey. “You’re not too bad yourself my darling. But we can complement each other until the buffalos come home once our bellies are full. Let’s get cracking and raid some bins!”.

Honey badgers are known to eat many different things. Honey, rabbits, porcupines, worms, scorpions, birds, venomous snakes and much else. In fact, they eat almost everything they come across, as long as they get a chance to have a bit of a scrap with it. But even though they have an extensive menu to choose from, honey badgers cannot resist the smells and tastes that come from human rubbish. And Charles and Camilla are no different. So most evenings, under cover of darkness, they sneak into the humans' camp and raid as many bins as they can. They don’t mind making noise. They don’t even mind if they get caught, as it just gives them another opportunity for a scrap.

Camilla reached the fence line first and thought it was time to show off a bit. Charles was a bit stumped when she zigzagged away from the normal hole they use to get under the fence, but soon he was left amazed when Camilla effortlessly vaulted up a nearby tree, ran at full speed across a branch and launched herself full stretch over the fence, before landing soundlessly into a forwards roll on the other side.

“What do you think?”, she called back.

“By jove”, said Charles. “That was the most delightful jump I’ve ever seen you do”.

“Ever seen me do?”, asked Camilla. “I think it’s the best you’ve ever seen anyone do”.

“No”, replied Charles confidently. “This is”.

At that moment, Charles donned his favourite bowler hat he had made from thatched sweet grass and gave a small bow. He then followed Camilla’s lead and scaled the tree in one fell swoop before running along the same branch and launching himself through the air. Along he sailed, paws outstretched. Until he suddenly lost a bit of altitude, barrelled into the top of the fence, caught his tail on a barb, and a second later found himself hanging upside down, legs thrashing in all directions.

“You’re right”, guffawed Camilla. “That was the best jump anyone’s ever done”.

Luckily, Charles didn’t take himself too seriously. “Tally ho!”, he cried. “I say Camilla, I’ve found myself in quite the pickle now”.

He swayed himself from side to side until his tail came loose and he crashed headfirst into the ground.

“Bi jove! We’d better hurry up”, said Charles dusting himself off.

Along the two scampered until they came to the first bungalow with an outside fridge and bin. The bin was ripe for the taking but the fridge had a gate blocking its access. As if that would stop these two. While Camilla pushed the bin over sending food scraps and bottles all over the floor, Charles leapt up and pulled the handle of the gate to open it, before he ravaged what he could in the fridge. He was in luck. Salami, fish, fruit, bread. He looted the lot and scarpered back to the fence line with Camilla in hot pursuit with a couple of yogurt pots and half a lettuce. If anyone had seen what happened next, they probably would have been both amazed an appalled. Both of the honey badgers started to demolish everything in front of them at a speed and fashion similar to a paper shredder. The noises that came from their mouths were ungodly.

All night long, the two honey badgers paraded around the humans’ camp raiding bins and fridges until their hearts were content. Occasionally, a vigilant human would run out of their bungalow to try and catch them or scare them off. In response, Charles and Camilla would happily saunter off into the darkness, wait for the human to get bored and go back to sleep, and then return for a second raid. This really was their favourite pastime.

After several hours and when their bellies were full of various leftovers and condiments, Camilla noticed a sliver of light on the horizon. “Charles!”, she shouted. “Sunrise!”.

“Oh blast it. I was just starting to get into the swing of things”.

Camilla hated the daylight and that scorching sun. But if she needed to, she could handle the heat. Charles on the other hand, on one occasion, had accidently eaten some particularly toxic chemicals from a bin, been stabbed in the face by a porcupine and been bitten by a very, very, very venomous snake, all in one night. As a result, he was now incredibly allergic to the sunlight. Even the morning sun would bake his skin so that large boils popped up all around him causing a huge pain that took him weeks to recover from. Camilla, in solidarity, had vowed to keep him safe from the sun from now on and make sure he was back in his burrow each night before sunrise. This time they’d got carried away with all the fun.

“Oh Charles, I’m so sorry. I should have noticed”.

“Don’t be silly darling, we were both having a whale of a time. Fear not, let’s get our skates on and dash back home now. We can still make it before the sun gets too bad. I imagine I’ll get away with only a couple of nasty boils. It will be fun for you, you can pop them if you like”.

“Oh, stop messing around Charles, let’s get out of here!”.

So they set off, under the fence, past the tree, along the road and back towards their burrow. When they were about halfway home, they heard a horrible laughing noise coming from the grass to their left.

“Hyenas!”, shouted Camilla.

Out of the thickets, came four spotted and muscular beasts licking their lips.

“What have we here?”, one said. It was covered in scars and was missing half it’s right ear. “An early morning snack I think”.

 “That’s right boss”, said another. “They seem a bit lost to me. I know where they would find a nice, warm, cosy home”, as it licked its lips and gave a high-pitched cackle. “In my hungry belly”.

The four hyenas howled with laughter as they approached the two honey badgers.

“Camilla, do you remember the fighting style I taught you?”, asked Charles.

"Fight with teeth, claws and everything in between?”

“Exactly!”

The two honey badgers geared up for an offensive attack. Just then, the sun climbed above a nearby tree and cast its warm and blinding rays onto the scene that was unfolding below. Immediately, Charles’ allergies kicked in and three big boils burst out onto his skin.

“Euuurggh, yuk!”, yelled one of the hyenas. “He looks disgusting”.

More boils started to burst out onto Charles’ skin as he began hopping and jumping around in pain. He was no longer bothered by the hyenas, but just wanted to extinguish the fire that had started on his skin. The hyenas, clearly perturbed by what they saw in front of them, began to get a bit scared.

“Do you think it’s contagious boss?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t think I want to find out. Let’s leave this disgusting creature to deal with this by himself”.

The hyenas gave a last grimaced look at the now forward-rolling honey badger and trudged off in search of a different animal to bully.

“Charles, well done for being so disgusting, it’s finally paid off. Now we need to get you home”.

Charles and Camilla continued their run but it was clear that Charles was losing his momentum and his pain was growing. Camilla now counted ten boils that had developed on his skin, the biggest taking up most of his nose.

“Owwwww”, complained Charles. “It’s like a swarm of bees and a meteorite are striking my beautiful face all at the same time."

They rounded the last corner in the road and could see the tree under which their burrow was dug a few hundred meters ahead. At that moment Charles lost his footing and took a tumble to the ground. More boils now covered his skin so that he was one big red mess. He lay motionless.

“Charles! Are you okay?” There was no response.

“Charles! Come on, get up we’re almost home.”

Camilla nuzzled and nudged her partner to get him to move but all she heard was a soft breathing coming from his closed snout. If they were out in the sun much longer, she was sure he wouldn’t make it. She didn’t have long. She would have to drag him home. She used all her energy to grab a clump of his neckroll in her teeth and dragged him backwards towards the tree. The sun was getting very hot and she was beginning to overheat. Only a hundred meters to go and they would be in the safety of their burrow. Only a hundred meters to go and they would be okay. But it was getting harder and harder to drag him through the grass. She wasn’t sure if she could make it...